Monday, December 10, 2012

Poocoustics

Oh, my loves.  It is a Monday, indeed.

I spent Sunday evening in the hospital.  ::jazz hands::  Let's back up.

As you may recall, seeing as how I am a shit godmother and life is too short I went to my goddaughter's birthday party wearing my bravest big girl panties yesterday.  I drove the 90 minutes to the OC, armed with a positive attitude and my best quip to the question "Do you have kids?"  (this particular Sunday I was feeling the "no, just free time and money" response.)

Giant, open house style birthday party with 3 million kids, parents doing the "I've got my shit together" lisp (is that a CA thing or an international thing?) and a reptile show.  I got her a badass cabbage patch kid and was ready to piss sunshine all over their front lawn and kick those giant lizards in their gizzards.

I did swimmingly.  I was my usual mutey self around family with the exception of my grandparents.

A little background - my family is giant, awesome, and a little nutty.  If you have met a Mexican person in Orange County, CA, congratulations you have met one of Stork's relatives. I, however, am a bit of a wildcard in the clan - I'm the only one who has never lived there whereas 99% of them have lived within a few miles of each other their whole lives.  So, just because of distance, with a few awesome exceptions - some old some recent - most of them don't really know me too well.  Example - because of the magical Book of Face, the last couple of years people have come up to me at our Christmas party with genuine surprise saying "I didn't know you were funny!"  This is my one defining characteristic apart from an increasing resemblance to Rodney Dangerfield... but thank you for enjoying my quirky web presence.

ANYHOO.  Not one tear shed, not one horrible moment of explanation required, and even when I found myself holding one of the bajillion babies present, my only thought was 'hello small human, you are delightful'.

So the shit show was not in the children or in the giant reptiles, but in the back pain I had all day that slowly went from 'this is odd' to 'if letting that burmese python swallow me would make me feel any better, excuse me while I slather myself in BBQ sauce'.

So I spent Sunday evening in an ER getting pumped full of drugs and trying not to screech (if for no other reason than it getting in the way of the acoustics of listening to other patients - which is some awesome morbid entertainment).  Twas a kidney stone, I got sent home with some medication and apart from ruining my saintly mother's trip to San Diego for the evening, I feel much better.

I am home-home.  I arrived an hour after Bub left for work this morning.  In celebration of my return and in protest of my absence, in the hour that they were alone Luna peed in her crate and Phoebe barfed all over the couch.  I'm all for these dogs displaying emotion towards me seeing as how they both normally feel the sun rises and sets in Bub's ass, but I don't need their love to be quite so... moist.

So a wee bit of pain, but the medication should help me slowly regain my Christmas spirit.

(I am so doing this next year).

I'm a little sad that we will be away from my Mom for Christmas and with my in-laws (we alternate), however I am delighted because I adore my in-laws (Bubella in particular), their Christmas is delightfully child-free and far, far away.  There is one reason apart from my Mom that I dread the in-law Christmas, and that reason is the Bathroom of Poocoustics.

I am poop shy.  Only in the most dire of circumstances do I poop outside of my own house, and even though I've been with him nearly 10 years, I can't stand Bub even being aware that I poo much less being within a few feet of me doing so.

I'm a business pooper.  Whereas for men it seems to be more of a religious experience, I'm in, I'm out, I'm aware of my surroundings - I get the damn job done.

At my in-laws house, there are two bathrooms available to me.  One is right next to the living room where people tend to congregate, and the other I have come to believe was specifically designed for everyone to hear you doing your business.

The Bathroom of Poocoustics is without a fan.  The B of P sits directly at the top of wooden, echoey stairs.  Those stairs are directly next to the living room where people congregate, and if you were to stand in that bathroom and whisper to yourself, it would echo down those lovely stairs into the whole house so that it sounded like a shout.  In addition, there is a vent in the B of P that travels directly to the basement - and though I do not have direct proof, I'm fairly certain it's an even louder portal of sound.  (I have heard people whispering in the basement from the B of P, and it sounds like they're doing it in my ear).

My initial method of dealing with the Poopacolypse was to try to stay as constipated as humanly possible whilst we were there.  This worked brilliantly - although a little uncomfortably - the first year.  Year two, I made it a few days, had to go, clogged the toilet and then Bub had to unclog it for me.  I spent two hours facedown in our bed instructing him to never, ever, look at me again.

My current method of choice is to let my poo dictate when I will take a shower.  Turn shower on, do my business, take shower.  I'm a little worried, however, that since this method occasionally leads to two showers a day that my in-laws may think I have OCD.

On the other hand, this isn't too different from spending Christmas with my extended family... Different kind of shit, same concept.  Everyone will hear your personal shit because of proximity and echo-capacity.  So the question of the holidays for me is really who do you want to be listening to what kind of shit?



Sidenote:  And I'm sure my discussion of poop today isn't going to help matters, but the spam comments o porn have reached a fevered pitch.  (I can't even repeat the description of a website someone tried to advertise on here... not because of imaginary lady-like ways but because it will surely attract the perviest of beasts). So I think I'm going to take the 'anonymous' option out.  This means if you have something snarly to say you'll have to fight me like a man, and I can fairly retaliate by hunting you down and pooing on you in front of your extended family.



51 comments:

  1. 1. Um, why did you not tell me you were at the hospital?!?! I do not like that.

    2. I hope they gave you the good drugs :)

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    1. 1. Oh Jenn, I wish you lived closer. One thing I have realized makes us infertiles different is that even when we're going through HORRID times we always always say "and how are you?" whereas this seems to be a foreign concept to most. I was in and out like a champ, never fear.

      2. Oh they did, they diiiiiid. Come over with a bottle of wine let's get the party started.

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  2. Stupid kidneys. If it weren't for all of the toxin filtering they do, I'd say we just ditch them. Hope you feel better soon.

    Your in-laws' bathroom would be an absolute nightmare for me. I'd likely wait until the dead of night, when everyone is asleep, to do my business. Or scour the area for a reasonably private bathroom in a convenience store or something.

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    1. See, I have THOUGHT about the midnight-poop, but I'm afraid it'll be sooooo quiet that if someone happens to be awake and laying in bed, they will hear everything. Everything! This is a lose-lose situation.

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  3. You need to use the B of P to your comedic advantage! Along the lines of Austin Powers, where he's fighting the guy in the can and shouting "Who does Number 2 work for??" Although I'm sure you can do better than that.

    That said, I am a total chicken when pooping at work. I hide in the stall and wait for everyone else to leave, and if they come in mid-crunch I just try to wait and hold it so you don't hear the telltale plop. Of course that person inevitably has to fix their nylons, do their makeup, and examine their grey hairs in the mirror. In and out, people!! In and out! Some of us are trying to poop here!!

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    1. Ohhh since I have lightened up on the caffeine a smidge I have had to poo in public for the first time EVER. One thing guaranteed is that my bowel movements bring women together in a bathroom. That's for damn sure.

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  4. I'm glad you went to the birthday party....I know that is so hard and you deserve a medal!!! Your family sounds like mine, but mine are all east coast Irish Catholics, and you know how that goes...babies and beer everywhere!

    Sorry about the kidney stones, that shit hurts soooo much. I passed a few a couple years ago...wow!!! Awwww your furry ones really missed you.....my cat would act that way if I was gone too long:((

    On the poo topic...I think the shower idea is your best bet!! I hate being at anyone's house for this specific reason. I mean everyone poo's but why oh why does it always happen when you least want it to. True story my very good friend sharded once while at her in-laws, and actually threw her underwear out...putting them at the bottom of the trash can. Somehow her mother-in-law found them and washed them, and her undies were neatly folded on the bed with some of their other laundry. She was to say the least mortified. So it could be worse you could shard yourself and have your mother-in-law clean your poo underwear!!!! Sorry I had to share that story...it always made me laugh so hard when my friend told it. I'm sure you will have a wonderful time, please don't constipate yourself remember we all poo!!!

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    1. Hahahaha OMG - I would die. DIE. I would run screeeaaaaaming out of the house if that happened ne'er to be heard from again.

      What in G-ds name was her mother-in-law doing fishing through the bathroom trash?!?

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  5. SUCH a bummer about the kidney stones, but as usual, you have a way of spinning everything so that I'm snorting on whatever beverage I'm drinking at the time. I hope you're feeling better!

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  6. I spent Saturday babysitting my adopted nephew and he is so awesome it is hard to feel sad. Well done for your party fabulosness, you are a warrior my sister.

    I will poo anywhere, I think they removed my embarrassment chip at drama school. Plus my troublesome gut does not allow for picky pooing. My husband is much mire particular and as you say it is more of an 'event' fir him. me, I am in and out, job done.

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    1. Oh Luna... teach me of your poo ways. I have had to become a little less particular about it (I have pooped in a target TWICE in the last year - twice!).. But oh gawd.. the thought of my in-laws knowing what my poop sounds like...

      Not that it's an acoustic event people, perhaps I should've made that clear - normal poop we're dealing with! But still is there anything worse than silence being interrupted by a plop?

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    2. Ahh, you need to perfect a plop cough. Just loud enough to cover the plop but not so loud it sounds like you are voming. And timing in this is everything, the last thing you want is to cough and then there to be a plop, that would be weird.

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  7. Hope you are feeling better soon. Remember we all poo.

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    1. Hahaha I will try to keep that in mind.. I just feel like I'm doing it on a stage.. under a spotlight.. in front of the in-laws... who have walked in unassuming thinking they were going to see a charming movie...

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  8. Esh! Kidney STONES! You poor thing. I am so sorry. I'm also sorry that you are poo shy. That can't be fun. I'm with Luna. I can take a crapper anywhere. I did a lot of camping in college and had to learn how to poo out in the good ole woods. I guess that helped me get over any poo shyness.

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    1. Oh my gawd.. in the woods... At least there with some careful planning the only ones to hear you would be squirrels?

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  9. I prefer to do my business at home, but if I gotta go when I am not home there is no way I am holding it. Especially for days. Eek. My husband is more like you. He will not go in public (not even at work) and will somehow hold it until he gets home then run to the bathroom.

    Oh, I finally caved and started a blog. It's still a wee little blog but I'll get the hang of it. Be my bloggy friend :)

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    1. Yaaaaay! Done & Done. I am your bloggy friend.

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  10. Oh my God, I cannot even imagine this with my Metformin bathroom attacks. I. Would. Die.

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    1. I shudder to think of the day - knockonwoodknockonwood - where I'm there and I have an urgent situation to attend to..

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  11. I too am a shy popper..though Babe has heard me on more than one occasion LOL. Going at the in-laws house...Yeah, kinda freaky...don't really have to worry about that any more :/

    Have a wonderful poop free holiday if possible :)

    As far as the spam comments, yeah, never got a single one and I had the no anonymous comments thing, so maybe it's a good sign. Or my writing wasn't as searchable and no relation to porn LOL

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    1. Awww, c'mon... With your mother in law I think it would be a good idea to go to her house just to clog her toilet and then flee into the night.

      Evidently - even though I haven't written anything truuuuly dirty - I am just full to the brim of searchable porn terms. It gives me a sick, sick amount of pleasure to think that they're looking for some hot lady action and instead get INFERTILITY.

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  12. This post segues nicely from your last one (Shit Ideas), but oh, what a predicament. I'm usually of the quickie in/out persuasion, but had a terrible case of self-induced constipation on Gilles and my first holiday together (the afore-referenced "second date"). Our beautiful Mexican hotel proudly sported a cut-out "window" (or ...? what?) on the bathroom door, said bathroom leading directly into the bedroom. How could a girl do anything on the toilet under conditions like that?

    Glad you're recovering nicely from your stone. Ouch.

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    1. Hahaha yeah I didn't even realize I had done that until I hit publish on this one and then noticed that all my December entries thus far are poop related. Happy holidays, everybody!

      A WINDOW?!?!?!? NO. I would die.

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  13. WOW so I dont know what to say about that the Poo-ing thing... My kid sister is the SAME way. I have never been able to understand the sentiment. I guess it is because when I am using the restroom I am never paying any mind to what anyone else is doing. I am just in and out.

    I have to agree with you though. About men taking FOREVER when they poop. Its almost like the go in there to WAIT to poop. I live my life and wait to poop ,...then when I have to go, I get in there and do it. LOL

    Sorry though that you are in a bad sitch :C

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    1. Haha yeah... for Bub it seems to be a religious experience of some kind. He disappears for 20 minutes - what could one be doing for 20 minutes if it's not just escaping your shrew harpie of a wife?!? Perhaps I should start knocking and asking questions. I feel like he would love that.

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    2. 20 mins is great! my gf hus spends a min of 45!

      Maybe thinking that since people are wrapped up in their own lives they are not paying attention to weather or not you are pooping?

      At least for my kid sister, she was always so interested and snoopy about others in the bathroom, I think that is why she assumed they were just as interested in her activities.

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  14. I'm with you on the being mortified about poop. Get this, I grew up in a Victorian house where the ONLY toilet adjoined the kitchen. With three brothers and a dad. Gross doesn't even start to cut it! Once I clogged a toilet in a friend's house when my Ex and me were babysitting their kid. Ex had to unblock it. Am pretty sure that marked the end of our marriage, for me at least! Ha ha!!
    Sorry for the kidney stone, you poor gal! Huge Hugs.

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    1. OMG... I died when Bub had to unclog it. DIED.

      Adjoined to the kitchen?!? Is that legal?!?

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  15. I'm a former shy pooper (many bound-up family trips as a child), and am now a professional, can-go-literally-anywhere pooper. After 10+ years with IBS that'll happen.
    If I were you I'd use the upstairs bathroom, I'd run the water on high, I'd use a courtesy flush during if needed, and then another flush once it's done. Who cares if people hear the toilet flush twice? Better than hearing a pooping sound (there's nothing worse). You can do it Stork! I believe in you.

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    1. Hahaha I'm so happy I have so many people who believe in my pooping abilities. It gives me poo confidence. ;)

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  16. So I've read about your blog from everyone else I follow and I'm finally here to follow you. What has taken me so long?! I love your wit and humor!

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    1. Yay new follower!!!! Helllooooooo. I will love on you to a creepy degree even if you are slow. ;)

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  17. Omg so funny... I think the final nail in the coffin of my previous relationship was when my boyfriend at the time had to unclog the toilet and deal with my shit in the grossest sense. I just couldn't have sex with him again, for some reason. So I've vowed to NEVER let my current hubby anywhere near the bathroom when I'm in it. When we travel to bathrooms that don't have fans, we actually bring out the White Noise app on our phones and play "loud rainstorm" whenever we need to poop. Highly recommend that.

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    1. There's a white noise app? I'm looking into it. I would much prefer my in-laws thinking there's an inexplicable storm going on in their bathroom than having to deal with me poop.

      I have just BARELY gotten over making Bub leave the vicinity when I am using the facilities. He used to have to go to the other side of the house.

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  18. Starbucks is your answer. Starbucks bathrooms are always clean, and they are always singles. If someone is waiting in line, well, you will never see them again. As opposed to your family who you will see over and over and over again. Take it from a diarrhea-dazed friend. Starbucks is where it is at. Trader Joe's bathroom aren't bad in a pinch, either.

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    1. THERE IS A STARBUCKS NEAR THEIR HOUSE. And I doooo manage to get to one pretty much every day when I'm there....

      I have yet to adventure into the land of Trader Joe's bathrooms. This is on my bathroom bucket list.

      Is there a site that rates the cleanliness of bathrooms in your areas? Or an app? Because there should be.

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  19. I'm glad you were sprung from the hospital. You seem to have luck like me... None! Wishing you prlerfectly timed poops over the holiday!

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    1. Haha thank you! That would be a lovely Christmas mirrrracle!

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  20. Damn damn damn for not getting your posts through email! Omg we talked alllll day and I didn't know you had a fucking kidney stone! I'm so sorry and glad you're feeling better.

    As for the poop. OH NO! I always worry about people hearing and smelling my poopy times. And my bowels do not cooperate with my anxiety so I am often in there longer than Hubster! I say keep going with the shower method. And I am a shitty wife compared to you. My husband gets to hear and smell my poop lots and almost always unclogs the toilet for me. One time I was too embarrassed and he had to coach me from the other room. ;)

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    1. I put up an email box on here! I believe it says something along the lines of "let me in your box" as I am 4 years old.

      I am jealous of your poop honesty, I am. I can know have Bub maybe 20 feet away from the door... this is improvement, believe it or not..

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  21. Oh no this would stress me out too. I don't know what it is about pooping but I hate to let others know I do it. I will burp and spit and farmer's blow in front of others all day but PLEASE don't let them know I am pooping.

    Sounds like the white noise app and starbucks is where it is at my friend.

    I am so sorry about your kidney stone. That sounds like hell.

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    1. WHAT is a farmer's blow?!?! Because it might be my new favorite phrase.

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    2. And PS - do you have a blog? I clicked on your name and it takes me to a mystery woman page...

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    3. hahaha, it is blowing your nose into thin air, just right out there.

      It's me Sunshine at befriending my ovaries. I used to use the name url option to leave comments but that went away with anonymous. I like not typing in the letters and numbers though!

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  22. LMAO!! I needed a good laugh :-) I'm the same way about pooping - omg! I can't have my hubby hear or smell anything either. Too embarrassing.
    And OUCH, so sorry to hear about your kidney stone!! Hope you're doing much better now.

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    1. I am lovely! So happy to hear of your news. ;)

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  23. So sorry to hear about your kidney stones- they sound painful.

    For your pooping problem, why not turn the water on while you are pooping? Then people may just think that you are washing your hands for a really long time.

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