Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Kapowski Cheese

Wonderful Wednesday, warrior-wombed.

Well, fuck me.  I have been trying to find new clothes now for the past week and a half. The only place I have found clothes in the last few months are at this little boutique where the clothes are overpriced but the woman who owns it confuses me with her lovely Persian accent and her compliments.  Damn her.

So I've been attempting to re-commit myself to finding clothes at chain stores.  Namely the embodiment of all things evil, the mall.

In case you were wondering, there are currently 2 1/2 choices for looks in chain store fashion right now:
  1. 12 year old baby prostitute.
  2. Mother of 12 who has just given up on life.
What is the 1/2, you say?  Ahh, apparently they are bringing Kelly Kapowski back as a possible look.  You know, tight fitting floral shirts, brightly colored pants (today I saw turquoise jeans with giant white polka dots), overall shorts (again, floral), way too many varieties of paw-printed.

(Source).

Nobody is going to want to sex me up in clothes like that.  And while we're at it if they're going to bring the worst things from 1993 back surely the world is ready for a Color Me Badd reunion.

Help me gawd, help me gays... Goodbye Forever 21, let me know when you start a sister store called Forever 27 or Forever Fat.

I brought Mr. T with me last Friday and he put in a solid effort of trying to wrestle me into trying on clothes.  (I haaaaate shopping after about an hour.  I know, I know, it's no wonder I can't get pregnant as I am clearly missing some crucial woman genes). We eventually gave up and re-dedicated ourselves to finding me an outfit that would make me look like the bumble bee girl from the Blind Melon video.  Tragedy of all tragedies, this was not at all difficult to accomplish.

I did, however, have some random sneaky person stick this on my purse while I was shopping and I thought it was lovely.  Cheesy?  Yes.  But much like Kelly Kapowski, the cheesiness did not prevent me from smiling:


I stuck it on a bathroom door in the mall to hopefully bring someone a little cheer when their only mall related success has been successfully fending off people jumping out of kiosks and trying to sell you super duper, life-changing, and it's only $100 hair products.

So in my pre-holiday craziness I am hopping on here to catch up on blogs, and just to let you know that I will evidently be spending the holidays visiting my in-laws naked or in leggings.

Because I'm pregnant?  A Pervert?  Both?  No.  Because I do not wish to wear clothes that make me look and feel like an Easter themed cheese stuffed sausage.

And while we're on the subject of religion and cheese, I will leave you with a very serious, very religious mouse.


29 comments:

  1. This post is made of all kinds of win. Except for the part where you're having trouble shopping... oh how I can relate! On top of being "pleasantly plump", I have the joy of being 4'9". I loathe shopping!

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    1. 4'9"! Holy shit I thought I had problems at 5 ft 2! Religious mouse and I will keep you in our prayers.

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  2. Hahahahahaha! Stork, you never fail to make me smile. First: fashion right now is dreadful and colored/printed jeans were not good in the 90's. I don't know why they are coming back again.

    Second: I had stellar luck and amazing service at Dillard's recently. And she respected my budget.

    Third: I have a Cheesus story I'll share with you. My friend, K, has a daughter named Z. Z is hilarious. K and Z are not church goers. We were over at our mutual friend C's house. C is catholic. A crucifix was on her wall and little Z walked over and asked, "What is that?" and C said, "Why that is Jesus!" Z looked confused and then her eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "Cheesus? Can you eat it???" So ridiculously adorable.

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    1. It is dreadful! I was sooooo happy the last couple of years because I tend to like the hippie-dippie loose flowing clothes and that was suddenly available everywhere but I can't.. I just can't do Kelly Kapowski. I can't and I won't!

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  3. What a lovely note! I have nothing to do. Perhaps I should go to the mall and stick similar affirmations on purses everywhere.

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    1. It does make me want to buy a bunch of post-its and attack the unsuspecting with compliments for sure for sure.

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  4. I love your mouse!! Reminds me I need to have some queso before leaving for the Northeast on Sunday! :)

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    1. If religious mouse can just set ONE persons' cheese priorities in order, I will consider that a Christmas Miracle.

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  5. I feel your pain, sister. Infertility has sucked my will to work out and eat well. All I want is McDonald's and Lindt 70% chocolate with sea salt. If you haven't tried it, please do...it will change your life. I keep telling myself that there's no point losing weight since I am just trying to get fat (read: pregnant) on purpose anyway. Rational logic? Not so much. Delicious? Certainly.

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    1. Oh I am compleeeetely following this delicious logic, apparently.

      SALTED CHOCOLATE? Holy gawd you evil temptress. I am obsessed - OBSESSED - with the salted caramel mocha fraps right now. It sounded so gross and then one day I got over my fears and was rewarded with 5,000 extra lbs.

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  6. Did you make sure they didn't take anything out of your purse whilst sticking that very lovely (and I happen to agree with it) note on your purse. Eh, I guess I'm feeling cynical today.

    A few months ago I saw what you only be described as floral, one-step-below-hammer-pants at Target. I stared at them bewildered for so long that I almost bought them so I could prove to other people that they exist.

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    1. Hahaha! I am usually a cynical beast as you well know. My wallet & phone were in order and if they stole anything else, jokes on them my purse is quite literally a 40 lb bag of garbage. ;)

      Hammer pants! Holy shit me. You know what else I don't get? Belly sweaters. They look like perfectly cute, cozy sweaters that don't even cover your belly button. What kind of weather calls for this?!?

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  7. Awww... what a cute note! Faith in humanity restored by 2 percent. I think that mouse is possibly even cuter, though.

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    1. It did indeed make my small, grinchy heart grow in size. Both note and mouse.

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  8. I order almost everything on line now....I hate being surrounded by all those mirrors, not flattering at all!!

    That is just about the sweetest note ever...pure sweetness!

    That mouse is cute...and I love cheesus!!!

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    1. Where do you order online?! I have never been an online clothes getter and I have the vague feeling that typing in "shop online" is not going to help me out. :/

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    2. Try the site ASOS....it's from the UK but they have an American site, so order from them. They are kinda like Top Shop, but for our age....hahaha!!!

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  9. God I loved those Kelly Kapowski clothes... When I was 12 and weighed 80 lbs. I had a lovely pair of acid washed jorts with lace at the bottom. The boys told me I looked like upholstery. I still thought I was awesome.

    God bless you, child, for braving the mall. And that note is too awesome. Yay for paying it forward.

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  10. I have 45 minutes in me at the mall. Tops. Then I turn into a raging lunatic who wants to cry and tantrum on the floor like a toddler.

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  11. I couldn't do the kelly clothes in 1993, and I really don't want to look like a sumo wrestler in a hawaiian printed mumu, because let's face it at this point that's about all I can fit my fat ass into....But I did to the bangs...and I rocked them...I have since grown them out and will never have bangs again.

    I hope you can find some clothes so you don't have to go to your in-laws naked....no clothes and no poop is a lot for the holidays...

    Thanks for a great laugh...you never ever disappoint me!

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  12. LOL! I know what you mean, clothes today suck! I can hardly ever find anything I like. I cannot do 80's. I love that little note you posted :-D

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  13. I am soooo not a fan of the styles out right now. Florals, puffy blouses, and neons... I just feel like I am back in elementary school. I do like that black stretchy pants always seem to be in style though (or maybe that is just because I refuse to EVER stop wearing them!). I hate shopping around this time of year anyways. I am not going back to the mall until after the mad Christmas/returns frenzy is over. Fighting over a parking space is not how I want to spend my holidays! Have you tried the good old internet for clothes shopping? So much less stressful (although shipping back exchanges/returns can be a huge pain in the arse)!!

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  14. I too hate shopping. It makes me mad, sad then utterly miserable and sweaty! Ugh! Dax on the other hand, as utterly alpha male as he is, loves it!! He would happily dart in and out of shops and I would happily sit outside and guard the bags!
    That post it is awesome! And true!

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  15. There is another category of clothing in the UK at the moment. Granny chic, think tweed, twin sets, pearls etc. Maybe a 15 year old could get away with that look in an ironic way, but it only going to make me look like a slightly butch librarian. It is either that or eighties stripper/hooker. Crazy.

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  16. I am so glad I am not alone! I cannot find clothes I want to actually put on my body. I used to love shopping but the older I get the more I hate it. Ugh.

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  17. The post it note is cute until you are chained in their basement and they decide they want to wear your skin.

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  18. While waiting for my turn at the infertility clinic on Tuesday I was looking through a fashion mag and spotted those floral and printed denim (circa late 80s I graduated in 87 and remember them quite well). Ugh! What next? Is the big hair coming back too?

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  19. I live smack dab in the middle of the Santa Monica shopping mecca. Those ladies with their thigh-high boots, faux-fur coats, and designer babies are enough to keep me hold up in my house. I'm that cranky old lady that sneers at them through her window and makes guttural noises in disgust. The only person I don't chase away with the back side of a broom is the UPS man. And that is because he always comes baring gifts.

    I pray to cheesus too! (stinking cutest thing I've seen in a long while!)

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  20. I vote Color Me Badd reunion!

    I like your style so I'm following you. I just spent the last thirty minutes reading a few of your blog posts with a big smile on my face. Must've gotten the same note in the bathroom stall.

    BOYZ 2 MEN, ABC, BBD...I'm out.

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