Thursday, January 3, 2013


Hola, Chiquita Bananas!

It. Is. 2013.

I think we can all agree (with a few exceptions, a happy wink in your direction) that 2012 overall sucked huge donkey balls.  Peace out, 2012.  You fucking sucked.

While yes, blah blah blah, there were moments of laughter and gratitude, for the most part my year in review looked like ass.  It's hard for a giggle here and there not to be totally overshadowed by a giant failure of an IVF followed by 6 months of energy pretty much exclusively being dedicated to not totally losing my shit.

So yes there were some good moments in 2012, but I just wanted to be clear that it overall sucked.  I am mentioning the fleeting happy moments with a stink face.  I am sick to death of attempting to grow as a person.  If anything I would like to shrink to 6 inches and pelt happy people in the face with pea shooters they can never pinpoint the source of.  But yes, I am thankful for an amazeballs husband, a Mother who is a saint, two ass-kicking albeit crazy best friends, a delightfully weird sister-in-law, you people, my truly ridiculous animals and for not totally losing my shit - in part because I'm a badass, but mostly because of all the aforementioned things to be grateful for.  Now leave me alone.

I was gone from the blogosphere because I was traveling to the best city in the world to spend holidays with the in-laws.

Some highlights of Stork Happenings since we last spoke:

  • We have Stork Christmas on the 22nd.  DVDs, clothes.. I told Bubba to get me something that I don't need and that does not benefit him.  He bought us 10 movie dates.  Love that man.
  • We load 2 cars full of stuff and 3 animals and head on down to the OC.  We have fake Christmas with my Mom which involves picture taking and traditional Christmas tamales.  (So normal people eat... turkey?  Right on the tail of Thanksgiving?)
  • We travel to D.C. on the 23rd.  No one has a heavy bleeding episode, shits themselves, or angrily hurls a burrito across an airport terminal.  This is us growing as humans.
  • When we arrive, we realize that the bathroom of poocoustics is in the process of being renovated.  For a moment briefly worry I'm going to have to shit in the front yard.  Saintly stepfather-in-law finishes it, and there is even a light fan.
  • Christmas was half awesome, I made out like a bandit.  Bubella gave me some artwork & dvds, in-laws gave me stuff for house and slippers that make my feet look like monkeys.
  • Christmas afternoon, we drop Bub off at airport.  He spends night at a hotel in Connecticut eating microwaved chimichangas and dutifully does his fancy spooj test first thing on the 26th (we find out in 3 weeks how that went).  His flight is cancelled on the way back because of a storm, so he drives home 7 hours in inclement weather.  I restrained myself and had a panic attack for only 6 1/2 of the 7 hours.
  • I spend week tackling my sister-in-law, who just had her tonsils out, as much as humanly possible.  Seriously contemplate packing her in my suitcase.  We make art and decide to put our spit in it.
  • As a late Christmas gift, sister-in-law gives me the plague.  By Friday I have a 103 degree fever and keep waking up thinking I'm in California.  I was apparently very concerned that Bub take Luna out so she didn't shit somewhere in the house. As per usual, Bubella with her evil uterine waves also gave me my period.
  • We leave butt crack of dawn on New Years Day, so sad.  Plane empty, managed to sleep.  Traveling while sick:  not fun for ears.  Eat new years dinner with Grandparents who are weirdly arguing.
  • Yesterday get all packed up to go home-home, everyone is ready, can't find cat.  We spend 2 hours searching for cat.  We tear apart house. I walk the neighborhood with a fever (we thought maybe she got out). We are preparing ourselves to be catless.  Obese cat wedged into secret compartment in arm chair.
  • We are all home-home.  And today I am doing.... nothing.  Nothing, I say!

So that's it.  We're caught up.  I have a shit ton of reading to do today.  Allow me to tap dance my way back into your hearts.


  1. Dude. I flew a couple of months ago with a hellacious head cold and I thought my head was going to pop as a last attempt to ease the pressure and pain. I hope you are feeling better. Enjoy your nothing day!

  2. So did the light fan save you from holding your poop the whole time? Inquiring minds want to know.

    I hope you are starting to feel better!

  3. Glad you had a good time! Boo for the flu.

  4. I was missing your blog entries so much I was getting the night sweats. You are the dirty needle and this blog is my heroine addiction. Ahhhh! I missed you!!!

  5. Sounds like you and Bubella had a blast together!! So sorry you got sick, though...hope you are feeling better!!

  6. I remember flying home last Xmas. I was INSANELY sick and all I had to do was take a pregnancy test to enable my mom to pump me full of drugs to make the trip easier. I refused. I was 14 dpo and literally tortured myself on a 9 hour flight because I had pee-stick-PTSD. Go figure. Maybe I should add that to my 'list of shit I learned in 2012'.

    I'm glad you had a nice Xmas. I'm glad you made it home in one piece. I'm also glad you told that story of your cat, because it made me snarff. Snarffing is good (and on my list of things to-do more of in 2013).

  7. Hate flying. My ears never pop. Damn Meniere's Disease.

  8. Ugh... traveling sick just sucks big time. Feel better soon! I missed out on blogging/blog reading through December for a multitude of reasons, but I have to say that I missed your crazy-ass voice. Welcome back and happy new year!

  9. hahahaha.....I really have no response except to say thanks for so hilariously summing up the holidays :)

  10. I'm so sorry you were sick. Hoping you feel better. Not the best way to start out the new year, but I think it was karma's way of shitting on 2012...kissing it goodbye. Other than the missing cat(one of the reasons I don't like cats is their ability to become houdini) and the plague, it sounds like your trip was nice.

    Missed you while you were away, but looking forward to a great new year!

  11. 1. When I had an ear infection and flew home from Hong Kong, I went to sleep, then woke up and my entire pillow was bloody!
    2. Grandparents aren't allowed to argue.
    3. Very pleased to get this status report on Poocoustics Bathroom; I hope there was only ever the sound of a "light fan" cascading into people's ears over the holidays.
    4. Welcome back!! We've all bitch-slapped 2012 for you already, so don't worry about that. Just focus on the magic that is 2013, beginning with spooje test results. :)

  12. Yep, 2012 sucked a giant elephant's ass. Nothing against elephants, I quite love them actually, but they have ginormous asses. Anyway, glad to have you back...I was going through withdrawal!

  13. Welcome back Stork! We missed you! Glad you got to have some fun with your sister-in-law but boo to being sick! Hope it's over fast!

  14. Agreed. I don't think 2012 could get worse, well it can always get worse but it was still awful. So happy for 2013 - good things need to start happening now! =)

  15. Christmas tamales? I want this to be my new christmas tradition. Yum.

    My husband was sick when we flew home on saturday and his ears have not yet popped completely. He is not a happy camper and he keeps making all sorts of weird faces in an attempt to pop them. It's sort of hilarious.

  16. You have been so's boring with out you!! So sorry for your sucks being sick and traveling. Looking forward to hearing the results from the test. Welcome back!

  17. O. M. g. A light fan. Was that a Christmas present to you? i love them. I built a house two years ago and demanded we put light fans in both toilets because I was so sick of walking in after my husband and being hit in the face with a poo bat. Also, because I similarly freak out about people hearing/smelling me. The added cover of the sound they make while you're in there... priceless. I was thinking about putting one of those little shower radios in the loo as well, but that seems slightly OCD even for me.

  18. Missed you pickle. That is all. Smoooooch.

  19. "This is us growing as humans." HAHAHAHAHA! This is GREAT!

    Traveling while sick is just the worst. Hope you're feeling better soon!

  20. Thank you for expressing my opinion of 2012--it was full of suck, and I am also tired of growing.

    I hope your recovery from the plague is speedy!

  21. We don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving. We have sandwhiches and pie.
    And assorted dips.

    1. Wait. That's supposed to say on CHristmas. We DO eat turkey on THanksgiving....

  22. The exact same thing happened to one of my cats when we were staying at a friend's house. Two hours of me yelling her name around the block, frantically searching the house, and she was literally under the drunk guy passed out on the couch.

    Good riddance, 2012. Hope you feel better.

  23. Glad to have you back dear Stork!!
    May 2013 be infinitely better for you :)

  24. Welcome back :-) Good to see you. I hope 2013 is your best year EVER!

  25. That sounds like a fun, busy, tiring holiday. I hope you're home resting now! And yes, let's let 2013 kick 2012 in the butt. Wishing you lots of luck in the New Year.

    Also, traditional Christmas tamales? Are these special tamales? Would you like to share the recipe?