Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Broads, Ladies and Ants.

Happy Wednesday my lovable infertiles.

My other writing and general shenanigans have been getting in the way of being on here.  Bless me interwebs, for I have sinned.  It's been about two weeks since my last blog confession.

This past week, an old friend of mine (old friend of Bub's, actually, I know her through him but I adore her like she was my own) popped up on my Fertilebook newsfeed for the first time in awhile and I pounced on her like a jungle cat.  I sent the usually inquiry as to how she was doing (1 paragraph), she sent me one back telling me how she was doing and asking how I was (1 paragraph) and then I unleashed a novel of vaginal tales upon her (4,976 paragraphs) and hastily followed it up with "I'm sorry my life is full of gay men! Your uterus beckons to me!"

She was, of course, gracious and lovely because she is, in fact, gracious and lovely.  It felt good to get shit out, but afterwards I sat and was a wee bit surprised at myself because this felt like an unplanned and out of the blue enema.  I have spent weeks feeling chicken shit about impending IVF this summer.  To be more specific - chicken shit buried under 1,000 lbs of 'things I have to do before IVF'; some realistic, some the realistic equivalent of acquiring myself a unicorn by July.  So, as is my usual response to being buried under too much emotional rubble, I have sort of accepted the weight of it without actually processing any of it.

It's like the trail of mutant ants that have infested my shower.  They've been there for two weeks and every day when I get in the shower I look at them and think "shit I should really do something about that" and then take my fucking shower and go on about my day without, you know, the doing something about it part. (Sidenote: they seem to be removing hair from my shaver and marching off with it.  Should I disappear, please explain to Dateline that my being dragged away forcefully and made Ant Queen is a plausible theory).

So four things have occurred to me:
  1. I've probably been a little absent on here in part because I'm in some sort of weird denial that My Big Chance is coming up this summer;
  2. While I'm absolutely-fruitly blessed in the best friend and husband department, my life is currently lacking in the lady-companion department;
  3. I should probably get an exterminator and
  4. I should take out a page of the ole ant-playbook, because those bitches carry around rubble a gajillion times their size and don't break a sweat.



I feel the need to point out here, and in no way do I mean this in a way to offend or to instigate an argument because you will lose - that my best friend, Mr. T., kicks your best friend's ass.

It is the stuff of Will and Grace - give one of us a charade to act out and the other will get it in under 10 seconds.  It is the stuff of Harry Potter - we communicate much in the cosmic-psychic way of Voldemort and Harry.  Of course in this scenario Voldemort is much more attractive and campily catty rather than evil, and instead of a lightening scar on my forehead I have a birthmark on my thigh that looks like a chocolate chip cookie.

And as far as infertility shenanigans go, there's nothing missing from my ability to talk to him about it on account of me being an innie and him being an outtie. Even in his infinite gayness he has thus far braved two invasive vaginal exams when Bub couldn't be in attendance.  When I had my early miscarriage and was a near-silent disaster for a week, he came over, cleaned my house, and bequeathed me with the perfect miscarriage gifts: a giant stuffed strawberry, "The Passion of the Christ" and "Fame".  If Bub is my heart, then Mr. T is my glittery colon.  There's no Hallmark Holiday for it, sure, but he wades through all my shit bravely and if removed I would cease to function and eventually suffer death by constipation.

But I have exactly one close lady friend in L.A., miss Kali, and that is it.  My other awesome lady friends are spread out in the world. Stork has not found solid, local girlfriends.

I want to make clear that it's not that I hold on to some ridiculous notion that I'm in my 30s and in a big city so therefor I should be living out the plot to Sex and the City.  (Honestly, they should've just called that series "Puns and Posing").

I especially want to make clear that I am not one of those "oh, I don't get along with girls" girls.  You know who I'm talking about.  The ones in college who went on and on about how girls were just 'trouble', how they always felt more at home with the boys. (Which is such bullshit because the butchest tomboy lesbians, when they belong to themselves have lady friends...lovely, lovely lady friends).  I know that when a girl says "I just don't get along with other women!" that there's a 99% chance that she's a rancid cunt (and I'm being liberal, here) and it's a self esteem marker much in the way that making out with a girl for a frat boys viewing pleasure is.  (I'm all for bisexual college experiences, but I'm just talking about the girl that overall does things not for herself but for what others will think of her).

I love women. So it's not a lack of want or need, here.  I want and I need.  I think it's in part due to a lack of local options, but probably even more so my total suckiness at any first date type scenario and my inability to bullshit overall. (Sunny has been my one infertile local date.. we skipped the bullshit and went straight to cervical mucus.)

You tell me if I'm being bananas here, please, but I think even the ladies who live here (why haven't we met? Let's make out and not for the benefit of a frat) will agree that we have a higher percentage of women who are not full of friendship in frivolity because they're just so fucking full of shit.

Every Los Angelian is pretending to be something - it's an entire city founded upon playing pretend.  I'm fancy, I'm rich, I'm somebody, I'm best friends with ::name drop::.  When two women meet there's usually earrings, cocktails and adding 7 u's to the word cute (which you will be expected to use liberally) involved.  And I don't know how to participate in that kind of a conversation, nor do I know how to have a meaningful friendship that starts out that way.

I think it has a lot to do with the broad to lady scale.  Much like I don't believe anyone falls 100% to one side of the sexuality scale, I don't believe a woman falls 100% to the broad or lady side.  Every broad has an inner lady and ever lady has an inner broad.  And I think, for the most part, while we all lean to one side or the other, most women are fairly close to the middle.

But not really here.

Here the L.A. lady is revered (think of a traditional 'lady', but with a spray tan, boobs, and the ability to portray 'rich somebody', true or not).  You are expected to be one, or do your damndest to fake it.  And in a city of absolute extremes, wherein pretty much everything you encounter is going to be Loved or Hated, such is the reaction to a broad like me.  I am either hated, or on rare occasion absolutely loved.  I am not tepid.  If I'm not for you than I am 100% not for you, and if I am we're going to be great friends. I am the girlfriend equivalent of sushi.

(So the pay off is actually quite nice, my frustration is just that it's hard to find.. I know, I know.. what isn't.)

I don't really know how to lie or bullshit.  I curse.  If PJ's or flip fops are in any way an option I will always select that option. When something is awful or beautiful, I say it.  I don't pretend to have my shit together when it's not, and I'm much more interested in what a girl is like when she's comfy at home saying what she actually feels than when she's wearing high heels in a bar, telling me how nice so and so from True Blood is in real life (apropos of nothing) and asking if the fact that I write means I can cast her in something.  (No.... No.   I'm an unfancy 5 ft 2 chubby lady whose outfit cost less than $40, so the only thing I can really cast is a ginormous shadow... so...... No.)

And let's not forget the issue of kids.  Los Angelian women my age seem to fit into one of two categories.  One, their entire life had no meaning prior to their children, their ability to procreate defines them and most of your interactions will revolve around you looking through their IPhone photos and putting the appropriate number of u's in your "cute!"s.  Two, they regard children much in the same way they would a stranger walking into their house and taking a giant dump in the middle of their bed.

And I, the Mystic Infertile, have a hard time fitting into either one of those categories.

My roundabout point to this vent is that I'm very glad you exist. Prior to blogging my only online experience with women seemed to be Fertilebook, where everyone loves to sonogram sniper me. I'm happy that even if it's online, there's a whole lot of honest vaginas out there doing their thing.  Whether it's because of the anonymity or the fact that we've all seen the dog and pony show and are just too exhausted to bullshit, I love that when I need a woman of substance in my life apart from my Mother, there you all are.  Kicking ass and taking names no matter where you are in the baby race.  Being honest.  Being ladies when it's called upon but much to my delight, mostly being broads.  I have so much respect for you my verbose self can't even put it into words.  When I disappear in an attempt to bullshit myself and marvel at the strength of ants, I miss you.  You who most of whom I haven't even met. You are what makes me want to stop bullshitting myself and marvel at our own ant-like abilities.

Whether I'm currently being a grumpy old fart or not, it's just nice to know that there's a little corner of the world I can retreat to with like-minded, bullshit free women, where everything isn't just a sour slap in the vagina.

This is my 100th post, and I don't even know how silly Stork of early 2012 was managing before this blog.  Love to you all.



ALSO.  Sort of on point in regards to that particular brand of college aged women with an inability to get themselves good girlfriends but mostly because it makes me die of happiness.... As a 100th post gift, I give you the video that made me laugh for about 20 minutes straight like a lunatic.

Do not watch it at work or in a church pew or some strange place, Sam I Am..  DO watch it if you haven't seen it and are in a semi private setting.  DO IT.

And holy gawd now I can embed this.  It may very well be a toss up between this and my wedding day in the contest of BEST THING EVER.  I do not know what would come in second, it's too hard.



I'm pretty much inconsolable about the fact that I didn't coin the phrase 'cunt punt'.

You're welcome.  You're just... welcome.



31 comments:

  1. Happy 100th post. And I feel your pain. I have few lady friends as my BFF's live 400 miles away in opposite directions. Locally, I have a few girls/women I can get drinks with, but BFF or someone I can let loose with CM and estrogen levels with I have yet to find. I hope you find someone soon, but until then, I'll be here for you...virtually!

    And if you're freaking about IVF, feel free to email me. I'd be happy to share every TMI detail of my experience with you :) I'm off to watch the video now...finally in a place where I can!

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    1. Mine are all over the place! Damnit.. and they are either highly fertile or totally lack any interest in having them... ne'er the two shall meet.

      This will be IVF #2 for me but holy shit.. Since it's been almost a year since the first one maybe I built it up in my head to be bigger than it was? Because I remember thinking "well this isn't the monster I thought it would be, I can handle this". I'm mostly afraid I think because of the 'experimental' treatment we're having, if it doesn't work that that's it. Game over. Plus I was psychotically healthy last time and this time, I'm just not as good. (I'm older, damnit!)

      I love you m'dear... Good to have online lady friends. ;)

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  2. I have been having the same problem. I think it's really hard to make friends in LA. Then again, I am pretty shy and not great at small talk so maybe I would have the same problem anywhere. To make it worse, I work in the film industry so there is an extra layer of bullshit to wade through. Sigh. I don't know how people do it. Maybe I'll try adding a few more u's to cute and see if that works?

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    1. Also remember to scrunch up your mouth when you talk and be lispy. It's this whole weird accent thing that women out here do? It's not actually an accent it just reminds me of my 'grown up voice' I used to use when I pretended to be an adult when I was little...

      And why haven't we met? You are shy, yes, but I shall poke you until you tell me about your cervical mucus.

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  3. LMAO. That video is hilarious. This is why all of us bloggers need to all live closer so we can hang out with each other. Always thinking of you m'dear. Sending lots and lots of warm bubbly wishes your way.

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    1. We need an infertile city. I have it planned in my head. Those of us who are still in the trenches will be on one street, totally blocked in by infertiles with babies. Infertile village. then maybe sevvvveral miles out, fertile people.

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  4. Your posts are always so funny! You are hilarious! Now, as a woman living in Los Angeles I have to speak up. There are a lot of wanna be actresses, fake boobs and tans around, sure, but I think there are a lot of great women here, you gotta love the diversity in L.A., no one really seems to be from here, there are a lot of industry women but there's also the new age kind, the yoga type, the athletes, the smart ones, we have great schools here like USC and UCLA which of course you are very well aware, and there are women with a brain going there :)... anyway, my point is, there is everything for everyone as I see it and I guess I have been very fortunate to make deep friendships in this town, maybe I've just been really lucky.

    And let me know if you every want to get together! I would love to try that awesome workout class you went with your friend! Sounds like a lot of fun! Maybe JenS, you and I can start a little group :)

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    1. LET'S DO THIS SHIT. Why haven't we met yet? And I can't for the life of me ever remember what women are actually around here and which ones aren't.... Message me & I'll add you on the devil known as Facebook and we can exchange numbers and all that fun.

      And yes indeed, I think I am just somehow meeting them at the wrong places. Or something. I seem to either meet women who are lovely but knocking on 60, or women of the spray tan boob variety.. Plus there's this whole first-date conversation thing that maybe if I was better at I would have less trouble? I have no concept of how to have those kinds of conversations. Even with my husband an hour into our date I was like "are we going to have sex, orr..." I am not good at the gray areas. I'm tragic at them. :/

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    2. Yeah. LA infertiles unite! Why haven't we all met, indeed.

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  5. Congratumalations on your 100th post!! I know a lot of friends who are moving to L.A., so I promise if I ever make it there for a visit, I will ring you up, and if you ignore my calls, I will CUNT PUNT YOU! All right, maybe not... that's taking it to extremes. But consider this a warning. Also, we Canadians are generally not fake or obsessed with name-dropping (unless our names rhyme with Bustin Jieber, in which case definitely ignore our phone calls), so I imagine we'd get along famously.

    YAY SUMMER IVF!

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    1. COME TO L.A. PLEASE. I love me a canadian import. If you don't come I will physically go to Canada and cunt punt you over the border myself.

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  6. I have the same problem with no girlfriends. At least not here. I had a large group of them about 5 years ago but then I moved, and got married and boring, and haven't really met new people. My old girlfriends are still great and I know it would probably be a lot easier to talk to them if I was closer...but now it seems like we only chat once in a while and I don't want to make it be all about infertility. It's tough.

    Also, "cunt punt" is my new favourite everything!

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    1. I am SO. UPSET. That I didn't coin that phrase. SO UPSET. And it's such an obvious rhyme... My only solace is that I don't often find myself using the word "punt".

      Mine are spread apart, but they're all either firmly in the "I have a ton of kids let's talk about them" camp or in the "never ever ever" having kids camp. It seems I am approaching that age where there are I am alone in the "not yet". :/

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  7. I wish we could be friends but it would require you to move to Northern CA. Sorry- I couldn't handle the So Cal stuff. And yeah, I don't have many female friends. I'm pretty sure it's my fault. My hubs says I'm 'too intense' and 'intimidate people' which I think is code for 'often bitchy, ranty, unaccepting of people against obvious stuff like gay marriage, and too critical.' I have such a hard time in my online infertility group because everyone basically just supports each other 100% no matter what utter B.S. or awful thing they say. That's basically required and I'm just not the girl who can say 'yeah, it's totally normal and reasonable that you want to slit your sister in law's throat because she had the audacity to GET PREGNANT while you have been trying for LONGER and she is even YOUNGER than you, the fucking cunt.' It's so hard to be me sometimes. Sniff. I even used to be 'that one' who would point out that meta-analyses of acupuncture research show that it does jack shit for infertility but I got tired of being that wench who pops everyone's desperate dreams just because I believe in data (which most people don't, and I now get it.) Anyway, by now you can see why I have few friends. There it is! Keeping it real, since 1975.. Ok one final question for you, actually, is this- do you think that women who are both like YOU, or perhaps both like ME (I know the 2nd is hard to address) can actually BE friends in general, or is it a case of it being too difficult to have such strong personalities? Like- do they outcompete each other and just annoy each other? I'm curious as to what you think... Like, maybe there ARE friends out there for you and I, but then they meet us and are like, yeah, no thanks...

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    1. Ha! I love these questions...

      I DO have a few supremely close lady friends, but they are, unfortunately, all scattered about the globe.. They are all.. goofy in the same way that I am, for sure. One of my favorites is actually much more of a lady than she is a broad, but she is SO much fun and 100% bullshit free, plus she will weirdly enough be the first person to put on her broad hat when it's fitting.

      As far as politics and stuff go, I can totally be friends with people who have different political views... except the gay thing. There's really only so far I can go with a person who is anti-gay. I really think it's how it must have been in the 60s - it would be hard for someone pro-civil rights to be friends with someone who thought things were fine as they were. Other things I'm happy to disagree about but that one.... It just plants too many seeds in my head about a persons ability for kindness and understanding.

      Can a girl like me be a friend with a girl like me... Yes! One of my closest friends that I had had all my broad qualities but hers were turned up... I mean she was kind, and it wasn't like she was a raving lunatic animal or anything, but she said WHATEVER was on her mind WHENEVER it was on it. And I loved her. It was never mean or confrontational for confrontations sake, it was just... she said the shit that people usually just thought and I loved her for it.

      I occasionally get the 'intimidating' one as well... I genuinely don't understand it. I've been told it's the funny thing.

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  8. the "women of LA" are one of the many reasons I will never live there. YOU are the only reason I wished I lived down there and I'm sorry I don't. Hmmm...well you and Huntington Beach. I can't help it, I love it there. But I do LOVE to visit and I am so so sorry I haven't made a pit stop along the way to SD yet. Soon, my dear, soon!!!! If I didn't have to work I would be there in an instant. If I didn't have so many wedding duties in SD there would have been at least two trips since I've "known" you!!! I do have a friend in Pasadena I could try to set you up with - IF you can find me a gay who can be my glittery colon!! I'm SO very jealous of you lol! But you'll find some ladies soon.

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    1. I AM SURROUNDED IN A SEA OF POTENTIAL GLITTERY COLONS.

      Come to me. WHEN are we going to make this shit happen? WHEN?!? I want to put your face to my bosom.

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  9. Cunt punt! Brilliant!! I usually hate that word (many parentally caused issues stem from that word...) when i love love love cursing like a dirty ass sailor usually. But in my current mood that phrase rocks.
    I miss you! I too have very few girl friends just generally from my issues of not being able to open up to women, ashamed of my freakish body etc etc but you girls on here i love! I am with you on the ambivalent fence :) though I am hoping you are going to kick Infertility's butt this summer and get knocked up good n proper.
    Mucho love x

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    1. Oh I usually hate the word cunt! I don't know why it's just a word.. It just sounds so.. aggressive. But in combination with punt?! YES PLEASE.

      You are my across the pond sister in numbness and I so wish you lived here. Damnit. And didn't you leave here for a hot minute, in DC no less? Or am I confusing you with someone else? Because that would really piss me off if we were there at exactly the right time, possibly on the same metro at some point and now we're separated by SO MUCH DAMN WATER.

      Is there any way someone could cunt punt you over the ocean for a small vacay?

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  10. I am the same way! I have very few female friends in real life. I want more female friends, but women are so catty sometimes. I just can't deal with the drama and competition. I'm sure it's even worse where you live!
    I love my internet buddies! I wish we all could meet up in real life! Why can't there be more ladies like YOU out there?? Well, you are one-of-a-kind. :-) I love that you have such a cool bestie! He sounds really awesome!
    I'm excited and staying hopeful for you for this summer!!!

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    1. STAY HOPEFUL FOR ME ANGEL OF INFERTILITY. Somehow I think your mouth is closer to the Big Padna's ear.

      I reaaally think I'm just meeting the wrong ones and rarely. I need to think of some sort of... event of like minded women to show up to so I can creepily hit on a few of them.

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  11. I actually do have a fair few female friends knocking about, but they all, without exception, started popping babies at least three years ago and so our lives have become somewhat divergent. My best friend's daughter just started school for crying out loud. My two sisters are still baby free but so freaking busy I have to book them literally months in advance in order to see them at anything other than an overcrowded raucous family gathering. I miss being a teenager or a student, when you got to spend all day with fun awesome people and then spent hours on the phone at night dissecting the day. Much as I adore living with my husband I miss the comradery of great femail flatmates.

    I wish international travel was A. easier and B. cheaper because then I would be all up in all of your faces like a crazy person. You ladies rock.

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    1. I will never lose hope that you and I shall one day meet... And that I will get knocked up sometime soon and our offspring shall wed and we will share dark curly haired grandchildren.

      Oh my do I miss my lady friends. When I was in High School Mr. T & I were in the drama nerd group, all of whom were girls except for him, and I miss that kind of companionship SO much sometimes. Now it's just me & T holding down the fort.

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  12. LA is an odd city, full of so many types of people. Only a few close friends I have actually grew up here, and I have to say the ones that were born here are some of my favorite people. They are sooooo laid back, and easy to talk to...no fake boobs or spray tans. The rest are transplants just like me. I'm from NJ, and you know I'm taking anyone's shit. I will call you you out if I see fit. I've been one of the fortunate ones that have made amazing friends that I love dearly. My husband being an extreme extrovert has helped a lot in the friend department as well. But I completely get what you are saying there is a typical LA girl, with the boobs, the Botox, the tan, and no brain. This is part of the reason I had to leave the hair world, half the people I've always worked with were dumb, or just didn't care about current events...sucks... But I also imagine working from home is very hard to make friends outside of what, or who you already know. Truth be told my lifetime best friends still live in NJ, they are my soul sisters. We've been friends for forever, one since we were five and the other since 14. They get me like no other, and vise versa. I know I'm on bed rest and all, but I would love to see your lovely face one day!!! I think we would get along smashingly, and I think you would like the girls I know!

    One the mom front I have no idea what kind of mom I am going to be. I just know from how I was raised. I think my parents did a good job with all 3 of us. But I do know I have a kick ass mom, who I have a wonderful relationship with, and always have. I was raised by very liberals parents, my husbands were liberal but not as extreme as mine. We've had discussions about things and don't always agree on some things, but we will have to take it day by day and see how things come and work out.

    I love hearing your stories of Mr.T. It reminds me of my best friend so much. My best friend/gay died almost 3 years ago. We were inseparable. Luckily I always had a boyfriend that got our relationship. Have you read the book "just kids"? That was our relationship as best I can remember it, or what we had. You are so lucky to have him....hug him, kiss him and hold him tight!!!!!

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    1. OMG... You lost your Mr. T. I'm practically in tears over the very idea and I am a heartless robot. Cannot. Imagine. I would hug you through my computer if I could.

      Isn't that strange? It really does seem like often times for some reason, there's some sort of chemical process that happens to susceptible girls who arrive here from elsewhere. They arrive in normal clothes with their own skintone and their own face, and within a few months something convinces them that everything about them is physically wrong and so they all try to look like Pam Anderson.

      I think I'm just having a TOTAL lack of opportunity in the meeting-women department and on the RARE occasion I do it's shit luck.

      And you know, I met some really cool girls when I was still at Groundlings... And they were SUPER cool, and funny... but minus a couple nobody seems to be really interested in friends, it's more of an interest in networking.. I mean they still want to be your friend, but it mainly seems for the purpose of networking if that makes sense..

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  13. Oh and ps, I just read that email last night.....I was peeing myself. Cunt punt.....hell yeah....I will use that term in the future if someone pisses me off...bahahaha!!

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    1. Oh, I am TOTALLY on the edge of my seat waiting to somehow work that into a conversation.

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