Thursday, April 25, 2013

Join the Movement...

Greetings, cybervixens!

We are coming to you live from under a heating pad at House of Stork.  Seeing as how my body has failed to churn out a period in 3-4 months, I did the 10 day Provera/progesterone boogie and am now suffering the necessary consequences.

This week is NIAW.  Yes, I know the internet is full of acronyms but this one is important: National Infertility Awareness Week, April 21-27.

Resolve is one of the Mother Ships for Infertiles.  It is a non-profit organization for access, information, all the necessities for those of us who are fertility challenged.  And this week, being NIAW, they issued a blog challenge for bloggers to write about how they are affecting people's lives (including their own) in ways big and small when it comes to infertility.  (Click here if you want to participate, ya'll).

It's a week for dipping a tiny infertile toe out of the infertility closet, in hopes that someone will learn something from said toe.  A week to take our angry uteruses out for a spin, because girlfriend has been cooped up for far too long and probably has a lot of shit to say.

Hi, my name is Stork, and I am an infertile.

From looking at me you wouldn't know this.  Hell, from talking to me you might not even put together that I want kids - but I've been actively doing the baby dance for over three years now, and flirting with it from across the room for almost seven.

Whether or not I wake up in the mood for it, infertility is a part of my life Every. Single. Day.  Even at my most distracted, Hope and Sadness will both wriggle their way into my mind if only for a fleeting second.

Sometimes I try to strangle them.  Some days I shout about them (and seriously consider buying a megaphone). I always try to laugh at the situation - because let's face it, anything involving a wand wearing a condom whether it be Infertility or a Harry Potter fetish porn can be funny - but sometimes I still end up crying.  This afternoon, as I said to someone earlier, what I would like to do is smash Hope and Sadness into a tiny little ball, wedge that ball into the pit of my stomach and then throw some pancakes on top of it.  That's how I'm feeling about it today, and I make no promises or guarantees as to how I'll deal with it tomorrow.

I don't think it's fair for me to say that I created a supportive community for myself when it comes to my malfunctioning lady parts, because that implies more planning than there was.  Even though my period was always a rebel that did what she wanted when she wanted, and my thyroid is the bodily equivalent of angry cat where it's response to every request is a fervent "NO" and to poof out hair in strange places, I am still somehow surprised that I'm here.

That's the thing about Infertility - whether you knew it was going to be an issue or not, once you actually start the process of dealing with it it's always... surprising.  What if someone had said to Dorothy before the tornado hit  "hey, dude, by the way...You're not going to have the Home you've been looking for without walking this super long winding road far from where you'd ever imagined you'd be.  You're going to have support but you're also going to be tormented.  And this will all just be in the hopes that eventually some person at that end of the road might have just the right amount of magic to make Home a reality." I'm not sure she'd be any more prepared.  When for the first time that journey appeared before her in color, I think she'd still be lonely and afraid.

Whether I had clues or not that it was coming, I started casually climbing the lush mountain known as "hey I think it's time to make myself a family" and promptly fell straight off a cliff.  I marched right to the top of that mountain and into thin air, and before I could even wrap my head around what was happening my body found a net.  The online infertile community - in the form of bloggers and some forums - existed long before I even started to climb and it caught me, no questions asked.  My friends and family, with a few stumbles but a surprising amount of grace, managed to tap dance and Forrest Gump their way through figuring out how to support me.

And once you get over the initial shock of the fall and your knees stop shaking long enough to think straight, you start thinking and learning about how to best give back to that support system, how to be a functional part of the net.

At best, my 'contribution' to the Infertility community is just trying to be a functional albeit very goofy part of that net when I can; trying to aide in catching people when they fall, and stepping up to the plate when my particular brand of support (which is slaphappy and silly) benefits somebody.

It's because of you ladies that the only bruises on my ass are from hormone injections and not from a spectacular splat falling from Hope to Reality.  In honor and frankly in total awe of you, when I have my wits about me I try to pay homage by being a part of that net.  I am a goofy, totally ridiculous and very specific part of it, but when I get down on myself about how 'useless' my antics are I remind myself that people need goof.

And whatever it is that you are, whatever weird little thing it is that you do well when it comes to being there for other people, it's amazing.  No matter how ridiculous or specific it is, it is amazing.  If your specialty is rarely called upon, it contributes.  There will be a day where you are exactly what a woman needs to make her feel good, and there you are, in our ranks.  Making jokes, photographing roadkill, knitting sweaters for siamese cats, whatever it is.  It has and will continue to do something for someone, as long as you stand with us and be a part of the net when you're able.

I've learned from, continue to learn from and am eternally grateful to be a part of a wild pack of rabid womb warriors who roam this here corner of the Internet.



As far as contributing to this pack... For me, I've started dipping my toe out of the shame closet. While I haven't worked my way up to Facebook yet (never fear, should I ever be that girl that makes a pregnancy announcement I will give a sizable shout out to science and medication), as a result of this support system I'm much more likely to tell people about my struggle.  Maybe not all the time in a sit down pow-wow let's discuss sort of way, but when people ask me what I'm up to, I've learned to tell them what I'm up to. Hell, I once announced to a room full of drag queens and drunken gays that I was having mimosas to have an appropriate, heartfelt goodbye befitting alcohol prior to my first IVF.

I'm starting to do the Facebook math.  Science tells me that 1 in 8 couples experience some form of infertility at some point.  Facebook tells me that half of the women on my newsfeed are pregnant, half of the pregnant women are pregnant with multiples, and 0.0 of them have ever said anything about infertility.  In case you don't feel like pulling out your calculators, that equals a whole lot of unnecessary shame and bullshit.

I'm learning that mostly, people respond to learning of the situation in two ways - either they say something so awful it's hilarious (my favorite example:  a cousin saying "so... does bub have to have surgery to get his sperm removed?") or much more likely, they're supportive and say something wonderful, even if it's not exactly what I would say.

I think one of the biggest contributions a person can make to this community other than just deciding to be a functioning part of it is taking your own experiences of how people responded to your womb woes, and applying them to the womb woes of others.  And if you're reading this and you're new to the Infertile community, or you're not an official member but a loved one of someone who is -  by all means, take whatever you can from my experiences or from the experiences of others and run with it.  Listen to women like me, who have without choice ridden or are riding the roller coaster.  Cheating off of others is not only acceptable but encouraged.

One of the largest and simplest ways a person can help the infertile community is to learn how to be there for, and then be there for, it's other members.

On that note, some promises I'm making based on lessons I've learned, and if you're new to our fold some promises I hope you'll consider making to Infertiles before you've even learned the lessons:

If you are new to a treatment, I will be honest with you about it.  Some parts of it are going to suck.  Most of it's not going to be nearly as bad as your mind can build it up to be.  Much like godzilla, you will be swelling up to twice your usual size and terrorizing your entire city.. but in a charming way.

I will never belittle your feelings about a negative pregnancy test.  You have every right to react to it however you react to it.  Even if it's totally 'expected' I will be pissed with you.

I will never say "so why don't you just adopt?" People hurl this phrase around, and I can't say if I wasn't an infertile I would know how much that phrase stings.  But, we infertiles know - it implies that you're being selfish and that adoption is the 'easy' solution. When a woman is putting herself through hell to make a lifelong dream come true, it's not selfish. Putting herself through fire shouldn't indicate stupidity or selfishness, it should tell you how very badly she wants it. And even women who have only ever wanted to adopt will tell you that adoption is not 'easy'.  We all have girlfriends who have always dreamed of getting married and it just hasn't happened for them so far - and we know not to say to them "why don't you just give up and be single?".  Of course she may end up single, but the heavy editing of a lifelong dream happens on her timetable, not ours.  Implying that you 100% know what the outcome of her struggle will be is a disservice to her and a lie.

Also, as an adoptee, should you end up adopting I will kiss your patootie and you will officially be a saint in the eyes of stork.  Maybe I'll even wear a medallion with your giant face on it. My adoption, in my eyes, was my parents looking at all the kids in the world, pointing at me, and saying "you, kid.  You're about to win the lottery". Having said that, if it's something a person ends up doing, they have to be stoked about it and if you ever are, I will be stoked for you.

I promise to always remember that it is irrelevant whether or not someone's path is the one that I would take.  Irrelevant. It is no one's place to judge how a person creates their family, and most of the time when a woman is doing something that I wouldn't do?  In some way or another it's because she has a bravery that I'll never know.  (Okay but in the spirit of honesty if you're talking kidnapping or making your family entirely out of sock puppets, I will probably have to judge you).

If you have an infertile friend and they are spending so much time talking about their problems and it's starting to bug you? I promise she's controlling herself heavily and you're only seeing the visible top of a deeply submerged iceberg.  It's like one day waking up and discovering that you are going to have a live crow stitched to your head for the next several years.  Yes, you absolutely want to go out and not always talk about that fucking crow, but that shit is distracting.  And it will be difficult, some days, for that person to listen to you complain about your gardener not trimming your hedge properly without her thinking "DUDE.  I have a CROW stitched to MY HEAD".  She is trying, I promise.

I genuinely believe that the appropriate response to most woes of an infertile is to say "that freaking sucks and I am pissed on your behalf", and to not provide suggestions for a next step unless they ask.  And then whatever that next step is?  Get pumped about it for them.  If they do exactly the opposite of what you would do, get pumped for them.

I will cheer with you, I will cry with you, if someone is being an ass I will take off my weave and slap them with it for you, I will make inappropriate jokes (my specialty).  I will embrace hope when you need me to and I will throttle that ho when you need me to.

I think of our little club like AA - does anyone grow up wanting to be a part of that group?  No.  But what a life saving group of badasses who have seen hell's fire and come back to tell the tale. The most confused and fragile members of the group are going to be the new ones, and us veterans need to remember where we came from and act as sponsors.  You are my Sisters in Shittiness and I'm proud to be a member of a group full of such survivors.


Some helpful links that Resolve suggests for new Sisters in the fold, or if you just love one:
*Infertility 101
*About NIAW


So here's to dipping a toe out and to being whatever strange part of the net you can be.


31 comments:

  1. LOVE! And you're working your way out of the closet, slowly....I can't wait for your science riddled pregnancy announcement....I have every hope and prayer you will get to do it. This is a wonderful post! OH how I have missed your writing!

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    1. Thank you lady! When I allow myself to fantasize about this day I keep trying to coin some clever phrasing... Something better than "look what happens when you have too many margaritas, ya'll!" ::BARF::

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  2. Love the image of the crow stitched to my forehead! It does feel that way sometimes, like it's all I talk about and my friends are sick of my bitching, but to be honest it's pretty much BECOME my life and I'd be lying to pretend otherwise. I love the idea of being a badass bitch amongst a group of even badder ass bitches.

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    1. You are DEFINITELY a badass bitch among badass bitches. In total agreement - I've slowly learned to try and ignore the damn crow but it is IMPOSSIBLE sometimes. Also makes it.. challenging is the kindest word I can think of... to be a good friend and listen to non-crow related problems.

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  3. I want to strip totally naked and take a long wallowing bath in the awesomeness that is this post. I adore you x x x

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    1. I adore you so much I just want you to strip totally naked, period.

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  4. The crow parallel=AWESOME. I love you and how you write. Beautiful.

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    1. Thank you! I keep trying to think of a way to explain it to people and then for some reason of all things BIRD ON HEAD popped into my head lol.

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  5. I love this, especially the part about adopting... It's a personal choice and I hate being put on the spot when I choose to share my infertilness with a fellow friend, then they say why not adoption... well we are not there yet, good god. You pretty much summed up my entire fears, tears and tribulations in this little essay, THANK YOU!!
    And yes your facebook math is correct, we are the minority... I wish there was a way for my IRL facebook friends I could tell them without them thinking that I think they are...etc... I just don't want to "out" a person who isn't ready...
    the Greatest supports I have are allof you, you know when to rally with me and know when to get mad for me.... that's what I need - not a game plan, a plan is something I share when I am excited... not pressured to have one... someday i don't want a game plan, i want to be mad... that is great advice. I might need to send this to my friends in real life, just so they can know this is how I feel... you found my words....
    I love that resolve is your AA, because you all are mine.... I say: Hi my name is Ali, and I'm an Infertil, you: Hi Ali... I wish resolve met at a different day and time in my area.... I need to get there....

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    1. Agreed! I definitely don't want to out anyone who's not ready particularly considering I can definitely be a chicken shit about it.. (Weirdly and irrationally, I think it's mostly because I don't want pity or overworked sympathy, even though that's probably a totally valid response). But there are SO many multiples on my newsfeed. SO MANY. So I can't help but just.. wish someone (other than a couple of the girls I know through here) be an inspiration.

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  6. Adoption is a long hard road that I might be traveling down soon. My parents adopted and for them it was much easier back in the 60's.

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    1. Not that I am *incredibly* knowledgeable about the adoption process today, but from what I do know it is INTENSE. And easy doesn't begin to describe the process much less in describing how a woman gets to that point to begin with.

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  7. What a great post! Thank you for sharing this and putting it out there :)

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  8. Love this. Exactly what I needed to read today. Especially seeing as just last night, I smashed Hope and Sadness into a tiny little ball, wedged that ball into the pit of my stomach, and then threw half a chocolate cake on top of it. Really. S said, what's for dinner. And I said, cake! And we were sad and hopeful (and a little nauseous). Thanks for being an excellent part of the net.

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    1. OMG Let's be eating friends. That sounds... so good right now.

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  9. Word. What you said-- all of it. I <3 you and wish that I lived not across the entire US. Thanks for sharing your awesomeness with all of us and serving as a kick ass part of the safety net. So glad that you're there and so glad that you share your thoughts with us.

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  10. "I genuinely believe that the appropriate response to most woes of an infertile is to say "that freaking sucks and I am pissed on your behalf", and to not provide suggestions for a next step unless they ask."

    This sums it up nicely. This is all anyone needs to know about how to respond to an infertile. Very well said. All of it.

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  11. You are awesome! Over and over again! xo

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  12. I loved this post! It said everything I have wanted to say to friends and family over the last few years, but never actually could say (because I sometimes never know where to start or how to start to explain what I am going through to some people). I needed to see it after the week I have had! You are awesome!

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    1. Thank you lady! I needed the compliment today!

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  13. Awesome post! I love your Facebook math. And it's great that you've gotten so much positive feedback about sharing your struggles -- I haven't been so lucky with that so far.

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    1. Oh I've had some shit responses... some positively shit ones! But yes, I've absolutely been lucky in the sense that most of the shit ones are so awful... they are hilarious.

      I think the presumptuous responses are the worst. When a fertile or someone with 0.0 knowledge of this world says, without prompt, "THIS is what you should do next". Or, heaven forbid, they take a problem of theirs that is NOT life altering and will disappear in a few moments and compare it to yours...

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  14. I'm printing out this post (along with all the awesome comments from commenters) and I'm using it as wallpaper on my entire house. That way anyone that comes over has to read it all before they can talk to me or my husband. Then they will understand! Thank you, Stork. You so rock.

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    1. Ha! Thank you! Mayhaps I shall print it out and fashion it into some sort of top hat. ;)

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  15. Love it....every little bit of it!!!!! You speak the truth my dear!!!!

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  16. Hi Stork! I'm here from NIAW Bloggers Unite. You are such a brilliant writer. I love how you write about such serious (and sometimes depressing stuff) with a dose of humor. Thank you for speaking out about infertility and for helping people - both fertiles and infertiles - better understand the highs and lows of this journey and what they can do to help themselves and others who are struggling. I am so proud to be able to raise my voice alongside smart, strong women like you. Also, thank you for speaking about adoption from the adoptee's perspective. As you talked about, it seems like the word "just" has magically attached itself to "adopt" and I hate that because there's nothing "just" about it. You have a unique platform to speak from, so thank you for using it. And most importantly, I wish you success and dreams come true in regards to your family building.

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