Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Boobs... And what else do you want?

Today I would like to talk about boobs.

Those of you with an empty uterus, feel free to take a shot anytime you read the word "boobs". That's today's secret word.

I was asked out at the gym today.

More specifically, I believe my breasts were asked out at the gym today and the rest of me was sort of an unfortunate tag along.

I have big boobs. If/when I get pregnant if my boobs have the audacity to swell, I will be in that special category of women that have to special order their bras online from an Amish woman who mysteriously has an Etsy shop.

I mean, all of me is big (eek), I have bug eyes and my hair left untended (which is most of the time) looks like an inexplicable afro, but a good 50% of the time I thoroughly enjoy having big boobs.  They look good in a corset and give me a distinction in what would otherwise just be a blob in leggings.  However, the downside apart from trying to fit into clothes, small spaces, or trying to go underwater without floating, is that when I get a compliment from a stranger, the compliment doesn't belong in flowery poetry but rather hairy retro 80s porn (I believe it's the big boob/hair combo).

Though I am old and married, I enjoy being looked at (not boob specific, but just looked at) just as much as the next girl, it can be a nice little compliment.  I do not like being oggled.  I once had a man nearly run me off the road to tell me I had 'the nicest tits!'.  I would prefer compliments I can imagine Ryan Gosling saying in a movie, not compliments I imagine him saying late at night in the dirtiest most shameful parts of my mind.

(The irony being I'm so disgusting at the gym - sweaty, no make-up, inexplicable hair - and I'm being mentally motorboated by men.  I get dressed up to go to gay karaoke/line dancing night with Mr. T, and not one lesbian hits on me.  Sad face.  What gives lesbians?  I'm absolutely charming and I love home depot just as much as any girl with a crew cut! but I digress).

My problem at the gym is the damn bicycle. I have the best sports bra on the planet, in my opinion, however as my husband put it when I was jumping up and down and asking if I looked like a low budget porn, "the problem is you have more cleavage than most women have breasts". And on the bike there's a lot of up-and-down and side-to-side happening, and on more than one occasion a man has spent far too long on the equipment in front of my bike staring with the intensity usually reserved for doing taxes.  The shower I take when I get home isn't always from my own sweating.

And I love a good pair of boobs!  Don't get me wrong.  I am weirdly hypnotized by a good pair.  However the hypnosis lasts about 2 seconds before I think "stork, you're being creepy".  If you don't share the creepy hypnosis I'm talking about, just think.. it doesn't even have to be sexual.  If a disgusting man were on a treadmill and his balls were out and shaking left to right, you'd have to look for a second because something ridiculous is happening.  I just don't understand the full on unbreakable boob hypnosis.

Mr. T has been ill so I went gyming by myself today, and for some idiotic reason (I still have a kidney infection! what am I doing?) did the damn free bicycle peep show. I purposely did not look up at the boys working out in front of me, so I only saw shorts.  As I was leaving, a man asked me what I was listening to so intently on my ipod.  We had a 30 second conversation about how I think Kanye West is a dick but his music makes me appropriately workout angry.

Then said man followed me out to my car, and I stupidly still didn't realize what was going on because I'm a believer in that old theatre adage, "All the men are gay, and every man plays with man parts". Then one incredibly uncomfortable car-leaning conversation later, my breasts (heaven forbid he look up.. I honestly doubt the man knew my hair color) were asked to coffee.  I being the mouth responsible for speaking on my boobs behalf explained that my boobs were, in fact, married, as evidenced by my rings.  But thank you.

No more bicycle for me without Mr. T.

...Boobs.


Mr T and I had an interesting conversation many gym trips ago about how there are some women who like to disappear into their children and we don't want to be like that.  I've since been continuing that discussion in my head.

I was talking about how on my Facebook feed I'm constantly being sonogram snipered, and there are a few people who I've had to remove from my newsfeed even though they're lovely people, because it's a constant neverending loop of how their life had no meaning before their kids, it apparently still doesn't have any meaning apart from their kids, and how the rest of us... well, we just don't understand.  (So even though they obviously don't mean it as such, everyday their messages say to me "your life has no meaning, but mine does").

Let me state clearly: obviously I want a kid, I want a kid something awful.  And obviously when/if I finally do get there, I'm going to completely disappear into mommyville for several years, and I'm sure no one will be able to shut me up about it.  This is not a 'better than them' thing.

This is a.. what else is there?  Thing.

Because babies are easy to disappear into, especially for those of us who have worked so hard to get them. They're entirely dependent on you, it's an experience you worked so hard for.. I have so much love for just my hypothetical kid I can't begin to imagine what will happen when I can feel them moving around in my belly much less when they're in front of me.  Indefinable love.

But babies turn into kids, kids turn into teenagers, teenagers turn into adults.  Slowly but surely they start to become people of their own, and when they do, I just think it's a good idea to still be a person of your own.

I want to be the kind of Mom that totally smothers their kid with love and makes their life about them.  I want my kid to know that they are my greatest, proudest, best accomplishment.  But I also, when they get to be an adult, want them to be able to say "damn my Mom's an interesting lady".

I'd still like to be me.  I'd still like to be funny.  I'd still like to write.  I'd still like to have something that I'm proud of aside from them.

This is super important to me if I have a child.  And if I let the dark part of my mind speak above a whisper and say "what if you don't have a child..." ...all the more important.

Because someday when I look back and ask myself what I did the last ten years, I don't want "tried to make a baby" be the only thing I can say.  And should I make a baby, maybe this is one of those things that you're not supposed to say out loud so judge if you must, I don't want to look back and have "I raised a kid" be the only thing I can say. Most important thing I can say, of course, just not the only thing.

So I'm thinking in the near future I'm gonna make a list.  My goals in terms of family-making are pretty fucking clear, I've got that down pat.  But in any scenario - whether I end up with triplets or I end up ::shudder:: childless - the question becomes no less important.

What the fuck else do I want?

.....Not boobs.  I have enough of those.




36 comments:

  1. Totally did shots like you told me to, so I am good and sufficiently shwasted.

    A list sounds fabulous, my dear. One of those things listed, should be about boobs.

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    1. I would try to come up for another word or euphemism for them but there's just isn't one that captures their bouncy personalities quite as well, is there?

      BOOBS.

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  2. I feel you, bosom buddy. I was a 36DD before I had kids. I left Motherhood Maternity in tears at the end of my first trimester after having tried on every.freakin.bra in the entire store. I went up 2 sizes in that first three months - apparently that's how everyone knew I was pregnant. Here I thought it was my stomach I needed to suck in.

    I did in fact have to buy my bras online (Bravado is awesome!) and it made my week when I stopped nursing and my boobs finally reverted to their normal (although sadly deflated). I like having curves, but what's wrong with the single letters? A simple C or D cup would have been just fine. If only my 14-year-old B-cup self knew what she was wishing for.

    We share the same philosophy about parenting too. Being a mother is an important part of who I am, but it doesn't define me in isolation. And I like it like that.

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    1. We are size buddies! I am a 38DD.... and it is a bitch and a half trying to find any bras that aren't beige grandma bras, the mumu equivalent for breasts where the makers are saying "just give up".

      Bravado! Mental note I am looking up after this... And I would seriously consider killing someone for a nice, perky, small or medium C. I think that's PERFECT.

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  3. Is it bad that all I could think about while reading your post is "I wonder what sport bras she uses?" Please share... :)

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    1. Aha! The Sports bra... So I spent some good dough on sports bras to begin with that didn't really help with my flopping around.

      Then my Mom finds a pack of "bally total fitness high impact" at Costco or something - and BOOM. They smoosh me just right. There's still the issue of cleavage but that cleavage aint moving nowhere for no one.

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  4. Big boobs....what sports bra do you have because I haven't found one that A) fits my bodacious tatas or B) provides any kind of real anti bounce support. I generally have 2-3 bras on to get the support I want just so I don't give myself a black eye if I jog/hop or skip. Oh and my boobs went up 5 cup sizes when I got pregnant the first time. The never went back. I'm slightly afraid they've gone up again, but I'm unwilling to go get sized....at least at this point My bras aren't horribly uncomfortable.

    I really hope I'm not one of those people who disappears into my kids. I love my daughter to death, but I like that I still have a bit of a life outside of her. I need that to maintain some sort of sanity. I need that to maintain my relationship with my husband. I need that to be the best mom I can be. Yes, she's so dependent on me right now, it's hard not to let her rule the roost, but you're so right. Eventually she'll grow up and be her own little person. And I want her to think I'm cool.

    I know you'll be that awesomely cool mom who makes the best jokes and keeps your kids's friends in stitches. I know that because that's who you are right now....I'm so very grateful you're still here writing because no matter what, you always bring a smile to my face, and nearly a snort of hilarous laughter with almost every post...except for that one or two serious posts you've done.

    LOVE YOU HONEY!

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    1. I LOVE YOU. That last paragraph is exactly what I needed to hear today...

      You are an awesome Mom and ESPECIALLY for having one so young you are the perfect balance, m'lady.

      Bally Total Fitness high impact sports bra... It was a fluke purchase my Mom made on a whim but I'm tellin ya.. I got a two pack of XL which is technically a D cup even though I'm a DD.. So I definitely have a lot of cleavage going on but it's not MOVING. Praise allah.

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  5. Congrats on being picked up....nice!!!! Boobs...love boobs what's not to love.

    I agree about the mommy thing. I want my son to be proud of who his mom is. To look up to me. I want him to think I'm smart, and to be able to ask me anything and I can answer it. I plan on working 3 months after he is born, but only part time. I think it important to socialize your kid, but also for mommy to get some time out...and if that is work so be it. But most important I want him to know how hard we worked and how much we wanted him.

    I was watching parenthood the other night, and I was saying to my husband some day this baby is going to be a teenager, and we will be dealing with teenage stuff. It's so hard to think that that is going to happen, but it will and then adulthood and all the other stuff. It's crazy.

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    1. I am totally confident in your balancing Mommy abilities!

      I think with women like us there is no possible way our kid won't know that they are exceptionally loved and wanted... You worked like hell to get him here, he probably worked like hell to get here.. He was PUT here. I'm confident he's going to do something with it.

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  6. You deal with your big boobs so much better than I did. I couldn't handle them being gawked at (and they also hurt like a bitch) so I chopped them off. In my defense, they weren't NICE big boobs. Some women have beautifully-shaped boobs, no matter the size (which I'm guessing is what you're blessed with), but mine were...blah.

    Also, I've never been hit on by a lesbian either. It's rather depressing.

    As for the being defined by your kids thing...totally agree with your thinking on this. Although my blog is now annoyingly pregnancy-heavy (mostly because I have nothing else happening in my life right now), it's not something I talk about much on FB. If I were to be defined by my FB posts, it would be as the grumpy old librarian who complains endlessly about university students and Conservatives. I'm fine with that definition. :)

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    1. I love you for complaining about students and conservatives. I LOVE YOU FOR IT. (How are we not facebook friends?)

      Iiii have thought about getting mine chopped down after I'm officially confident I won't be giving birth again/ever. They didn't give me trouble for the longest time, but the last few years sometimes I wake up and my shoulders are like "hellllp ussss.... pleeeeaaassseee".

      You are pregnant and you worked for it! Be annoyingly pregnancy heavy. when your kid is 3 we'll re-evaluate. ;)

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  7. Great post! Somehow you made it hilarous and thought provoking! Impressive combination! I really hope you said "thank but these boobs are married!"

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    1. Hahaha I wish I could've been that quick at the time! I DID however awkwardly mutter "thank you for the compliment but they're married".

      OMG... So mortifying..

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  8. I hear ya on the big boobs- I've got 36DDDs over here and I am downright scared sh*tless over how big they may get through pregnancy. I used to have a coworker that would stare at my chest when talking to me which was super uncomfortable. I certainly wasn't flashing any cleavage at work so WTF?

    I also agree with the rest of your post. I love that my mom has interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with her grown-up daughters. She even had them while we were kids! I hope to be like her. :-)

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    1. I am a 38DD! (Although not adding the last D might be some denial on my part). I have come to learn that when you are our size you could be wearing a loose fitting turtle neck and there will still be men who don't notice your hair color.

      Total agreement! My Mom is a stone cold fascinating lady who is like "fuck it I'm going to take Italian" in her 60s. I want to be her when I grow up..

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  9. Who doesn't love boobs?

    Also, you nailed my thoughts on parenting exactly. I want my kids and grandkids to think I'm an interesting and worthwhile person who also happens to be their loving mother.

    And finally, I am always so smitten with the fact that your writing allows me to picture your scenes exactly. It's always raw and real and humorous. Thanks for that!

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    1. Good Lord that was a great compliment! Thank you, m'lady, I shimmy in your general direction.

      I LOVE BOOBS. Boobs in all shapes and sizes, I am disgustingly riveted. I must be stopped.

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  10. I totally know what you mean about being hypnotized by boobs. Happens to me all the time. And I love "sonogram snipered"! It's the perfect phrase to describe what it feels like to suddenly see an ultrasound photo in your news feed. Yes, you can block them at that point, but the damage is already done.

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    1. They need an app for this... I know there's that one that turns baby pictures into animals.. But one where the person is instantly removed from your newsfeed without you even knowing it the second they say the words "pregnant".

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  11. Yes! I couldn't agree more with this parenting philosophy. I still want/need to be my own person outside of "mother". I think it makes you a better parent, personally.
    And....boobs. I do not have big boobs so I do sometimes find myself hypnotized by them. Then I catch myself and really hope the woman didn't notice. I am really hoping for some big pregnancy boobs but no luck yet.

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    1. I've got big boobs and I am RIVETED by them. Big boobs small boobs green boobs... I'm a little creepy.

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  12. I was utterly ignored by boys at school until the age of sixteen. Then suddenly BOOM, I was flavour of the month. I. do. not. run. though, not ever ever ever. Big boobies do not a sprinter make. I am a boob spotter though. Remus is a boob man and I will always point out a particularly fine pair if I spot one.

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    1. Me too me too! Although I did sprout super early... So in Elementary School the boys used to call me 'dolly parton' in a taunting way. Then I moved to Mexico, came back a couple of years later and suddenly I'm all the rage. (And I'm happy to report that the worst 'dolly parton' offenders of elementary school are all still, to this day, boys under 5 foot 3).

      I totally notice boobs before Bub does!

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  13. I can't say I can relate to the boob thing, but that was funny! I've always wanted larger ones, but reading that made me think twice. LOL! If I was a lesbian, I would definitely hit on you! I would hit on you as a heterosexual woman! ;-)

    I'm totally guilty of talking about pregnancy/future mommyhood too much! But I do have a life, and I have lots to appreciate and enjoy other than that. I'm just excited is all. :-) It's easy to get carried away. I hope once I settle in, some of my baby crazies will go away, haha.

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    1. Yooooouuuuu have earned the right to be baby crazy. Again, doesn't bother me so much when the likes of us are like that, and of COURSE it's gonna happen when you're pregnant/have a super little one. You probably won't get me to shut up when/if it happens.

      We'll have a discussion when your kid reaches 3. I'll just pop outside your house with a megaphone and say "Lisa, stop being cray cray". ;)

      Don't think I won't do a heterosexual married pregnant lady... I will DO IT.

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    2. LMAO!! Well, thank you very much - especially for the last part! ;-)

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  14. My breasts are also large and I always squeeze myself into a smaller size to compress them, still I might have to have that Amish lady make me some bras soon. Please link to her Etsy site when you find it. J/K but not really

    I hate getting hit on. Happens when I go to the gym on the military installation. Yup all they see is the boobs, even though they are covered up by a sports bra, sport top over it and a loose shirt my shirt still tents out around them.

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    1. What IS that? I don't understand how a gym is a pick up spot in the first place.. I mean, everyone is sweaty, disgusting, and engaging in a little bit of vanity... I just always assumed the places where my boobs would be a problem is where people.. smell better...

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  15. Your post hit home, and let me just say I'm so grateful someone else out there feels the way I do! Great post!
    I think after trying so hard for so very long to have a kiddo, it really does make us realize there is more to life than being a parent. We have to find things we love besides our kid, or the thought of having a kid, and so us infertiles work extra hard to make a life beyond being a mom. It will be a miracle the day I actually have a baby, but I know the best thing for me and the child is to get those 18 years of lovin' in and then let them be free. They aren't around forever, and despite wanting a child so badly, I also look forward to traveling with my hubby and volunteering when our future kid leaves someday.

    I'd also like to say I completely relate to the annoying mommy commentary of 'My life had no meaning before kids, but now that I have kids, no one will ever understand how busy and exhausted I am'. So basically, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. As someone without kids, my life is shit. And when I do finally have a kid, life will basically suck. Until you get a brief moment of silence and the child is sleeping.

    Thanks for letting me rant and thanks for your awesome blog!

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  16. Shit, girl, you are hilarious. This made me laugh real hard, which I totally needed today. Please don't think me pervy (or do, whatever), but this entire post I was like, "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!" Because it made me so curious. And I do so love boobs. And mine are just little!

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  17. I wish I could relate to the boobs - mine are what I like to call a minuses. . .but I can relate to your other gripe. I hate it when parents ask me, "do YOU have children?" As if my master's in education has no weight unless I've born children from my loins. Annoying. I also dislike sahm who make me feel like I'm a horrible parent for "choosing" to work. I like to think that I'm setting a good example for them, but if making me feel guilty helps you feel better about yourself, by all means.

    Don't worry, I have no doubt your children will find you interesting! ;)

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  18. My boobs are also on the larger side, especially for my frame, but I sadly haven't learned to love them as you have... I want to be able to wear those plunging necklines without looking like a hooker!

    Also: totes feelin' ya on the what-the-eff-else-am-I-doing-with-my-life thang... my plan is to trudge along this path, pop out a baby and THEN make an amazing career change that will impress everybody. Except I don't even know what that career change is. And it's probably going to be even harder when there's a bloody kid in the picture. Kind of sad to think I'm procrastinating on what I want to devote the second half of my life to.

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  19. So Stork (and Stork's boobage), how are things over there, most interesting of interesting ones? I hope that things are rosey and full of Richard Simmons and other sparkly things, so much so that you just can't quite squeeze us in.

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