Saturday, March 21, 2015

A Petty Facebook Fight

Happy Saturday, my fellow fucked-fecundity friends.

The wee one is at Grandma's for the night. I've been unsupervised for 2 hours and feel as though I'm doing something illegal. About once a month she has a babycation there for an evening (good for marriage, good for sanity, good for baby - what happens at Grandmas stays at Grandmas and all that).  While others may scoff at this once-a-month-plan I know that it's good for us - however, every single time I spend about two hours blissfully doing nothing, followed by becoming completely bored and inevitably staring at pictures of her and willing myself not to clean because that seems like a lamesauce waste of a day off.

This week was marked by weirdness but yesterdays gem takes the cake. A cousin of mine, who is not someone I talk to more than once a year, called me out on Facebook for, apparently, posting my entire life online.

As is the usual, once daylight hits and Heisenbaby woke up I took her into our bed and shoved my boob in her mouth to try to talk her into dozing for a bit longer. When it worked for her and not for me, I pulled out my phone to dick around. Facebook asked me if I would allow it to post a tagged post to my timelines...

Damn me for not taking a picture of this because I knew it would get deleted eventually, but to paraphrase:

'Shout out to my cuz Stupid Stork. She has a high IQ and her sense of humor rivals mine...'

(DEAR GAWD IN HEAVEN)

'.... I don't unfriend I just remove people from my feed, it's nothing personal. I just don't need your every move, your every selfie, your every pity party, your every issue. No love lost.'


Now in the event we're not friends on the dreaded FertileBook (and why the eff aren't we? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES) you should know I am psychotically, unabashedly goofy on there.

You could complain about the number of pictures of Heisenbaby, and I would respect it.

I know how obnoxious baby pictures can be - and I put her cute ones into albums like "March 2015" for example. Bub doesn't particularly like that I post pics of her online, and I know how it is when you're trying (5 years, ya'll) seeing babies online. My reasoning for it is I waited so. long. There are a few things I don't do out of sensitivity and some I allow myself because they were things I was so looking forward to as a Mom and don't want to deny myself (which is hard). I'm not a California native so this is a way to keep in touch with people (who are all. over. the. place.) without actually having to keep in touch via 4,000 different avenues and frankly it's a good place to store some of her photos in case anything happens to them.  So you could be irritated by that, for sure, and I'd totally get why a person would want to 'unfollow'.

You could also be irritated that I'm so silly. I LOVE silly - LOVE. Some people don't. I just don't see Facebook as the avenue to bare my soul.

Which is why the rest of it is SO. CONFUSING. Self pity? Selfies? Issues?

The closest I have to a pity party is when I posted a few days ago my plan to meet new Mom friends: Sit atop tree in front yard. Bring large butterfly net. Wait.

I feel like the sarcasm is pretty evident in that one. It genuinely didn't occur to me that I should make clear that I'm not ACTUALLY sitting in a tree hoping to catch Mom friends. UNDIAL 911.

What makes this even more confusing is that this is a person who I talk to maybe at the family Christmas party for 5 minutes and I had absolutely no idea they were paying attention to what I was doing on Facebook.

Even more confusing, what is the point of tagging me in a public post? There is a handy-dandy unfollow button and I would be none the wiser. (It should be noted, that he does consider himself a bit of a thug I suppose - so my only guess is sharing this made him think he would seem very particular, coveted, badass... The flaw in this plan is that I'm a 33 year old writer/stay at home Mom so the only street cred I could give him is if he wanted to have a dance off. I do a mean robot.)

I commented 'What is happening?' and then a few minutes later I was going to post 'somehow I will move on and pick up the pieces of my life, surely there is a support group for people like me' but it had since been deleted.

So I posted the following:

I thiiiiink (?) it was just pointed out to me I put my whole life on Facebook? So now I'm going to narrate my every move to you IN ALL CAPS. BUBBA JUST PUT THE DOGS IN YOU GUYS.

And spent my day, when I had a free moment, making the following observations:

YOU GUYS I JUST GOT TO A DOCTORS OFFICE AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO PARKING BUT THERE WAS A PIGEON.

YOU GUYS EVERYTHING IN THIS BUILDING IS TAUPE I THINK TAUPE IS GOING TO BE HUGE IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE DECOR CIRCUIT.

TAUPE IS A GAME CHANGER. I REPEAT, TAUPE IS A GAME CHANGER.

YOU GUYS IT'S SO HARD TO DRESS FOR THE GYNECOLOGIST I'M TORN BETWEEN EASY ACCESS AND PLAYING HARD TO GET.

YOU GUYS I WAS JUST PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED BY A BUTTERFLY ON MY PORCH.

YOU GUYS MY DOGS SQUEAKY TOY ELEPHANT JUST REAPPEARED AFTER BEING MISSING FOR OVER A YEAR. QUESTIONING WHETHER HE WAS ON VACATION. VIVA HARRY ELEFANTE.

YOU GUYS WHY ISN'T WACHOVIA'S SLOGAN 'WACHOVIA WE WATCH OVA YA'.

YOU GUYS I THOUGHT I HAD A CANCEROUS LOOKING MOLE BUT IT TURNED OUT TO JUST BE A STRAY BIT OF HEISENBABY POOP.

YOU GUYS I HAVE NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE THINK HUMMINGBIRDS ARE AWESOME EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME I HEAR ONE I THINK IT'S A GINORMOUS BEE AND I HIT THE DECK.

YOU GUYS I HAVE THE FEELING WILFRED BRIMLEY'S MUSTACHE IS AUTONOMOUS.


(Source.)

In other news, yesterday I found out I'm getting a laparoscopy hopefully as soon as possible (first one in 15 years). I've been in crazy pain for quite a few months, so they're going to open me up to see what's the haps and if necessary look into an excision surgery.

So on a bright note, my cousin actually gave me a lovely distraction. Asshat. 




18 comments:

  1. Well I hope the laproscopy goes well if you have to have one. And nope, I don't have you as a friend on fb. Should I? LOL

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    1. YES YOU SHOULD BE. Although apparently I am wildly obnoxious. Now to deduce how to get you to find me without putting my last name up here... Email me! Stupid Stork 4 @ gmail dot com

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  2. Good luck with your lap!! As for the annoying cousin: brilliant response. (Yours, I mean. Not his. His was chicken shit. But I like the bird theme that seems to run in the family.)

    I'd enjoy seeing that so-called mundane goofy shit in my FB feed. If you want to connect with another offbeat mama in SoCal, I'd like that! (It's Lauren @OnFecundThought, in case it tells you Anonymous.)

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    1. Yes please! YESSSS!!!! Email me and I can send you my name - Stupid Stork 4 at gmail dot com

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  3. Seriously?! What a jerk! I think babycations are awesome! We have only had ONE baby free night and it was for work. I hope your lap goes well! Could it be adhesions?

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    1. No idea! It's been about 15 years since I've had a lap and when I did it was endo (they kept telling me I was too young for it. Bastards.) Now I have familiar pain again and yet again everybody is pointing me all over the place so figure I'll just have a lap before I get pointed anywhere else. :/

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  4. LOL at "what happens at grandmas." My LO also has babycations and I don't want to know what occurs when she is away.
    Your cousin sounds really weird. I would be thrilled to have those updates grace my feed!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I figure that's the fun of having a Grandma is getting to do stuff Mommy won't let you do... ;)

      And yeah.. Normally I'm a fan of weird but this is just 'dude, you ok?' weird.

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  5. I love your plan for meeting new Mom friends...I am going to have to try that! I have a feeling with the way our trees are I am going to only catch leaves that are falling.
    I am not friends with you on FB...going to have to change that so I can add some fun to my feed. :)

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    1. Email me! I'll send you my name there's only one of me. stupid stork 4 @ gmail dot com

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  6. Good luck with the Lap! And I love your posts on FB, and I especially loved that one. I was dying. My husband kept looking at me like, "DaFuq iz so funnies?"

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  7. Sent you an email - I want in on Facebook craziness!

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  8. I will be sending an email too - but please reassure me that you're posting status updates, and not random "You know you lived in the 90s" photos. :)

    Sending the baby to grandma's for a night is the best idea ever. My MIL watched our daughter 48 straight hours every other week while I went to work. And watched TV and went shopping and stuff like that - my husband was working out of state, and it was a lifesaver. Enjoy it!

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  9. How do I not have you on FB yet?! I need some silly in my newsfeed. Also, your cousin sounds like a real gem....I mean jerk.

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    1. Ahem, apparently I was signed in on the wrong account.

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  10. A babycation sounds dreamy. I had about 2 hours all to myself this weekend and I didn't know what to do. While I am inherently lazy, I still had to stop myself from cleaning and forced myself to just sit on the couch and watch tv. What is that all about?
    I actually had my cousin unfriend me on FB. Actually, 2 cousins have done that now that I think about it. WTF?!? I think one thought I was spreading gossip (aka all the personal stuff she posted on FB) about her to the non-FB members of the family. I wasn't. But, whatever. We aren't particularly close. Clearly.

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  11. xem phim xác sống 6đầy bất ngờ của The Walking Dead mùa 5? xem phim hoàng đế lưu manhBộ phim phản ánh những thông điệp rằng mọi người có thể chia sẻ những khó khăn nhưng không thể chia sẻ sự giàu có phim dao ha luu tinh tvb khi hắn phát hiện ra gian thần,chàng trai đáng thương và điều đó sẽ chìm vào lãng quên xem phim ngọa hổ tàng long 2Nhưng rốt cuộc tôi lại được nhận vai phản diện Mantis, một nhân vật vốn không có trong kịch bản ban đầu phim công công xuất cungNội dung phim nói về cuộc đời của những vị thái giám sau khi triều đại phong kiến sụp đổ hoàn toàn xem phim bí quyết luyện rồng 3Sau khi cuộc chiến của hai bộ tộc Vikings chấm dứt và hàn gắn được hòa bình giữa hai vệ thần rồng khổng lồ xem phim kiêu hùng tvbở Thượng Hải thời kỳ dân quốc, liên tiếp những trận chiến diễn ra giữa các băng đảng phim cương thi tvbnổi tiếng qua series đình đám Khử tà diệt ma. Còn với TVB, Cương (Blue Veins) là bộ phim đầu tiên có nhân vật chính xem phim Naruto Shippuuden tập cuối Người ta sợ vì tuy không làm gì nhưng cái bóng ẩn nấp bên trong cậu bé đã giết chết không biết bao nhiêu người thân phim One Piece trọn bộ Tóc đỏ", giong buồm ra khơi trên chuyến hành trình tìm kho báu huyền thoại One Piece phim cám dỗ nghiệt ngã 2015chắp bút, nói về cuộc sống thăng trầm của hai người phụ nữ đã từng là bạn học của nhau thời cấp ba

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  12. I miss your writing. Hope you are well.

    ReplyDelete