Hoping that Santa brought you everything you wanted and that the New Year brought you some closure on the old one.
Sorry that this is going to be brief - still pulling myself out of the holiday haze and more importantly, I am pretty much constantly in a state of panic.
I am, as of today, 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Tomorrow morning, yet another ultrasound.
At 6 week 2 day ultrasound - our Doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on his machine so he sent us upstairs to a higher tech machine. After an hour of being in that waiting room with multiple visibly pregnant women thinking 'welp that's it', they found it right away (phew). 102. But I was measuring only 5 weeks 5 days (which would explain why Heisenberg was so hard to find).
At 7 week 2 day ultrasound my Doctor was out of town so a different Doctor saw me. Heartrate was up to 128 (which is right), and it grew about a weeks worth in a week. But I was measuring 6 weeks 4-5 days.
Apparently, this could be fine or it could not be fine. I kind of grilled the fill-in Doctor about what the hell I should be feeling because just going week to week with what is essentially "we don't freaking know anything " is stressful. (I understand there are no guarantees but why the fuck am I even doing ultrasounds if afterwards I can't feel better or worse.) He elaborated - but by elaborated I mean used more words to say "we don't freaking know, it could be nothing or it could be something".
PS - I love that my Doctors office is realistic and doesn't blow sunshine up your ass, I do. However I think all RE's need a memo that NONE of the women who have been trying for a certain amount of time have the problem of not enough doomsday scenarios running around in their head. As far as help is concerned that's not something I need help with. Statistically speaking I'm ALWAYS on the shit end of the stick when it comes to reproduction so feeling the need to make sure I'm being realistic or that my hope is well in check is kind of bull shit.
So sometimes this means it's an abnormal pregnancy that will eventually end. Sometimes it's just something that people who have had FETs encounter - late bloomers. So it could mean something or it could mean nothing (I mean, a 51/49 scenario even would be nice).
The one thing they said that I find equally comforting and terrifying depending on my mood is that the outcome is long ago decided - there's nothing I can do to change it.
I always imagined that once I did get pregnant, I would just be happy, that's it - number one emotion. Some nerves thrown in for sure because at this point I know WAY too much to be without them, but mainly I would feel happy.
And let me say here before that statement makes anyone upset - I am happy and I know how lucky I am to have gotten this far. And if I have to have a panic attack for the next 32 weeks - NO problem. Happy to do.
But mainly I am fucking terrified. I am terrified that after all this time, if I let myself get happy or attached or optimistic and it's snatched away from me (not just hope for a dream but being close enough to fucking TASTE it) I will fall so tremendously far that there will just be no recovering. Not like 'oh that's awful but she'll persevere she's so strong' kind of breakdown but a full tilt boogie, old school, 'call someone with a big butterfly net' crazy.
So every day, I'm afraid. I know I should be enjoying every second that I am pregnant (someone gave me the very helpful mantra - which I've been using but to no avail - today I am pregnant and I am happy). I know I should - and don't get me wrong, every day there are moments where I'm like 'fuck yeah this could end in a baby!' But I'm so afraid of getting attached. So afraid. So afraid that if I start thinking that maybe this one fucking time I'll come out on the good side of statistics and a Doctor may look at me and say something OTHER than 'well we just don't know, maybe you're screwed' that I'll be punished beyond measure for my foolish optimism.
But today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant. Please stick around, Heisenberg. Please, please, please, please God please.
Think a happy thought for me and Heisenberg for tomorrow! Think pray do a small jig, something please.
Hopefully everything caught up and grew properly, and I can go back to fun posts (like about how I'm pretty sure Macaulay Culkin and Mary Kate Olsen are the same person).