Thursday, January 2, 2014

Feeling Dump

It. Is. Thursday.

Hoping that Santa brought you everything you wanted and that the New Year brought you some closure on the old one.

Sorry that this is going to be brief - still pulling myself out of the holiday haze and more importantly, I am pretty much constantly in a state of panic.

I am, as of today, 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  Tomorrow morning, yet another ultrasound.

At 6 week 2 day ultrasound - our Doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on his machine so he sent us upstairs to a higher tech machine.  After an hour of being in that waiting room with multiple visibly pregnant women thinking 'welp that's it', they found it right away (phew). 102.  But I was measuring only 5 weeks 5 days (which would explain why Heisenberg was so hard to find).

At 7 week 2 day ultrasound my Doctor was out of town so a different Doctor saw me.  Heartrate was up to 128 (which is right), and it grew about a weeks worth in a week.  But I was measuring 6 weeks 4-5 days.

Apparently, this could be fine or it could not be fine.  I kind of grilled the fill-in Doctor about what the hell I should be feeling because just going week to week with what is essentially "we don't freaking know anything " is stressful. (I understand there are no guarantees but why the fuck am I even doing ultrasounds if afterwards I can't feel better or worse.)  He elaborated - but by elaborated I mean used more words to say "we don't freaking know, it could be nothing or it could be something". 

PS - I love that my Doctors office is realistic and doesn't blow sunshine up your ass, I do.  However I think all RE's need a memo that NONE of the women who have been trying for a certain amount of time have the problem of not enough doomsday scenarios running around in their head.  As far as help is concerned that's not something I need help with.  Statistically speaking I'm ALWAYS on the shit end of the stick when it comes to reproduction so feeling the need to make sure I'm being realistic or that my hope is well in check is kind of bull shit.

Anyway.

So sometimes this means it's an abnormal pregnancy that will eventually end.  Sometimes it's just something that people who have had FETs encounter - late bloomers.  So it could mean something or it could mean nothing (I mean, a 51/49 scenario even would be nice).

The one thing they said that I find equally comforting and terrifying depending on my mood is that the outcome is long ago decided - there's nothing I can do to change it.

I always imagined that once I did get pregnant, I would just be happy, that's it - number one emotion.  Some nerves thrown in for sure because at this point I know WAY too much to be without them, but mainly I would feel happy.

And let me say here before that statement makes anyone upset - I am happy and I know how lucky I am to have gotten this far.  And if I have to have a panic attack for the next 32 weeks - NO problem.  Happy to do.

But mainly I am fucking terrified.  I am terrified that after all this time, if I let myself get happy or attached or optimistic and it's snatched away from me (not just hope for a dream but being close enough to fucking TASTE it) I will fall so tremendously far that there will just be no recovering.  Not like 'oh that's awful but she'll persevere she's so strong' kind of breakdown but a full tilt boogie, old school, 'call someone with a big butterfly net' crazy.  

So every day, I'm afraid. I know I should be enjoying every second that I am pregnant (someone gave me the very helpful mantra - which I've been using but to no avail - today I am pregnant and I am happy).  I know I should - and don't get me wrong, every day there are moments where I'm like 'fuck yeah this could end in a baby!' But I'm so afraid of getting attached.  So afraid. So afraid that if I start thinking that maybe this one fucking time I'll come out on the good side of statistics and a Doctor may look at me and say something OTHER than 'well we just don't know, maybe you're screwed' that I'll be punished beyond measure for my foolish optimism.

But today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant.  Please stick around, Heisenberg.  Please, please, please, please God please.

Anyway...

Think a happy thought for me and Heisenberg for tomorrow!  Think pray do a small jig, something please. 

Hopefully everything caught up and grew properly, and I can go back to fun posts (like about how I'm pretty sure Macaulay Culkin and Mary Kate Olsen are the same person). 



30 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel better AT ALL, Ladybug measured behind for quite a while. It might have been her 12 week or even the 20 where she finally caught up. My RE (who was not awesome) thought perhaps we should adjust my due date, but when I started seeing my midwife (who I LOVE) she dismissed that idea and said it was okay to be a little off - she said up to a week in first trimester is okay. My point is, ultrasounds kind of suck. I will be thinking of you and H tomorrow.

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  2. Ultrasounds are in the eyes of the beholder..I was told my twins were measuring completely different in size and might have kidney problems and had no hair and I saw a high risk specialist only for them to be born perfectly fine, same exact
    Weight, kidneys intact and with full heads of hair. Fingers crossed for you!!!

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  3. Ugh i am so sorry and i totally resonate with your feelings that now that you are pregnant you should just be happy. Unfortunately for us IFers and those in the know, you really dont start breathing again until 14 weeks. :( I think you are doing great and taking it one day at a time. Prayers it keeps trucking along and you end up with a deliciously fat baby at the end of this.

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  4. I haven't been where you are, so I can't offer advice on ultrasounds, but I will say that I'm here for you in support. ((hugs))

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  5. I was told measuring anywhere within a week is normal. I totally understand feeling like you are too scared to get attached. I keep thinking this is just too good to be true. Hope your US goes awesome tomorrow!

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  6. Measuring anywhere up to a week ahead or behind can be normal. I hope so much that tomorrow things look good and offer reassurance. I am of course offering up a multitude of positive thoughts though and will be thinking of you!

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  7. I will be thinking if you tomorrow! At that stage, when the babies stretch out they grow by three days! It's such small increments they are measuring! I think the fact that they grew a week in a week is good! Lookin forward to the update!

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  8. Fingers/toes/and everything else crossed for you. It is all but impossible to relax, starting with beta hell and then continuing into the ultrasounds as everything is measured, checked, and...it just totally provokes every bit of anxiety possible. Hope that everything goes really well tomorrow! Will be thinking of you.

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  9. Like many people said above, I was told measuring up to a week behind is ok. I was measuring 5 days behind at my last ultrasound and my RE wasn't too worried. I totally understand how terrifying it can be, though. My fingers are crossed for you and H tomorrow, I really hope everything goes well.

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  10. It is sort of a good sign that you had a weeks worth of growth in a week. My first pregnancy that I lost, I was measuring two days behind at 6w5d, and then five days behind at 8ish weeks. Apparently, stories with a progressive slowing of growth rarely end well, but there are instances where the growth is consistently behind the entire pregnancy that turn out to be okay.

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  11. I know the dreaded few minutes before the wand goes in. I used to break out in hives on my chest....heart pounding out of my chest. It's so normal how you are feeling. I know that feeling of being afraid to embrace it. It's so hard....so hard. I wish we could all be pregnant and be normal about it all, but we will forever be scared because we worked so damn hard for it. I do agree with everyone above about the week behind or week ahead. Totally normal. Oliver was a couple days behind til about 9 weeks, and then he grew so much after that he was a week ahead. Crossing everything for you, and hoping all your worry will melt away as soon as the ultrasound is over:)))

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  12. No advice. Just support. You will be okay. Being pregnant is TERRIFYING and it's okay to feel scared. I felt scared every day for those couple weeks, and looking back I tried to be grateful and happy but mostly? I was just scared. And there's not much I could've done about it, so I don't beat myself up. You feel how you need to feel <3

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  13. Good luck tomorrow! I will be thinking happy thoughts for you!

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  14. Good luck tomorrow!! It's perfectly normal to be scared, believe me. I was scared until the second trimester, and my journey was nothing compared to yours. I also used that mantra "today I am pregnant" - it helped. I'm keeping everything crossed for you, and will check back for good news!

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  15. Ugh, this sounds so difficult. I wish there was something, other than being able to see into the future, that would make it alright. Sending tons of good vibes to you and Heisenberg! one day at a time.

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  16. It really is hard to just relax and enjoy pregnancy after infertility. At least it was for me. Like you, I was afraid to get too attached. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves - like, we fought so hard to get pregnant so why aren't we happier about it or enjoying it more? And that makes it worse. Just feel whatever you are feeling. Don't worry about what you "should" be feeling. It gets easier to be excited and happy the further along you get. That's my 2 cents.
    Good luck tomorrow!

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  17. I hope that you get to enjoy pregnancy without fear soon! Praying for you!!

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  18. Praying for you and that little one today! Loads of support and love your way! Anticipating a positive outcome and follow up post! You (and Heisenberg) are loved!

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  19. Good luck tomorrow! I will be thinking and praying for you and baby. It is such an incredibly scary and stressful time and there is definitely this feeling of constantly holding your breath. My two little FET babies measured several days behind for the first few ultrasounds too. I'm 24 weeks and I still panic before every ultrasound because you just never freaking know. I hope that all goes well!

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  20. Praying! And I will be waiting for an update.

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  21. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! *hugs*

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  22. first off, so glad you updated us. based on your last post I was getting worried! H has always been a bit behind though right? even from the very start. I think he enjoys giving you a good scare -- thats his MO. its sick, H. give your mama a break.

    second, i think there are two things in life that are better taken for granted. 1) marriage. assuming that all is well and just living happily is a nicer way of life than focusing on what could be improved or what could go wrong. 2) pregnancy. to truly be happy, a pregnant mama has to take it for granted that baby is ok in there. impossible to do, except maybe if you were lucky enough to have sex to get pregnant and to be pleasantly surprised to find out you're pregnant. stil, if IFs can somehow train themselves to take it for granted that baby is ok in there, then maybe we could be like those carefree laidback happy glowing pregnant ladies. Perhaps in the 2nd tri that mantra will start working. For now, be assured you are not crazy for wanting to pee on a stick or anything that will turn blue every 3 hours.

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  23. I am sending all my good vibes to you and Heisenberg. Early pregnancy is so scary. Especially early pregnancy where things aren't going by the text books (so many IVF pregnancies).
    You are lucky to have a straight-shooting clinic. One of the docs I randomly saw for an u/s during my first, very short pregnancy wasn't and the glitter bomb he gave us did more harm than good.
    You might be harboring a glitter bomb, you might not, but we're all pulling for you. I, for one, am a huge fan of consistency and I think it's awesome that H grew a week's worth in one week.

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  24. I have to say I know how you feel. My last ultrasound was 20 December and I might or might not have one in late FEB when I meet my OB team. Now I'm in the window for the nucal scan with no OB or RE and I'm frightened. I know how it feels to try to be happy but worry your ass off because you know things could go sour at any minute. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

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  25. I agree about the doctor, if they know how many IVF's and years of IF one has gone through, why in the world would they think that we might be unrealistic or overly optimistic about anything related to babies? I had the same thing happened with Cynthia's OB last week. There is such a thing as being neutral and not stress us more than we need to be.

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  26. Sorry it took me a while to comment on this. Praying for you!

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  27. Thinking of you hope tomorrow goes well, our surrogacy pregnancy measured off all the way through! X

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  28. I'm sorry it's still so hard, after everything you've been through to get here. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

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  29. God I am thinking about you, dear. After my m/c I don't know how I will feel if and when I do get pregnant again. Probably a lot like you. It's scary, but I am thinking a shit ton of positive thoughts for you.

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  30. How did the ultrasound go? Sorry I am so late in commenting but I have been sending good vibes your way!

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