Slut.

Happy Tuesday, my scrumtrulescent kumquats.

I'm going to get up on my soapbox for a few minutes here.  Don't worry - as soon as I've exorcised this I will happily dismount and return to tap-dancing.

There have been a lot of random incidents, in the last month or so, that have shone a light on vaginas.  Being that this is an infertility blog, on any other day I would be talking about a literal light on a literal vagina - but just today, friends, I mean metaphorically.  What it means to have one and with it, the great power and Spidermanesque responsibility.  The standards to which one is held for being in possession of one. The ethereal and intangible but nonetheless very real owners manual, that the world collectively and constantly edits, expecting you to follow.

I don't think it's a big secret that in many, many, many ways the world wants to pull down your pants, check to see if you're an innie or an outtie, and if you're an innie hand out some pretty serious rules. (Not to say outties don't have rules, some of which are absolutely ridiculous - but historically speaking theirs at worst is a heavy handed pamphlet and ours has the heft of an elephant herd).  Today I would just like to draw your attention to what is arguably half the rule book, which is the dangerous and endlessly discussed topic of our very own sexual power and prowess.

(Source. And sidenote - why don't I own a vagina pillow?!)

First there was Miley Cyrus.  (Not like, first in the world, just the first reason to clog your newsfeed with a picture of a vag pillow so I can vent). Two months ago I couldn't have told you who that was, apart from the fact that I am fairly certain that she was either on a) Dora the Explorer or B) a show about a young girl with schizophrenia.

I know you read about it because the internet imploded and collapsed in on itself like a dying star in response - not since the red wedding on the Titties and Dragon show has their been such a fuss.  I also know I'm about a million years late on this, but this was just the first drop in the vagina-themed bucket as it were.

In the event that you somehow avoided it (how?  HOW?) allow me to sum up.  VMAs happened (wait.. there are still music videos?).  Miley Cyrus performed.  She emerged in a onesie, wagging her tongue and sort of singing.  She then slapped some African American women dressed like teddy bears on the toosh.  Then Robin Thicke came out singing what can only be described as a very catchy rape anthem (the tune of which was heavily... inspired? by Marvin Gaye), Miley stripped down to flesh toned skivvies, and twerked on his crotch before sexually assaulting a foam finger.

The super short version - two kids of somewhat laughable stars from the 90s performed.  The one that looked like a hyper sexualized Zack Morris/Susan Powder hybrid got freaky on the creepy old man dressed like Beetlejuice.  The end.

In case you somehow (again - HOW?) missed it - here it is:

Lines were drawn - of the non-blurry variety.

On one side, you have people shouting about how it's a disgrace that a young woman would behave in such a way. On the other, people shouting about how judging her is a step back for the women's movement.

Drop two in the vagina bucket - in addition to the endless facebook rants and news coverage, I came across this little ditty.  It's a Mom's response to the twerking Miley Cyrus (and to young women in general).  It's worth a read - some of you will love it, some of you will hate it.  Me?  I get where she's coming from and she seems to be dealing with internet backlash with a pretty good deal of grace but no, not a fan.  (In case you're wanting to read - I also came across this response to it on Huffpo).

So here are just a few of my jumbled, well-intentioned thoughts on what the discussion seems to be lately which is namely women's sexuality, particularly when it comes to young women and the 'rules' we're trying to impart on them.

The bullshit we start shoveling women starts young, and one thing contradicts the next.

Don't attempt to be sexy - if you attempt to be sexy, you're asking for it and that's just not right!  Oh, but also we're going to need you to be 5 lbs above organ failure and operating shoes that were designed to gauruntee you're a hunchback by the time you're 40.

Also, men can't control themselves!  Women of the world alone are in charge of whether or not they look at you like a sex object. You're not in charge of whether you tolerate them doing that, but whether or not they even do it in the first place! You have actual magic powers, and can fix troubled men!

Oh, and even though they're animals that absolutely can't control themselves - you're going to want to walk a few steps behind them because though they are all powerful, they're also very very fragile that way. 

But you know, speak up for yourself!  Not if it in any way compromises coming off like a lady (you don't want to be called a feminazi, do you?) but you know.. sometimes!  We're not exactly sure when, per say, but we'll immediately let you know when you've gone too far!

Check out these porn stars!  This is what men covet! Some big boobs, some hefty make-up... But also, your virginity is something to guard with your life.  Sex can be no fun until your married!  It doesn't mean anything, and it's something you should regret if you do it!

Sex can be fun!  In sex ed class, we're going to gloss over that whole clitoris part it's merely decorative.  Also in porn, we're going to gloss over any rational use of the clitoris as it's merely decorative.

There totes aren't any double standards in the adult world!  Totally!  Those endless apropos-of-nothing ads you get on Facebook suggesting you shrink your belly fat or what products to use in order to bag a man are in no way because you're a girl.  Unrelated, please don't ask your male friends what their ads are like.

Love yourself!  Be yourself!  Of course this only applies to you if you fit within my personal gold standard of what a woman looks like and acts like... If not I'm going to need you to look at your body like you would that of a retired umpire and you're going to need to loathe yourself until you earn it.  (And PS - it's totally beautiful to be yourself, but we're gonna photoshop the hell out of already gorgeous women so that they can be.... even more themselves....)

(Source.)

So I don't know where we get off being shocked that the young women of the world have elected a pixie haired girl twerking in a onesie as their current role model.  Was it really any worse than what you see anywhere else?  At least it was... at face value. There was no unspoken but very obvious meaning - it was just laid out there, which is really the only thing people were upset about.  And it pissed/pisses me off that Billy Ray Cyrus' kid is being used as a statement on feminism in one way or another, but this is where we're at, kids.  We can be grossed out all we want but we made her.

For me, it was like when kids perform a skit at a birthday party.  You sit, you watch, you smirk, you're uncomfortable.  And in this scenario the kids were naked. I get that she's 20 (she's 20, ya'll) but it was like a little kids' impersonation of being sexy.  Someone made the comparison to Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress to like a Virgin.. No.  Disagree.  Of all the sexual things Madonna has done - girlfriend owned it. It was hers, no apologies. This was like a kid hopped up on sugar popping out and saying "hey guys!  This is what you want from me, right?"

And I get it.. I remember.  One day you're 12 - already full to the brim of of these bullshit ideas about the narrow, centimeter wide view on what a sexy woman is, but you're still a little kid so you're just waiting to be suited up and put in the game.  Then one day out of the blue you sprout some boobs and men are giving you attention.  Suddenly you have the power that people have been preparing you for your whole damn life - so the response is "someone wants to objectify me?  Awesome!  Finally!  Where can I bend over?"

The ever so brief forays I've had into teenworld, it creeps me out.  Fish lips, smooshing things together, bending over.  Honestly it creeps. me. out.  It's only now dawning on me watching my teenager sister-in-law or seeing a 36 year old man willingly rub his crotch against the backside of Miley Cyrus how creepy the whole older-man on younger-woman attention thing was.

That being said, I would never dream of telling a 16 year old they can't be sexy.  Gurrrl, wear the (reasonably) low cut top.  These are the twins' good years.  Do whatever it is that makes you feel sexy - the only very true cliche I'll offer you is that if the comments and oggles of strangers is the only thing that makes you feel sexy, that's not being sexy.. that's being a giant, gaping wound you're inviting everyone else to fill as they see fit.

What upsets me about the Moms response to teenage girls (as lovely as it's attempting to be) is that it's condescending, judgey, directly contradicts itself and is putting the entire blame of this situation in the hands of women.

Lady, you should know better.  And what you're describing wanting for your sons isn't a woman or a marriage with a woman it's a toothpaste commercial.  And I can't even describe the creepy crawlies that ravage my body at the idea of a middle aged woman inspecting her sons' facebook friends to see if they're all wearing bras.

With allll of this bickering about how we want our younger girls to be - it's not just a statement on how we want them to view themselves, it's how we want them to view men.

We're sending out the message, far and wide, that they're unstoppable barely human creatures that can't control themselves, but also one of your main goals should be to be coveted by them.  We want you right outside the lions cage dangling a piece of meat - too little it won't have any interest, too much you'll be eaten.  

(Source.)

If you're not sexy enough - then no man will ever want you, and PS that's the only way to attain any value in this life.  If you're too sexy - then no man will ever want you, because you're damaged goods.  Madonna or Whore.  These are your choices.

I turn my nose up at anything that says to a woman or girl "if you do this, you are asking for it". If you give a girl the impression that she's entirely responsible for every harmless, teenage boy boner that she causes - what is she going to think if gawd forbid she's ever attacked by someone?  I mean, if you're responsible for a harmless boy crush, surely if you're smited with something horrible that's your responsibility too.  Your lack of a bra was the unstoppable catalyst that caused a teenage boy to lust after you - what did you do to cause someone to force themselves on you?

Every adult woman on this planet does something every day to not be attacked by a man.  Every. Day. It's so ingrained in us that a lot of us don't even think about it anymore - it's like breathing.  You check the backseat of your car before you get in, you don't linger outside the grocery store for too long, if you're going somewhere at night you make sure to let people know where you're going and when you'll be there. And no matter what you do or don't do, if you're attacked by someone who 'can't control' himself, then it is utterly and completely not your fault.

As for regular, non-monstrous men?

I refuse to believe that  we have to surmise that the downside of posing in your skivvies on Facebook is that you're going to cause some uncontrollable physical reaction in a boy.  The downside is how you're viewing your damn self, or that your self esteem is dependent on what others think. 

Men/boys have equal responsibility here.  

By getting online with your teenage sons and judging the pictures of teenage girls to deem who's worthy - how do you not understand that you're teaching your boys to look at pictures of girls and deem who's worthy.

How on Earth is our response to watching a 36 year old man (singing about a girl needing a little convincing to get freaky, no less) grind up on a 20 year old kid to pity him as he and his marriage have clearly been victimized?

There is no equivalent word to slut or whore to call a man.  There isn't.  He's just an asshole, or just working with his good ole' man DNA, or lured by the unstoppable siren song of tempting vixens.  There's no word that implies 'hey, you should feel ashamed of yourself for what you're choosing to do or not do with your genitals'.  Women have hundreds of these words.

And what really gets me - this rant, other internet rants, all of us bickering or having opinions on this isn't going to do shit.  You know why?  Because young women don't give a shit about us bickering.  And why should they?  We completely contradict ourselves.

 So while I'm irritated that of all people Miley Cyrus (couldn't we at least have made it someone who can sing?) is the example here... We birthed her.   Ladies and gentlemen, we have spent years haphazardly mishmashing shit together in some pretentious, we-know-what-we're-doing formula to try to mold young women and what you've just witnessed is the musical manifestation of what we've Frankensteined together.  Miley Cyrus gyrating with grown men, teddy bears and the piece-de-resistance, a foam finger.  She's interpreted our cues fairly accurately if you ask me, down to the letter.  A kid in her panties running around trying to figure out what she should or shouldn't hump next.

As culturally irrelevant as we may feel beyond the age of 25 - we're still the ones in charge.  We're the producers of TV shows, we're the publishers of magazines, the writers of articles, the ones that have been teaching these girls what's what forever.

This is their expression of what we've taught them.

::Returns to tap dancing::