Friday, September 27, 2013

I Value Fuckery

Ferocious Friday, my little pop tarts.

This morning after 2 hours in traffic, I arrive at the laboratory for blood work.  I sit in one of the 50 empty chairs.

After I sit, rather than choose one of the now 49 available chairs, a surly woman with an inexplicably uncovered cup of pee comes and sits directly next to me. 

I look at her buggily.  She is unmoved. I very seriously contemplate licking her neck very gently as we are clearly involved in a very serious relationship now, or just slowly and breathily whispering in her ear "I'm soo... glad.. we're getting... this...intimate..this...fast..."

We sit together for an awkward two minutes as I attempt to tweet about this in a way that she can't see. We're practically dry humping. I am halfway to pregnant.

She then, gesturing with the pee cup so that I can intimately hear the gentle sloshing, asks me if I had to get a number.  Before I could decide how to answer, a nurse calls her in.  Her name is Mrs. Poonanny.

I can't even discuss it.

Translation: we are now day 3 into IVF #2, the super sci fi edition.  I have made two requests with the universe, one for this to work (obvi) so I'm not out of options, and two, to keep me giggling as long as humanly possible.  Now it's just a matter of egg farming (coocoocachoo) and eating all the things everywhere until I am a jiggly pile of food made flesh.
(Yesterday the BFF and I went on a distraction mission to Target. 4 hours of artful photos ensued.)

(Don't even ask me about what happened with bacon this week. Everyone knows bacon goes good with making eggs.)

As it is nearly impossible to keep everyone's ute straight, a brief synopsis to spare you from guessing and/or looking up:

Bub (the husband - not the above banana) and I have been trying since 2009.  I got PCOS.  I don't ovulate without Clomid. We got problems. 99 problems and a baby aint one.

We get to IVF last year.  I respond well.  Inexplicably, even with ICSI only one out of twelve fertilized (would normally be 70-80%). One gets transferred.  Mother effing chemical pregnancy.

Bub's sperm looked awesome - so did my eggs.  Dr. Kickass had his sperm tested for DNA fragmentation - he was fine.  Dr. Kickass got him enrolled in a study to see if he was missing a protein that tells my eggs his sperm is there in the first place -ding ding ding!  So this time, we're trying to get me to make some more eggs (coocoocachoo, I say!!) and then bypass Bub's deficiency by adding the protein to our dishes.  Weeee!

So same shit, basically, as the usual IVF - injecting me with craziness, egg retrieval, etc. - they're just trying a secret spice this time when everybody finally gets together to cook in the pot.  We're adding nutmeg, if you will.

(My spread).


I am medicated.  I have been injected with nuns pee and the like (true story - look it up). The irony of virginal nuns pee burning like a raging case of the ole syphillis going in is not lost on me.

I am zippy.  Inexplicably, 'has she had the blue Heisenberg shit?' zippy.  Nurse Kickass says this should wear off soon and I should start to feel like bloated walrus carcass any minute now.



There is no reason for this zippiness. Let's review - I have had a flu shot, hormones, and though I have quit my sleeping medication I have also quit caffeine.  And right now I could push a fucking car.

Apart from that, I have exactly two responses left to my actual husband: either I want to kill him or fuck him. I can't imagine what other purposes he serves as he is either infuriatingly sexy or just infuriating.  So clearly, the hormones are indeed kicking in.  (And speaking of fucking - today is my last day to do that safely.  I am none too thrilled with this news as I am practically a 14 year old boy and I currently have the pimples to prove it).

The BFF (banana-for-fuckssake) is coming over and we are going to walk to Starbucks to get me some bullshit decaf coffee.

(For the record, folks, now that I'm on the good girls list I can officially say decaf, non-smoking, non-anything is bull shit and you know it.  And so help me if you wave a bunch of kale in my face and tell me it solves everything I will wrestle you into a pork-costume and whisper moistly on your neck).

Mostly I'm kind of euphoric, though.

So please, Universe, pretty please, keep me as positive and giggly and enjoying my fuckery/shenanigans as much as humanly possible while I can.

Please, please fellow infertile.. I don't expect you to feel 100% thrilled or hopeful for me, I appreciate whatever you can muster.. But to nominate myself for a little bit of your positivity: this is my last shot.  I am not the girl that gets pregnant on round one of Clomid, I am not the couple that believes they are in the throws of despair after a few months.  I'm the girl that gets on the train, stays on for years, drives well past screwed, passes the time with jokes.  I am the rare occasion, the horror story, that people could genuinely pull out and say "well if she got pregnant, then there's hope".  Let me be hope.

Please, please, Universe, Gawd, Energy, Universal Force, Frida Kahlo and Bill Murray's testes.. It's my time. 

I've had enough.  I've done a pretty good job at staying silly and tapdancing, and 4 years later I'm still Ms. Bojangles over here.  

It's not my time because I deserve it more or less than anyone else.. it's just my time.  That's all. It just is. Time for a new lesson.

And if you nominate me to Mommy, I will reign benevolently and humorously.  I will be sensitive to others, love my kid beyond anyone's wildest expectations and do the absolute best I can - and possibly most importantly, be full of gratitude for every shitty and/or wonderful motherhood experience.

Please universe, don't punish me for a rare show of optimism.

Please, please, please, please.


49 comments:

  1. I'm laughing out loud and I needed that so thank you. It is your time and I wish you nothing but the best during this cycle.

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  2. I have to say that do indeed know how you feel. After 2 IVF, one Donor Egg IVF and now a second DE IVF on the docit starting with today's CD 1 plus I'll also be doing an embryo adoption with this cycle, I have to say "I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!". Good Luck!

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    1. Shit woman you've been through the ringer...

      Thank you for the luck, lovely!

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  3. When I read, "they're just trying a secret spice this time when everybody finally gets together to cook in the pot." all I could think of is "they're adding some BAM all Emeril Lagasse like!" I truly hope that this is your cycle, my fingers are crossed for you!

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    1. Hahaha Yes indeed! This is IVF the Emeril Lagasse version!

      Thank you for the crossed fingers!!

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  4. Ekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I'm screaming from across the freeway!!!! So happy you have started and got the green light!!!! I'm beyond excited for you!!!! I'm hoping so much for you. Yes decaf is such bullshit....I know it...we all know it....but mama you will rock this pragancy with your decaf in hand and some big old bloat to boot. You said it sister.....it's your turn plain and simple.

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    1. Thank you Ms. B! I NEED YOUR ACROSS-THE-FREEWAY LUCK!!!

      I vow to rock the SHIT out of decaf for 9 months and be happpppppy for the opportunity!

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  5. Hoping so very much and sending positive thoughts and wishes to the universe!

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  6. Sending hope, while immensely enjoying the phrase about moist pork costuming antics. All the best! :D

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  7. Enjoy the fuckery (love that word BTW) because soon you will be pregnant! Or at least we can hope for you. Being on the other side of Infertility is it's own kind of hell, and I don't wish that on you. I wish I could say I don't wish it on anyone, but there are always people who deserve that kind of shit. Aside from that, if any infertile who still has options doesn't wish you the best, let me know and I will throat punch them. Until you are out of options, aside from cutting grains, coffee enemas, and raw milk options, you don't have a clue what that feels like. Now I have rambled all over your blog. Good. And I hope that nutmeg does the trick!!

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    1. Hahaha yaaaay fellow fuckery lover!

      And I equally enjoy the phrase 'throat punch'.

      Thank you for the luck infused nutmeg!

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  8. Replies
    1. SWEAR. Don't know if the nurse was mispronouncing it or what, but he came out and said "Mrs. Poonanny?" and off she disappeared as though a figment of my demented imagination.

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  9. That woman sounds amazing. Like she'd be anyone's best friend - because she'd force herself and her pee on them. WTF.
    So you're aware, I adopted "99 Problems" as my infertility anthem, instead singing "I've got 99 problems and fertility ain't one." Obvious lie but it felt so good to lie to myself. Felt like such a bad ass.
    Decaf is a cruel joke. May you suffer the decaf for trimesters to come.

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    1. She was amazing.. it was one of the first times in life I GENUINELY had to ask myself if I was hallucinating.

      Thank you for the curse of decaf for trimesters! Here's hoping...

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  11. Good luck! This is IT! Keep posting.

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    1. Thank you! And man alive from your keyboard to gawds ears..

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  12. Damn straight it's your time. I fully expect to see you posting a picture of a hot dog baby this time next year.

    As for the creepy waiting room lady...maybe she has an even more twisted sense of humour than you and was just fucking with you. It's the only thing that makes any sort of sense. Weeeeeird....

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    1. Hahaha OMG... Maybe the lady was Future Stork, come back to wish me luck... though if it is future me, I have serious concerns about my choices in eye make up.

      And thank you!! I promise to put my full creativity and twisted mind to the task of Halloween costumes in the future.

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  13. Yes yes yes!!! All my positive vibes are being sent straight to your uterus!!!!!

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  14. Haha youre hilarious!! Sending positive thoughts your way!!

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  15. I am hoping all the best for you! Oh waiting rooms. Such a dangerous and yet amusing place.

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    1. Thank you! And oh lawdy... all sorrrrts of humanity in a waiting room.

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  16. Glad you're enjoying the stims. Wishing you all the best that this is THE cycle!

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    1. Haha enjoying may be strong (although I will try like hell to!) but thank you!! ;)

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  17. Replies
    1. YESSS! Thank you!! I can use all the nominations I can get!!

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  18. Oh Stork, you always have me in stitches. I am sending you so many good egg/sperm meeting egg/egg making embryo/embryo sticking around in ute/adorable baby vibes I can find in my apartment and the surrounding Bronx. xoxo

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    1. YESSSS! I feel weirdly more confident knowing Bronx magic will be involved. Thank you lovely!

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  19. I just stumbled upon your blog and I'm so glad I did. You just gave me some much needed comic relief. Thanks for that! Sending lots of good thoughts your way :)

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  20. It is your time. And I personally am 100% thrilled for you, and I can spare you A LOT of positive vibes for the coming cycle.

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  21. Consider yourself nominated multiple times over. And I hope you don't get to have any caffeine for a long ass time.

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    1. Thank you lady! I'm with you - I seriously hope I don't get to enjoy more than a few drops of caffeine for months & months.

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  22. This is it. This is your time. You deserve it.

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    1. Oh man - thank you, thank you, thank you!

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  23. Totally nominated - sending you hopes for this cycle!

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  24. Good luck! I hope the secret spice is the ticket!!!

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  25. Sending positive vibes your way!

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  26. OMG. I am so excited you have started this cycle! I have a good feeling about the secret spice. Sending all sorts of positive egg growing and fertilizing vibes your way.

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