Friday, March 29, 2013

And Now More Thoughts on Baby Names

Good Friday, interwebs.

I spent the morning treadmilling at a glacial pace (kidney infection, ya'll... should've worn a shirt that said that to defend myself to the judgey) with Mr. T.  

Sidenote - I met him at his gym this morning instead of mine.  His gym is much bigger and has a ginormous ladies room.  It is a labyrinth of corridors and doors - Stork's gym tip for the day:  should you find yourself in such a locker room, don't go whipping open doors in search of a bathroom because one discovery will be more naked than the next.  Also, while I am by no means a cooties stickler, I'm nonetheless in total wonder that every otherwise well coiffed woman exiting the bathroom did not wash her hands after.  I don't understand bothering to wear a high maintenance pink gym outfit and douse yourself with cucumber perfume, and then proceed to use gym equipment with your sweaty urine hands.

But I digress.

Today's gym discussion (Mr. T on the beast of the netherworld otherwise known as an elliptical, I racing a snail on my treadmill) consisted of:
  1. How scary it is that they hang television screens directly over where a person's head is on any given piece of equipment (what could go wrong, it's California!  It's not like the ground could shake!). THat led to whether or not it would be better to have the heavy old school TV's of my gym fall on your head where you would instantly die, or have a flat screen TV of his gym fall on you where it's a 'but what quality of life would she have?' issue, and
  2. Horrible baby names.
In one of my recent scattered posts, I mentioned that my half sister (half as in I'm adopted and we share a birthfather, not half as in she was the victim of a falling TV) is knocked up.  I'm going to be a sort of aunt, and I do wish I could be happier about it.  Not that thrilled though, mostly worried for the kid... but that's neither here nor there.

The point is, I love her, but there's no possible way this kid is not going to be given a stripper name.  And the terrible side of me thinks that this would be a pretty ambitious career path for the child, so why not.  I'm gonna guess Peaches - boy or girl.

Some thoughts on baby names.

Source

Requisite Disclaimer:  Of course I don't mean you. I love that you're going to name your child Squeegy McGee.  It's breathtaking.


1.  Too Weird.
With my maiden name, I have the most boring/generic/common name on the planet.  I've gone to Doctors where I had to give my social security number to identify myself, because there were people who had both my name and birthdate.  I am in definite danger of naming my child Spandex because I want them to feel distinguished and experience the pain of not finding their name on a keychain.

I just think maybe we should think before we go over the line cray-cray with trying to find a strange name... If you're going to get crazy might as well name it the first thing you see after you give birth.  Like Morphine.  Umbilical.  Latex.  Uterine Polyp.

2. On the opposite end of the spectrum..
Speaking as someone who had a very common name up until I got married (people who attempt my married name end up barking), I must beg of you.. Choose a simple, common name because you love it, not because it's on the top 10 list of names for that year. On the upside no creepy guy from high school can find me on Fertilebook, on the downside when they call my name at Starbucks I have to fight off 50 other people trying to take my drink.

3. Please.  Just please.
 I've said it before I'll say it again.. Please don't name your child something because it spells something backwards. It'd be... certainly not cool or clever? Let's go with neato... for about 5 minutes, and then the kid would have to go the rest of their lives with the name Lufituaeb or Ssadab.

4.  Would you have been friends.
Of course you shouldn't judge someone based on their name.  Of course not.  But let's be honest - sometimes you hear a person's name and somehow you know, in the core of your being, that there's no possible way they weren't a bitch in high school.  Just ask yourself a few questions.  Like, does this name make it sound like someone you would've been friends with?  Is there any possible way that they wouldn't have a large collection of precious moment figurines and a secret alcohol problem? Are you pretty sure with a name like that that they've beaten up a kid with down syndrome in the past hour?  Is there any way that they wouldn't be into some weird dress-like-a-baby porn as an adult?  Would they spend their afternoons in high school cutting themselves slowly to your old Radiohead CDs?  Also, can you hear a drunk dayshift DJ demanding that everyone get ready for this person to enter the stage?  These are important questions.

5.  Vowels are neither your best friend or your enemy.
I'm totally for unique spellings but let's not get crazy unless it has some familial meaning to you.  I've had a few baby name conversations like this:

Them:  We're going to name it Grayson.
Me:  Oh that's cute!
Them:  Only we're going to spell it either Gryyyyycscscsynnn or Qgraaasinnn.  On that last one the Q is silent.
Me:  ::blink blink:: Oh that's... Beautiful.  That's Lufituaeb, even.  It's so pretty in fact that I don't think anyone would ever dare to even screw up their paper work.  Never ever.

Ever.


Just some thoughts.  Did I miss any?



44 comments:

  1. Think through every way a name is written. My father went to school with two brothers called Peter and Paul Ennis. Seriously people, think it through. There was a girl at my school called Sarah Taylor-Dunn.... not good initial wise.

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    1. OMG... It's upsetting... That means the Ennis parents did it twice. TWICE. I die.

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  2. Made up names are not all that cool. One of the girls I used to work with named her daughter Adorabella. That just screams stripper with daddy issues to me. Names with apostrophes should be banned. Q'Lieena is not a name. That could just as easily be a venereal disease.

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    1. I knew a woman whose daughter was, in fact, named Precious.

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    2. Adorabella!?!?! NO. Just NO.

      And yes indeed, Q'Lieena... Pretty sure they make a topical cream for that.

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  3. Sing it, sister. Creative naming (and kreatyv name spelling) is a personal pet peeve of mine and has been for years.

    News flash, people: if you want to be creative, choose an unusual name, preferably one that has personal meaning for you. Do NOT take a well-known standard name and misspell it! (And no, I'm not talking about names like Nicole/Nichole or Katherine/Catherine/Kathryn where there is more than one standard spelling. I'm talking about stuff like your "Grayson" examples.)

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  4. P.S. Regarding the common name problem, I hear you. Both my sons have names that just happen to be in the top 10 most popular boys' names for last year. BUT we chose those names in spite of, not because of, their popularity; in fact, I had been planning on using my first son's name for a boy for over 15 years prior to his birth.

    My husband, whose own first name has been consistently in the top three boys' names for the past 40 years or so, reassured me that having common first names would not scar them emotionally. And his surname is a little out of the ordinary, which also helps.

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    1. A wackadoo last name throws it off nicely! I loved my last name of course but now with the new weird one I don't mind so much being a Jenny. It's nice to have something to have to spell for people.

      Some of the first names I like are definitely a wee bit plain (and my freaking maiden name, which actually has meaning to me, has snuck into the mother effing list of top baby names though not top 10 yet... Argh.)

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  5. It took me forever to name my pets. I don't know how I am going to name actual human beings. It's so much pressure!

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    1. Soooo much pressure. So much. There are names I loved 5 years ago that I wouldn't dream of naming anybody now, which makes me a wee bit nervous..

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  6. This isn't necessarily a do or don't, but I find it interesting when people name their kids something that is traditionally a nickname. Like, Meg instead of Megan or Margaret. The kid ends up spending its whole life explaining to people that no, they aren't a Sandra, they're just Sandy. I think that would end up being really annoying after a while. Although at the same time, I really think the name Josie is cute, but I would never dream of naming a child Josephine. Such a dilemma!

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    1. Yes! Definitely gives me pause. My Dad's name was like that and for his whooooole life people wrote out what they thought his 'full' name was on things. Most aggravating.

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    2. I had that growing up - I'm a Mandy, not Amanda, and I had people assume time and time again that my full name was Amanda. It's gotten better as I've gotten older but it was definitely a pain growing up.

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  7. LMAO at this post. So true and you found a way to capture everything in such a funny way!!

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  8. You post was hilarious. I literally had tears when I was re-reading it out loud to my husband. Here's something interesting I am noticing at my school - random capitals. For example (though not a real name at my school): JeNnifer. WTF am I supposed to do with that? You are supposed to teach little people that capitals only go at the beginning of a sentence or a name and then parents do that stupid crap? Come on now. When I was teaching in a more affluent school we also had a trend for a while where the kids had a somewhat wacky first name and then a normal middle name and so the child would just go by the middle name. Real example: Blue Benjamin. If you wanted the kid to go by Benjamin wouldn't it make more sense to reverse the names if you are really attached to Blue? Come on...

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    1. Yaaay! I LIVE to tickle people I do.

      Ummm... Randon capital letters?! I have never heard of this! Treason! There should be criminal charges for that! No, I say, I SAY NO!

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  9. Bahahaha!!!!! I don't think people actually care about what they are naming their child...they just want to look cool, and make their child cool. It's pathetic. I think it's more in major cities too. I have a friend..... And I'm not kidding who just named their son Chumly. Are you fucking kidding me...Chumly!!!!! I've had my names picked out for forever.....normal, and won't go out of style. I don't think I will be sitting here 10 years from now regretting what I've named my son. People need to get a clue!!!

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    1. Chumly?!?!?! CHUMLY?!??!?!?! No. NONONONONONONOONNO. NO.

      And HEAVEN FORBID if that child grows up to be slightly chubby because the name calling rhymes will write themselves.

      Now you must reveal what these names are..

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  10. I'm with Luna on the thinking the whole thing through, though not quite as humiliating as being a Mr P Ennis, a guy in my school was called Dwayne Pipe. Still cracks me up every time I hear it!!

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  11. Excellent list!

    I might add Don't Be A Pretentious Prick or Cut It Out With the Cutesy Shit to the list. On the pretentious side of things, don't name your kids after characters from 19th century French novels (e.g. D'Artagnan) or Egyptian pharoahs/condoms (Ramses). And then there are the parents who think they're being cute by creating a punny first name/last name combo. I used to process forms for a major bank and I'd come across some really ridiculous names. Princess Dy. Harry Butt. Seriously. I think their parents hated them.

    But it's perfectly ok to name your child after your dog, right? Right???

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    1. OMG La-La land is FULL of pretentious first names from novels and historical figures... Which I have 0.0 problem with except when you see the parents you absolutely know in the core of your being that there's no possible way they actually read that novel/author or had any idea who that historical figure was pre-insemination.

      Yes! lol Iiii like the names Phoebe and Luna, but sadly I can't get Bub on board with either one now that our dogs have stained them with their personalities. (I'm still gonna work on Luna, methinks).

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  12. Hahaha... omg, yeah the bizarre spellings of ordinary names is the worst. Also, I once met a girl named Melena and my doctor-mom informed me that melena is a medical term for bloody poop. So... yeah, double-check that shit, too. I also think that it's somewhat traumatic when your kid can never find their name on those fake license plates or novelty pens or whatever. My name is Vanessa, which you'd think wouldn't be that uncommon, but it was NEVER printed on merch ANYWHERE and made me feel so inconsequential growing up. Always with the fucking Virginias and Veronicas.

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    1. I love Vanessa! They really had Virginia's on things?

      Alllthough last time I was in a shop and looking at novelty things a couple of years ago, some of the names now... it's like.. really? This is so common? I mean you can spell Jaydon 17 different ways and find it on a mug.

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  13. R. and I say that if you have a ridiculous name that you love, that's what cats are for.

    Thanks for the laughs, as always.

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    1. Agreed! I had a cat named Shinobi. Current cat named Mokey after hippie fraggle. Not quite sure I could let a child explain "mokey" to anyone.

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  14. HAHAHA I love your post although I think that I am guilty of this as well.

    I couldnt agree more with the unusually spelled common names!! That drives me up a wall! Also I couldnt agree more with thinking the names through.

    I have to disagree with common names are the only acceptable names. I dont have a common name and it didnt bother me, and it doesnt reallly bother my kid sister either. BUT it did bother my eldest sister. *shrugs*

    Another thing that REALLY irritates me is when people try and theme their children. Like if the man and woman both have R names so ALL of their children have R names. Some themes I can take,.. if done tastefully. My step mother her family named all of their children after rocks. Jade, Coral, Crystal, etc etc It felt a lil worn out

    My DD is Rhyolte Trianna and my DS is Cedric Stratus.
    (C like coin or Cathy not as in S,... not a creative twist a LEGIT alternative way to pronounce it.)

    I dont think that names DOOM children. I do however think that names can be an indication of the type of environment that they are growing up in. Freakenomics talks about it in their movie (available on Netflix)

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    1. Oh and I think that having a slightly unusual name and a "normal" middle alternative is good, it gives children options. Shanti star.....yeah no wiggle room (inspired by hippy movement) and Danaka Marie,.. not so bad

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    2. Oh I'm gonna be SO guilty of giving my kid a seriously unusual name. SO guilty. I have the plain name complex where I will go out of my way to make sure they can't find their name anywhere... Bub, however, is seriously introverted (introverted being the understatement of the century) and has gone his entire life spelling his first (which is actually common just spelled European instead of American) and last name. He is, basically, the only hope my child has of not being named windex.

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    3. And oh! Iiii know someone who gave all 3 of her children the exact same initials. Just because - not that they had any meaning to her. Her youngest two have names so similar it's almost cruel... think "rob" and "bob".

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  15. Think about the initials - both the two and all three! Do they spell something? Then don't do it!

    Also, think about whether or not the name rhymes with anything. I'm sorry but kids are cruel. Can you think up a rhyming taunt for this name? If so, the kids at recess can too.

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    1. I am SO GOOD at the 'what would a bully make of this name' game. Not that I was a bully but I am an adult who enjoys a good rhyme.

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  16. Worst names I have seen in my career:

    ABCDE (prononuced Ab-suh-dee)
    Placenta

    What bugs met is when kid's name don't go together. Like you have a Sarah, Laura, and a Casanova!

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  17. This is an excellent list. The funniest name I have ever heard of is from my friend, who works as a physical therapist for kids.

    La-a was how the kid's name was spelled. My friend was like, "Lah-uh?"

    The mother corrected her- "it's pronounced Ladasha." Oh yes, the mother used a dash and then assumed that people would actually say dash when saying the little girls name.

    WOW.

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    1. HOLY GAWD. Mind just blown.

      I think a good rule of thumb is that punctuation of any kind in a first name should be avoided at all costs.

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  18. Ba ha ha ha! This comes at a perfect time. My cousin is having twin girls and naming them Ariel and Aurora, which is half abnoxious already...Disney Princesses...geeeet iiiit?

    What's disgraceful is how she is spelling them. Behold: Arielle and Arora.

    It's not cute, it's not different. It just looks like doesn't know how to spell.

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    1. Oh. Dear.

      While I'm sure your cousin is a lovely person.. Is there any possibility that those girls won't grow up to be pains in the asses?

      There is NO possible way I could have kids with those names without stuttering each and every time I tried to say their names quickly...

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    2. You and me both. I can't even say Aurora...Arora...whatever...without sounding like I might be yawning.

      And my cousin is not really very lovely. She's a pain in the ass. So here's to HOPING those girls are the same.

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    3. And I spelled obnoxious wrong. That was obnoxious. I blame it on autocorrect wanting to turn it into noxious. And all the misspelled naming. Alright, I'm done. Swear.

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  19. Amen. The names I see on the message boards give me fear for the future of our world. I'd love for the US to impose some control over baby-naming, as is done in other countries. No doubt that would put the ACLU-type folks up in arms, but at least the rest of us would have less to roll our eyes about.

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  20. My husband and I are super-judgmental when it comes to people naming their kids. Almost every name we see, we ask ourselves "What in the hell were they thinking?" I hate the "unique" explanation. If you want your child to be unique, raise them to think for themselves and encourage creativity. A unique name or a common name with a unique spelling is not enough, and it will only cause problems for them as adults (and make it look like you can't spell).

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  21. Any kid we have will have an Indian first name, mainly because Aydyn/Braydyn/Kaydyn (Kyllmenowdyn) & most other 'merican names sound weird with out Indian last name. I suppose I could give the kid an Irish or Brazilian name in honor of my heritage, but that would be a complete clusterfluck. Also, although our last name is phonetic, since it's pretty long people usually just head tilt & smile. So, I have a list of names whose meanings we both like that are 7 letters or under.

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