Sunday, June 30, 2013

Pretty Sure I'm a Witch.

Happy Sunday, Witches of the Womb.

I'm thinking we should start some sort of Coven.. or that maybe we're already in one and we should just kick up our alcohol intake, accessories and general spell-casting.

(I mean think about it... we are a group of women who prefer to stick to one another.  We talk herbs, potions, medications, meditations... We're cyclical creatures who throw ourselves at the altar of fertility. I mean, for chrissakes I own at least three fertility amulets and some fertility candles.  We're a Coven, I say.)

In an Ambien haze, I ordered myself some Roald Dahl books because I love them, and for some reason I no longer seemed to own them. (Ambien = Christmas. I order myself gifts, completely forget that I've done so, arrive home to find surprise packages on my front step.  I am my own Santa.)

Anyhoo.

This weekend it was approximately 10,000 degrees in Los Angeles so I spent the last 48 hours breathing heavily next to a fan, looking at the mess in my house and thinking 'ohhhh, I should probably do something about that but that would require moving' and wishing I had a magic wand.  It's a straight up Tennessee Williams play in my house.  It is hotter than hell and I may have the vapors.

Whilst sweating I re-read Roald Dahl's "The Witches". If you haven't read it (...serrrriously?  I can't even look at you) I'll give you the jist.

There's a secret group of women throughout the world.  They're itchy.  Their feet are uncomfortable. They've inexplicably grown claws.  They regard other people's children in the same way one would dog shit, spend their time trying to lure children and hope to eventually turn them into mice.  They only peel off their masks and itch freely if they're in a room exclusively made up of their fellow witches.

As a child I used to read this book hoping for the downfall of these poor women.  Now I realize these 'witches' are just a rogue pack of misunderstood infertiles hopped up on hormones. And now we're much more dangerous seeing as how since the internet was invented we can find each other by the thousands.

(Source.)

Apart from videos of Corgi's doing basically anything, one of my favorite non-fertility related things on the internet is Humans of New York. I haven't been to New York in years and I obviously don't live there, but honestly... You should follow it on Facebook because it's absolutely fascinating and it is a fantastic, fantastic way to break up all the usual sonogram snipering and "look at what my kids had for lunch!" statuses on Fertilebook.

Basically, this brilliant photographer goes out onto the streets of New York and takes portraits of the people that he finds.  While he's doing so, he usually asks them a question about their life and writes a small 'story' about how they responded.  It sounds simple but it's extraordinary.

This weekend, much to my delight, this photo popped up with the following story:

(Source.)

"What was the saddest moment of your life?"
"Probably when our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage."
"Had you chosen a name?"
"No. But we were given the remains to bring to a laboratory. And we named the jar. We named it 'Formolin,' which is a derivative of the Spanish word for formaldehyde. We both have a very dark sense of humor. It's how we coped."

And thus I was introduced to my favorite picture/story of HONY, ever, which is a hard thing to accomplish.

For one, I love when there's a storyline outside the world of infertility that has to do with miscarriage.  Two, I am obviously in a camp (as are many of us) where I thoroughly believe that having humor about something awful is absolutely necessary.

What was most fascinating about it - and what ate up a good 45 minutes of my time that would've otherwise just been spent sweating - were the comments. Some of them made me happy, some of them pissed me off and most were in between.  I could not stop reading them.

It's as if someone took a little bit of our secret world, our infertile Coven, broadcast it to a few thousand unsuspecting people, and I got to sit there and watch them respond.  Truly. It was, by pure accident, the best, most honest poll of how the average person would respond if they were a victim of some sort of sorcery that immersed them, fully, into our world for just a moment.

A lot of the comments were lovely condolences.

Some of the comments were plucked straight out of the 'what not to say to someone who's had a miscarriage' textbook.  You know, "Everything happens for a reason!", "It just wasn't meant to be!"; "See everybody?  Don't worry about it, because you'll go on to have your family someday!".  At this point I am totally forgiving of saying things like this because I would probably be saying the same things... Though if someone was newly widowed, I would like to think we would all know not to say "Don't worry!  You'll meet someone in the future and it will make up for it!  Everything happens for a reason!"

Some of them were genuinely freaked out by the dark humor... some of them were even so clueless as to why she would even have her fetus in a jar they were bordering on implying she was involved in some sort of dark magic (seriously people.. just a quick Google search would've answered your question).  I obviously immediately understood the humor (and thought it was brilliant) but seeing how eeked out some people were made me a little self conscious that our world was being shared with 'others'... like the muggles were temporarily being exposed to the darker sides of the Harry Potter world... but I kind of get their response.

You know that saying about boiling frogs?  (No seriously - even from a non-witch standpoint it's totally a saying).

If you stick a frog in a boiling pot of water, it will become panicked and jump right out.  If you stick a frog in a pot full of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, it will stay until it's nice and toasty.

So reading the freaked out comments on the photo is a bit like watching a bunch of frogs being put into our pot, and immediately wanting to jump the hell out.

In 2009, when Bub and I decided to start trying, if I had conceived immediately and had two kids by now... I would probably read something like this and my mouth would drop open.

As it actually is, I laughed out loud.

Until you're hurled into the throws of something unimaginably awful like miscarriage or infertility in general, you have no idea what it feels like... and kudos to the commenters who seemed to grasp it despite their inexperience.  I'm in awe of anyone sensitive enough to be good at the 'if I were this person...' game.

At first reading people upset about her dark humor made me feel naked and gave me an urge to explain... but the more I read the more it morphed into feeling smugly proud of myself. (But don't worry - I did, as a helpful PSA, try to inform people the only appropriate response to someone's loss is "that fucking sucks").

It takes an arsenal of witchcraft to keep yourself afloat in a pot of loss. It's a witches brew of herbs, medication, and the most important ingredient of all, in my opinion, is to have a sense of humor. The end result when done properly out of necessity is supernatural strength. The herb known as chuckle is so vitally important and rare, that it should be sought after the instant it becomes available and in whatever form it's available in.  Every True Witch knows that.

So in the end, seeing the opinions of the average fertile (which we all knew) played out through a casual discussion, sparked by a photo and story on HONY's Facebook page, made me feel pretty good.

Naturally, a lot of these frogs couldn't handle the heat of our pot, and were so absolutely shocked that anyone could not only handle it but handle it with humor.  (If you're going to need the strength to survive a boiling, might as well treat it as much like a jacuzzi as you can, when you can).

As for responding to that story with any level of panic - good for you, mere mortals.  May you never understand what she's talking about.  I, however, do.  The world has tried to burn us a million times, and somehow we still thrive. It requires potions and elixirs and monsters I hope you never have to deal with. Girlfriend may have two adorable kids now, but she is forever a sister in my Coven.

And my fellow bitchy-witches are clever and hilarious.  It's just the kind of strength that requires witchcraft.

35 comments:

  1. Definitely a coven ;)

    I totally got the dark humor. We coped through the worst of our treatments and losses with humor at our side.

    "Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." -- Kurt Vonnegut

    Well, less cleaning up if you don't laugh yourself into peeing your pants.

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    1. Omg I LOVE that quote! Somehow I've never heard it. LOVE.

      I myself am a regular pant peer.

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  2. Officially best post of the century. I'd form a casting circle with you anytime. I don't have much eye of newt laying around, but given my current post-BFN blood bath I could scrounge up some "blood of the barren."

    After our latest miscarriage we were sent home with two specimen jars that, due to a hilarious (not really) chain of events were never used. I have them front and center in our downstairs bath cabinet. Because, you know, for next time.

    Have you ever had the pleasure of viewing the 1990 movie version of _The Witches_? It was a total childhood favorite over here. Maybe wearing out that bootlegged VHS version made me infertile? I mean, there has to be a reason...

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    1. Okay that first paragraph made me laugh out loud. Why DON'T we have a casting circle?

      I LOVED that movie when I was little. LOVED. And for some crazy reason it is not one of the gajillion DVDs I own. (I sense an oncoming Ambien-induced shopping spree).

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  3. This explains so much! I feel like a witch a lot of the time. Gotta read that book. And I feel like any humour, dark or otherwise, is pretty much the only thing that's going to get you through something like infertility and loss. I remember when a friend of mine passed away, and my (unbeknownst to me) future husband and I were chatting. He said that he wanted to make a joke, but wasn't sure the timing was right. I begged him to say it, and it started such a cathartic laugh that I obviously remember it to this day. Screw people who can't understand that.

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    1. Agreed... I don't reeaaally understand how a person can't even attempt to grasp that humor is total lifesaver in awful situations. I mean, they should be delighted when someone can muster humor in something awful. I mean, what's the message there - 'don't attempt to make yourself feel better!'

      Now I want to know your husband's joke. ;)

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  4. Oh the movie!!!! Angelica Houston was awesome!

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    1. LOVE that woman. Can't think of one thing she's been in where I didn't LOVE her. (Although Addams Family movies for me take the cake).

      And did you know she was in Captain EO? They started reviving captain EO at Disneyland once Michael Jackson died, I hadn't seen it since I was little.. So Mr. T & I watched and when we realized she was in it we peed our pants in glee.

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  5. The movie was pretty awesome. I never read the book, but I will have to pick it up.

    I couldn't really manage any miscarriage-related dark humor. But, it was definitely a bad idea to sit next to me and expect sensitivity at either of my parents' wakes/funerals. For example: My dad died in 1991 and one of my sisters was on vacation in Florida at the time. Now she lives there. My mom died a few months ago, and again, it was my oldest sister and me onsite, while the middle two were elsewhere. Phone conversation immediately following the news: Me to sister in Florida: Why are you always in Florida when our parents die? Sister in Florida to me: Well, it won't happen again. And we all fell about laughing hysterically as the rehab center staff wondered what we'd been smoking.

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    1. Okay that made me laugh. I'm totally with you - the second I could make light of anything after my Dad died, I did. THE SECOND. Don't understand why anyone would want to begrudge anyone of that.

      You should pick it up! Roald Dahl is amazing. Crazy weird and amazing.

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  6. I totally identify with witches. And, I love Roald Dahl too!

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    1. LOVE HIM. I am somewhat embarrassed I clearly didn't buy any of his books as an adult - pretty sure my Mom still has them. Next up: The BFG.

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  7. I used to be TERRIFIED of the witches. Thanks so much for reminding me of this book! One of my faves. God i Love Roald! I think i may have to reread and giggle over the fact i am clearly a witch too!

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    1. The movie where the Grand High Witch takes off her face! Scary!

      And yes, my love, re-read.. It was so funny I kept reading and thinking 'well wait a minute here... what's so wrong with these women?'

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  8. I just read this 'Humans of New York' post and looked at the photo and commented :
    "I found this suprising at first but actually once I had considered it for just a short while I remembered how we have used humour to cope with some hurrendous fertility situations, and I remember being incredibly appreciative of friends who 'allowed' me to share this coping mechanism rather than for some reason feel ashamed. I am happy that I read this and saw this photo."

    Once again stork you manage to hit on how so many people out there feel. I used to feel very witch-like with the amount of meds I pumped into my body.

    Right ON sister :-D

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    1. Totally.. When I read it it jarred me for a nano-second and then I started laughing.

      And I'm almost POSITIVE we're witches considering all the sci-fi concoctions we put into our body hoping for magical results.

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  9. Oh this analogy is just awesome! I'm pretty sure one of the ingredients on my bottle of Menopur actually reads "Crone Piss." When I injected that puppy, it was a straight-up witch transfusion!! Thank you for this amazing post, your spot-on observations and of course your trademark total effing hilariousness! I keep secretly hoping I'll run into you at a taco truck one of these days. (Cuz it won't be at the gym...I can't do gyms. You are very brave ;) )

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    1. Hahaha.. Yesssss! I mean, we have LITERALLY put nuns pee into our bodies!! How much witchier could we be?

      And what the.. Why don't we run into each other on purpose? Yes, I'm a holy fat terror but a delightful one.

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  10. Long time lurker here, and I needed to delurk for a moment to say how much I appreciate this post. First off, my former roommate has MS and she used to take Ambien regularly to help her sleep, but then she would stay up and internet shop instead. It was seriously the best Christmas ever, even though she didn't remember purchasing most of the gifts.

    Second, last week I read some article about a woman who after IVF treatments decided to live child-free. I then read the comments, and shuttered at their rudeness and insensitivity. *I* found the exercise completely depressing. And while I love HONY, I just couldn't bring myself to read those comments because I knew they would be filled with dumb-dumbs. But your post made me look at it a different way. It's made me see it from a perspective of strength as an infertile and miscarriage sufferer. So I'm going to remember your words and feel smugly proud as well the next time. Thanks.

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    1. Helloooo, lurker! I love lurkey loos.

      I feel the same way about reading comments on things.. I mean the greatest argument against democracy is reading the comments on any given online article.

      But yeah.. I couldn't help myself. And at first some of them made me completely angry, and then it sunk in that all it means is that I'm a badass (and so are you). ;)

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  11. Love this post! I can't believe I never made the connection between infertiles and witches - makes perfect sense!! Thanks for pointing it out. Now I feel extra witch-y and just that much better prepared to face my day :-D

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  12. I love this post. First, because you mentioned Roald Dahl (Can we be best friends?) but also because you seem to explain so well the difference between fertiles and intfertiles without making it sound like teenage angst (I hate them because they will never really understand me).
    From now on, I will imagine myself as a frog chilling in a jacuzzi. Thanks for that.

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  13. My husband and I still refer to our miscarriage as having "misplaced" the baby. For some reason this little play on the loss makes it feel like it isn't so permanent, like one day I will find that baby again because i probably just stuck it in the box with the Christmas ornaments and we will find it again. Pretty sure most people wouldn't think it was so funny. But it helped me cope. Humour is the best mechanism for coping. And I'd love to be in your coven.

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  14. No miscarriage for me, as I have yet to be able to become pregnant. Instead, I often refer to the Debbie Downer line from Saturday Night Live (the episode with Lindsay Lohan where they're all at Disney World--anyone?)..."It's offical...I can't have children." (Cue the laughter and wah, wah, wah of the trombone.) Not so funny when it's true, but for some reason it always make me laugh.

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  15. What in interesting article! Thank you for sharing. Love AnotherDreamer's quote about laughter and tears. Preach!

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  16. Thanks for the HONY link, that's awesome!
    The muggles comparison makes a lot of sense. At least to me though, a typical day at Hogwarts still sounds like more fun than a typical day of infertility...

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  17. Okay I'm now obsessed....I want to now photograph everyone in LA, but would they be as interesting?? I ❤ NYC so much. I try to go every time I go home to Jersey, ugh that city just makes me soooo happy!!!! I love the sense of humor she ha about her miscarriage to...shit whatever gets you though the day!!!!

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  18. It's so true -- when Muggles stumble upon the coven of infertility, it's so shocking to them. I had a couple friends IRL discover my blog by accident and they were like deer in headlights, blinded by all the acronyms and sheer number of times I used the word "vagina" in the context of discussing wands and injections and retrievals. Because it's all so foreign, I could see how these regular folk might be disturbed by how we use humour to survive something as brutal as a miscarriage -- but seriously, what else are we supposed to do? I remember turning 34 on the night I went into the hospital to deal with an ectopic; we had this awesome doctor who, as the clock struck midnight, injected two shots of baby-killing methotrexate in my ass and said, "Happy birthday!" It was kind of amazing.

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  19. I just found your blog and have been catching up on your story. You are such a great writer! I also love Roald Dahl. I remember reading The Witches in third grade and getting goosebumps I was so scared. Good times. I love your sense of humor and will definitely keep reading! :)

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  20. thank you! I am going crazy waiting for a call from the RE with a beta result. (My first time to transfer after soooo many cancelled cycles.) I am a neverous wreck and this made me laugh and laugh. I would love to be a witch. That instead of just telling me at 35 that I have POF and will never have a genetic child (this is a DE cycle), the RE said instead you have POF but you can also fly and do potions, I might be OK with it all.

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  21. I just realized that I read this post on my phone and therefore never commented. (Somehow, from apple products - iPhone, MacBook, etc. - I can't seem to comment on blogspot blogs...) Anyway, just wanted to say, once again, that you are brilliant. Love this.

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  22. A couple things... one you are a witch... I've seen it. Me too, so I'm cool with that ;-) and 2 - I may be blogging again. I don't know, could just be a rumor.

    Love the Mouse.

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  23. Love your writing style and perspective. I think you and Roald Dahl have a similar sense of humor and would have been great friends if he was still alive.

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  24. Hellooooo-- are you okay? Hope so!

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