Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Fangs and Feathers

Greetings, People of Webdom!

I had my first ever acupuncture appointment this morning.  Pause for reaction.

My friend Kali, who is a psychotic ball of the kind of hummingbird energy that is normally reserved for people in the throws of a crack meltdown, started going a few weeks ago to control her stress level.  The day after she came slithering into my house and melted onto a chair proclaiming she was a different person.

It should also be noted that Kali has a severe needle phobia. I can safely say as a witness that most of us would do better dumping a bucket of spiders over our heads, and she's somehow totally cool with the acupuncture poke.

I emailed the lady that de-stressed her for an article for Fertility Authority, and ended up emailing her back & forth just regarding general shenanigans because she was awesome.  SO I went in today.  It was cray cray.

While my body can be super lazy (thank you, dead thyroid) my brain never shuts the fuck up.  It would be counter intuitive for me to believe that someone shoving a needle in my forehead would cause me to relax, but that's what happened.  I am a convert.  If you're in L.A. and looking to give it a try - girlfriend's info is in the Fertility Authority article.

I did not think I could outdo the initial discovery that needles not containing heroin could be hella relaxin' - but I did.  They had a wall of old ass photos as well as magazines, and as a result of looking at the room at just the right angle, I discovered Michael Cera is a vampire, ladies and gents.  This completely explains his skin tone and inability to complete puberty.  My acupuncturist helped me take the photo - you heard it here first.


The cray cray needles also helped me return to my usual self a little bit.

I do not do well on birth control.  All the heavy duty IVF drugs, I'm fine - give me a wee bit of Progesterone or birth control and I turn into a she-beast of the netherworld.

I have what you would call a 'quick wit'. I'm a very, very mellow person (I do not sweat the small stuff) however if you put me on something that makes me sweat the small stuff... 'Quick wit' works against me and becomes 'razor tongue'.  I'm basically a domesticated rattlesnake - it takes a lot to poke me, but when I'm poked I bite.  Hard. A couple of times this week my mouth/hands worked faster than I would have liked them to, and at least one person got bit.  I felt terrible about it afterwards, so I'm thrilled to pieces that a delightful woman armed with needles and an ability to deal with my saying "I have a needle in my fucking face! What am I doing?!" has helped.

Enough of that - on to lose some followers.


This morning, as per usual, I groggily rolled over and dicked around on my phone in bed.  Turns out that quite literally, I woke up in a better state and world in general than the one I went to sleep in.

DOMA and Prop 8 were turned over, and I am so happy that I could explode into an epic mushroom cloud of glitter and feathers and unicorn farts.

DOMA - the Defense of Marriage Act - was a federal law barring the U.S. Federal government from recognizing gay marriages legalized by states.  So yesterday, when it stood, even if you had been legally married elsewhere, you couldn't leave your spouse money or assets in your will without that spouse having to pay huge inheritance taxes. You couldn't jointly file taxes, receive social security benefits as a couple or tax breaks for workplace health coverage. If you were a legal citizen, you couldn't sponsor your spouse for a green card. (An example of that would be this heartbreaking video over here).  Today, hallelujah, you can do all these things.

Prop 8 was the horrendous bill my usually much more progressive state voted on, not allowing gay marriage. As a result of being ruled unconstitutional, California couples should be able to be married here within 25 days.

And wouldn't you know it, I woke up in a world with more equal rights and somehow - amazing! - my heterosexual marriage still seems to be intact.  Bubba didn't disappear into thin air, our marriage license wasn't made void, our house didn't burst into flames or whatever the fuck else was supposed to happen.



If any change did occur? My marriage is better this morning because it's not being soiled and shat upon by being used as a platform to discriminate against others.  It's not being used as an arguing point for pure fucking evil - it's a little bit more mine and a little less political tool.

As always, I'm genuinely disgusted by the arguments against it.  My Mom is 100,000% Mexican and my Dad was white - had they been born a smidge earlier than they were, it would've been illegal for them to marry.  And back then people were holding up Bible verses and shouting about how it was the beginning of the end, too.


If you're that worried about the sex life of two consenting adults that have nothing to do with you, I really, really don't think you're screwing correctly. Maybe instead of typing angry Facebook statuses you should be using your hands to google "what is a clitoris?"

As grossed out as I am by any of the arguments there is one that tickles me.. The bestiality argument - that's my favorite!

First of all, we should all be concerned that so many 'happily married' heteros jump so quickly to man-on-chicken sex.  It's alarming.

Second of all - I totes agree with this argument!  Everyone knows that women's suffrage led to an epidemic of hamsters voting.

Some people are claiming they are upset because since Prop 8 was overturned, obviously the state of California just doesn't care about voting anymore.

First, we should never have the right to vote on whether or not another human being should have equal rights simply because we disagree with them.  It shouldn't have been put up to a vote in the first place - as reiterated today, it's an infringement on our constitutional rights. There's nothing in our constitution that says I or anyone is a second class citizen, and other people get to vote on whether or not I have a right to be married to Bub.  If we get to vote on who gets to be married based on who's sex life grosses me out?  A lot of heteros are being voted off of sex island.

Second, if we left the matter of equal rights up to the general population, if we sat around waiting for people to come to a majority agreement on whether people not like them are in fact people at all, a big part of this country would still be using separate water fountains.  I'm sorry it's taking some people a long time to figure out that someone unlike them still gets to have the rights that they enjoy - you take all the time in the world you need to figure that out, it is your right as a citizen to be a bigot, but we're just going to go ahead and afford people rights in the meantime.

And by the way, I dislike bigots on account of their opinions - not their race, religion, sex or sexual orientation.  If we're going to dislike people, we should give them the opportunity to be an asshole, first (and asshole is an equal opportunity employer). If someone tried to strip an asshole of their basic rights?  I'd also be rioting.

Isn't the opposition usually full of people who do not want government poking their noses in everyone's business?  Just so I have the priorities straight... Soooo, government should let me die of a treatable disease because to concern themselves would be meddling, but yes, absolutely, get in my bedroom and tell me who I should be sleeping with and/or falling in love with. Totes.

On a personal note?  The main argument against gay marriage made in legal cases is that they don't procreate.

Fuck off.

Neither can I.  How long do I get to try before my marriage is considered null and void?  (And as a sidenote, I really think the 'uptick' in homosexuality is probably mother nature's way of balancing out the fact that there are morons who think that despite depleted resources they should be churning out as many babies as nature allows.).

I know I'm not religious.. but no.  Do not hold up verses as an excuse to make decisions about the personal lives of others.  If you think it's wrong - don't marry someone of the same sex.  Simple as that.  And unless you have never had a haircut, don't believe in autopsies, are free of tattoos and/or have sold your daughter for a certain number of cows (and made sure to eat all your sacrifices within 3 days), don't even bring it up.  Do not.

And how flimsy does your marriage have to be to think that it's less sacred if someone else is married too?  Spend your time worrying about your own marriage, please.

(Source).

I'm happy today.

Happy that my marriage is being used a little less to discriminate against my friends, happy that justice is slowly and surely prevailing, happy that people are closer to being treated equally because they are equal. Whether you're a delightful gay, a feather shitting unicorn, a bigot or a carnie with man hands - you should have the same basic human rights.

The people that are a little better than others?  It's not because of race, it's not because of sex, it's not because of sexual orientation - it's because of their capability to love.

Try siding with love sometime, you'll be less miserable.  Take it from a domesticated rattlesnake.

35 comments:

  1. I big puffy heart this post <3

    I had a Native American blanket ceremony performed by a (gasp) homosexual. If gays make marriage less valid, I am swimming in invalidation ;) Oh, and we're in a state where gays can't marry. So he is legally ordained by the state to perform weddings, but he himself can not get married. WTF, right?

    Anyway, happy with the ruling today and I love your post!

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    1. Heathen. Heathen! Your marriage is dripping with homosexual sin!

      Never even thought about that.. The irony that they're allowed to perform weddings but not to have one of their own. So gross.

      But we're one step closer!

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  2. AWESOME POST! It is indeed a very happy day. :)

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  3. It was a very good day. I can finally stop being embarrassed by California passing Prop 8 in the first place.
    So glad you enjoyed acupuncture. Honestly, I don't know how much it did for my fertility but it was always the most amazingly relaxing hour of my week. I, too, have a terrible needle phobia but somehow those needles don't usually bother me once they're in (I still get a little nervous while she is putting them in). I actually miss it now that I am away from home and can't go for a couple months.

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    1. It was weirdly, weirdly relaxing... totally counter-intuitive.

      when the mother eff are you getting back?

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  4. This is utterly fantastic news for the US and the world!! I am so glad that things might be righting themselves for everyone to have the right to marry whoever the fuck they like. I could not believe the arguments that come against gay marriage, sure the 'they don't reproduce' one is a classic, (and let's not get me started on how two gay men are as able to have a baby on their own as wombless me yet i can marry and they can't?!!When does my marriage start diminishing other fertile marriages because of the way i happened to be born! GRRR!!) but that men will start fucking chickens argument? Do you think these people have ever listened to themselves?!? What fucking fucktards (thanks for the word reminder Sunny!)
    The world is indeed a better place!!

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    1. It was... amazing. Totally went to bed in one world and woke up in a better one. One of the rare times I enjoy being on a slightly-behind world clock because I woke up and that shit was DONE.

      Yeah... I always wondered, at what point do I have to get divorced because I can't procreate easily? Asshats. I have to go through the exact same procedures that a lesbian couple would, and yet somehow I'm legally allowed to be married, and they're not because they have to have that procedure to make babies? So unbelievably dumb.

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  5. Omg you have to watch this!!!

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCkQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJ6_GSwTi_nY&ei=qPzLUbPLFYH48wSfqIDACw&usg=AFQjCNGDE_h8Ns-FMK-G5ew-fG1FCa4C4w

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    1. Hahahaha omg I love Kristen Wiig so much...

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  6. This is perfect! I couldn't have said it better. The argument about Gays not being able to procreate irks every fiber of my being. Not only because I also can't seem to procreate but because if procreating is the test to justify why and who should marry then I don't want to live anymore. It's a sad state of affairs when we stop worrying about raising kids in a good happy environment and instead worry about who's hoo-ha pushed the baby out.

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    1. Agreed. I was just talking about that with Mr. T... That the percentage of women going through infertility who are anti-gay rights is SUPER close to zero (because technically, they're our infertile homies, you know).

      Not to mention it KILLS me that these 'anti-gay' people usually have children. Unbelievable message to send to your kids.

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  7. CONGRATULATIONS!! I am so happy, for all Americans that SCOTUS has finally smacked down the idiocy that was DOMA. I live in Ontario where the first gay couple to get married has just celebrated their 10th anniversary. It is shocking to me that it took our country so long to get it right, never mind yours. My own marriage, between me and a Jew, has not been affected in anyway by the same-sex marriages that run rampant in our country. What do you know.

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    1. For whatever reason we have a group of people who are convinced that not only do they have a direct line to gawd (that they can interpret such an old book as such is mind boggling, nevermind half of them I wouldn't expect to be able to interpret a phone book) and for some ridiculous reason contrary to all fact that we're a religion-run country. Dummies.

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  8. Great post. One of my closest friends was married in Iowa last year but they live in Kansas so it isn't legal where they live. One love...

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    1. That's bizarre to me... So you could technically fly across the country, and during the course of a 5 hour flight be married, unmarried, married, unmarried...

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  9. Yes, just yes.

    And, I WISH we were twins. I'd love to share your 'quick wit/razor tongue' gene. I tend to think things through with the speed of a sloth (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES32UFlPOUA). Then I fantasize about recreating the situation so I can use the brilliant comeback that I only thought of hours later...a la George Costanza (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KmTTy_MM5w).

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    1. Hahaha... No you don't! It's a curse, I tell you! Okay mostly it's kind of fun but on occasion it's a curse...

      And I DIE with the sloth. DIE.

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  10. p.s. Welcome back. You were missed. And Congratulations on the Fertility Authority gig! But I'm glad you're still writing on the platform where you can use the word 'fuck' with reckless abandon...

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    1. ABSOLUTELY. I couldn't give up a place where I can be unedited..

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  11. All I have to say is that let people marry whomever they choose. I have better things to worry about than being in the middle of someone else's marriage. Equal rights means equal rights!

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  12. I woke up THRILLED Wednesday morning! Prop8, DOMA, and the Texxas abortion filibuster? Rock on!!

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    1. It was a BIG day.. And girlfriend Wendy I can only hope is someplace right now getting a foot rub and having drinks bought for her...

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  13. Love this post. Finally California's can be a little less embarrassed. The whole constitutional thing is so hypicrical. When it comes to gun laws they are all for it, but when it comes to civil rights forget about it...lame!!!!

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    1. It's SO hypocritical. Either you respect the constitution or you don't, you don't get to pick and choose. (Same thing with the freaking Bible - if you're going to use your personal interpretation as a 'reason', then you best not have ever gotten a haircut or a tattoo).

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    2. Holy crap....that's too funny!!!

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  14. I tried acupuncture a few years ago for fertility, and I swear I saw little spermies swimming around when I closed my eyelids. May the sperms be with you!

    And, hooray for love! It was a happy way to start the day. Now hopefully our politicians can find something more important to bicker about.

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    1. YES. And honestly even though I'm a hardcore democrat, I think the Republican party would actually gain quite a lot of support if they just knocked alll of their equal rights shit off and started focusing on money. (Like, quit messing with women and gays, okay? Just stop.)

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  15. Omg just DIED at the Michael Cera comparison! SO ACCURATE AND EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

    Also, I think my fave status update of the day was Mr. Takei's on FB when he posted that the so-called losers in the DOMA vote actually lost NOTHING. It doesn't affect them in ANY WAY (see Subway sandwich quote above). Also, I kiss my cat a lot. Like, a LOT. Does that count as bestiality?

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    1. I saw that, and LOVED it! So true! It was someones tweet that said something along the lines of 'Let's all take a moment to think about our opponents, who have lost NOTHING'. Poor babies.

      And I DIED when I saw that picture.. What are the freaking chances? It explains.. oh so much.. as he is an eternal man-boy.

      And yes. Yes you are officially into bestiality.

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  16. "If we get to vote on who gets to be married based on who's sex life grosses me out? A lot of heteros are being voted off of sex island." Oh good g-d yes!

    This post makes be beyond happy and I'm thrilled that I've found your blog. I've ready it from the first post to now, and I must say that you've quickly become one of my favorite bloggers <3

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    1. Yaaaaay! I love me some new readers!

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  17. Stork should be everyone's favorite blogger, with or without fully functioning lady bits :) Love this post! It's a happy day in the world!

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  18. I loved hearing this news! Thanks for explaining it all perfectly! The procreation part gets me all the time. I actually had an (ex) friend say this to me. While she knew I was going through IF. Talk about a sucker punch.

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