Monday, February 24, 2014

Dispatches from Coocoo

Greetings, blogosphere!

Just wanted to pop in and say howdoyoudo... Need to get back into the swing of writing, so I first wanted to dip my toe in the water to say hey in a sudden and possibly alarming fashion.


Going to be talking about pregnancy in this one, so feel free to skip if you need to.

We good? k.

I shall be 16 weeks along with Heisenberg on Wednesday.

Also? Heisenberg is a SHE-BEAST!

While she may be a lady, she shall still be known as Heisenberg as she is clearly a fucking badass (although a friend on Twitter suggested 'Heisenbroad' which made me die a thousand deaths).

The short story is I haven't been on here because I went a little bit coocoo.

By coocoo, I mean the midpoint between 'oh that Stork and her antics, she's silly' and 'holy Christ on a cracker somebody call someone with a giant butterfly net'... maybe a little closer to butterfly net.

I will admit I previously thought that when infertiles got pregnant and then were all nervous and nutso? That it was melodramatic bullshit.

Not so, friends, not so.

Infertility is a fucking survival game. You do what you have to do to get by.  My MO is to make jokes, numb myself out, soldier on like a good little soldier.

And here's the thing, folks... infertility or not, when you put off feeling things you're not getting rid of them - you're just guaranteeing you have to pay for them later. With interest.

Pretty much every day in my first trimester I was convinced something terrible had happened. Not 'oh that would suck, I wonder if something's wrong' but 'something is WRONG'.

I'd randomly get completely overtaken by anxiety that was seemingly not even related to Heisenberg.  Like, getting out of my house and suddenly crippled in fear that the stove was on when I hadn't used the stove in a few days. Wondering if someone was breaking into my house when I wasn't there.

Why? I suppose because you get used to happiness eluding you that when it finally shows up wanting to be a part of your life, your first thought is to figure out what kind of con this is.

I was constantly, cripplingly, 1,000% terrified of getting attached to the idea of a happy ending.

Best way I can describe it... You know that game where you put your hands straight out, and your opponent puts their hands a few inches below yours, and they have to try to slap your hands before you can pull away?

Okay so the process of trying to have a baby when you're infertile is like getting slapped constantly.  Like a never ending fucking slap fest where your fingers get raw and bloody, and eventually you get used to it.  You're constantly taking punches. If you try = you get slapped.

Getting pregnant at the end of infertility is like putting your hands out never having known anything other than slapping, and your opponent just sits there mind fucking you with their eyes. If this one time you can make it 5 minutes without a slap (even though you've never made it 5 seconds without one) the abuse will stop and you can heal. With each passing second, you're more and more afraid of that slap because it's going to scare you, hurt you, make you feel stupid on a level that you're just never going to be able to recover from.  So while before you were physically getting slapped, now it's psychological warfare which makes you flinch and cringe more than you ever did.  Because this slap?  This slap could be worse than all the rest - your opponent could just be winding up for this one, with every passing second a little more inertia added to it.

A specific example of coocoo level? I was checking so vigorously for blood that wasn't there that I would make myself - in a tiny way - bleed.  Not healthy.

I'm starting to feel better. I'm thinking it's a combination of the Maternity21 testing coming back (which I only had on account of my being adopted) lovely, getting a fetal doppler so I can find her when I want, and knowing that prior to this happening to me, when another infertile reached 16 weeks of pregnancy I thought 'oh okay, she's really pregnant. A baby is going to come of this.'

So for the most part I am more relaxed... a few paces further away from the butterfly net. Just a few paces.

Don't get me wrong, in a moment of relaxation panic can still find me...


but it's a little less alarming than it was a week or two ago.


So I'm dipping my toe back into the world.

Hello, world.


  1. Yay for 16 weeks! And for being a bit more sane. The farther along you get you get a bit more confident (although the fact that i was going to have a baby didn't hit me until i was getting wheeled in for my c-section).

  2. I like to think that your update comes from me harassing you on BabyCenter. :) I totally get you on the coocoo factor. I'm pretty sure we all go through it so some degree. And like the previous post said, the further you get the more confident you get, but the panic is never far away. Congrats on the vagina by the way. Still to be determined if it's a she, right? ;)

  3. Love the analogy! Yes, it can be like that. For me it was really intense since we had been through losses, but yes... all of that. Some people are all calm and just have faith, but I think by far most of us are just waiting for the next slap. I get it. I'm so glad all is well though and WOW... 16 weeks. You are doing fantastic.

  4. I know this feeling all to well. You speak such truth. I'm sorry you are having such panic. It's so fucked up what we feel once it all happens, and it is happening, and yes that baby girl is coming. I remember counting the weeks before they got here. Everyone always would say how fast their pregnancy went, well I felt like it at a snails pace, because I wanted it over and all I cared about was my baby boy being born. Even though he came early I was somewhat relieved that he was, because it was over... The pregnancy was over and he was finally here. Once she starts moving you feel so much excitement, and some fear but mostly excitement. You're doing're doing're doing great. You my friend are already a mom!!!!!

  5. Its nice to see you back. "Nervous and nutso" is a great description for it. While its true I still have my moments, I'm pleased to say they become fewer and further between as the weeks roll by. 16 weeks! Heisen-baby-girl will be here before you know it.

  6. You described that stage of pregnancy so perfectly! That is EXACTLY what it is like! I'm sitting here at 35 weeks, and I can tell you that for me, the anxiety has mostly passed, and has turned into, HOLY CRAP my baby will be here really soon, what the fuck am I going to do with him!

  7. You're describing for real anxiety which I have. I'm glad it's getting better for you. It will get better, and then worse, and then better, and then worse, etc. But you're sooooo close to feeling She-berg move! That's the best. So reassuring. It's like carrying the fetal doppler with you all the time. And then She-berg will take a nap and you'll flip but it will be ok.
    Congratulations on your badass little girl. I was so glad to see you posting again! Keep on keeping on, lady! Feel free to post things like, "My oven might be on. 17w2d." We'll all understand.

  8. Welcome back! The is the PERFECT analogy to pregnancy after infertility, or I should say "life after infertility"! Definitely felt that, and still do some days...and my baby is 8 months old. I guess it never goes away (always waiting for the other shoe to drop).

    I can't believe you are 16 wks already! WOOHOO!

  9. First congrats on 16 weeks!

    And second you are freaking hilarious and I have missed the sarcasm! The hand slap analogy is just perfection and I am going to save this to explain it to people this way.

  10. Glad to hear an update from you! You have described the disbelief that this good thing is really, actually happening just perfectly! It just feels too good to be true and every time I start to feel "safe" I hear a story of someone who lost their baby at 18 weeks or 24 weeks etc. I think the best you can do is realize that at this point in the pregnancy you have the same odds as a normal fertile person to get that baby at the end and that is as good as it gets.
    We started to collect baby furniture and assembled a crib last weekend and the whole time in the back of my mind I was thinking "is this too soon? Is this a terrible idea?"
    Congrats on having a she-beast! I can't tell you how excited I am that I'm having a she-beast too!!

  11. I totally get this. Each appt. with my OB I keep telling them that the paranoia of a dead baby inside of me is getting to me. Each high risk OB then says, "After going over your chart I can understand your fears.".

  12. Hello lady! Hello Heisenbroad ;)

  13. Good to hear you are doing well and the panic is going down even a little bit! Any little bit is a victory xo

  14. So glad you're still okay, physically at least :) So much magical thinking goes into pregnancy after's hard to imagine that feeling positive won't harm the baby. Thinking good thoughts for an uneventful 2nd trimester.

  15. I completely understand how you are feeling...I did not enjoy one second of my pregnancy because I was so certain something terrible was about to happen. But, alas, I had two healthy babies! Just take it week by week. It really helped me to keep a "count-down" of the weeks and treat myself to something each time I hit a new week in the pregnancy. Will be cheering you and your she-beast on!

  16. WOW!! Congrats!!! So excited for you!!!

  17. It really is a mindfuck, isn't it? I still have a hard time always believing that good and happy things are happening to me. You just get so used to the bad. I have to remind myself that these tiny humans are mine. Plus, I don't really feel like I belong with the fertile moms so I am still struggling to find my place. I seriously need an infertile mommy group.
    Congrats on 16 weeks! Welcome back.

  18. Glad to hear that things are calming down a little - hormones don't help the anxiety. But yay for Heisenberg!

  19. Such a great idea - lets start a recovering infertiles mommy group. I get what you're going should tame down around week 36? I really enoyed pregnancy from week 36 on. ;) But really, you are through the worst part. Now just take it easy and milk the foot rubs, mama!

  20. I can only speak from personal experience, but as freaked out as I was while pregnant with Ginny, it only got worse when I was expecting Pippin. Maybe it was leftovers from my PPD after Ginny was born, maybe it was because I was just that much closer to 40, most likely it was just my own screwed up neurosis... but that last pregnancy was a rollercoaster from beginning to end. I'm super thankful that we got the two we hoped for, and then we put a permanent kibosh on any future baby-making. I have had minor pregnancy scares since (total mind games) that have brought on panic attacks and what I can only imagine is some sort of PTSD type of response. Pregnancy after infertility isn't easy. The good news is, when it's over, it is possible to move forward. And fear does fade...

  21. Congrats on 16 weeks!! Glad to hear you're doing well, it's nice to see you back! Anxiety is normal, but it's good that it's getting better. Now that you know you're having a girl (Heisenbroad - love it!) you can start thinking of names, if you haven't picked one yet. Exciting stuff! Take care and enjoy the experience as much as you can :)

  22. Yeah for 16 weeks! What a perfect analogy!

  23. Yay for 16 weeks and yay for sanity!! I just love that picture of the dog!! So perfect!

  24. I just wanted to introduce myself; My name is Darla. I've kept a bit to myself, all while reading through so many great blogs. But I've decided it's time to stop hiding and get out there!

    Your analogy was spot on! It really is like playing that awful game and never missing getting slapped. And I love that you said that we're afraid to get too comfortable for fear of getting hurt and feeling stupid. I actually told my husband after our MC at 9 weeks, that I felt sheepish going back to see the RE. Almost like I'd gotten too cocky at my 8 wk ultrasound when I told them all goodbye. "I'll bring the baby in to show you, etc." My point just is, we really are all the same. We go through the same pain month after month, year after year and it sucks that we don't get to enjoy a 9 month pregnancy. I do hope that as time goes on, you are able to relax and revel in it all! Congrats on 16 plus weeks!

  25. Yeah, I recognize those feelings. I haven't bought anything for my babies(twins) untill 33 weeks. And then, I only started to move and organize things after someone brought me some baby staff as a present. It was so liberating and healing to finally start to believe they are truly coming. But I surely had a cold feet in the end, I could keep them baking a little longer(like even for a day or two), but I coudn't wait even one more day! I wish you good luck! Congratulations!

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