Monday, February 25, 2013

The Shine

It is Monday, my little bambinas.

And a Monday it is.

Bubba Gump has been in workaholic mode the past few weeks, working 6 days a week, crazy hours in preparation for south by southwest in Texas in a couple weeks.  He has coincidentally contracted what appears to be some strain of plague so I have only seen him conscious and awake but a handful of times the last couple of weeks, most of which he has spent making some seriously disgusting noises and trying to cough the black death onto me.  So far I have managed with only a minor headache, for once in this life his seriously hungry-for-power-and-domination German immune system has not made mine it's bitch.

I have dragged my ass to the gym every day most of the last week. Mr. T and I even shimmied and did the chicken dance at a dance class with old ladies and gays.  Yesterday, on Bub's one day off, I managed to convince him to take me and the fur children on a walk.  Me, him, Phoebe, and Luna - who wore a parka on account of being the only husky in the history of ever to shiver if it's below 65 degrees.  So far I find that I hate exercise for the first 10 minutes, find that whining and complaining make me feel better (others be damned) and then I'm fine.  Perhaps one day I will work my walking up to a slow jog provided someone chase me wearing a bear suit.

Also, I have actual magical powers.  A touch of the shine, if you will.  I knock people up.

What?  Yes.  Your problems are solved.

I send my irresponsible half-sister sheets for a delayed wedding gift, and she is impregnated in said sheets within a week.

The one time I ever bothered to set anyone up, they got married, and despite the fact that the woman in question, though I love her, is a rancid bitch, they had a child last May. (So technically I've created a child... it's just not mine).

My one non-blog related infertile fix up, I took the girl for pancakes and she was pregnant within two weeks.

And Sunny, the only one I am happy about, I'm convinced I took part in knocking you up by forcing you to watch Sinister.

So my methods are apparently sheet gifting, blind dates, pancakes, and horror movie rape. Line up kids, I'm more talented and better smelling than spooj.

My feeling on this ability, lovely blog friend aside, cannot be expressed with words but rather through the majesty of goatsong.

I am going to admit, openly, that I am about to be unreasonable.  That should make you feel better.

I am in total awe and wildly impressed by chicks that when they get pregnant, put something in their announcement about how their pregnancy was NOT conceived with a bottle of tequila and the mistaken use of a balloon animal for a condom, but through struggle.  (Mrs. Griswold you rock my socks off).

I genuinely don't know if I would do a Facebook announcement, I think I will.  I genuinely don't know if I will put something in said possible Facebook announcement about my struggle involved with conceiving.  I'm not usually a chicken shit, but the idea of sharing my struggle with people does make me quake in my boots a little bit.  ( I have no idea WHY, the only reason I can think of is that my 'friends' list is partially made up of people I don't really know.. but this is not an excuse).  Should I get pregnant, I'm going to have to get over myself and put a little something in the announcement - jokey as it may be - about it not being easy-pacheezy.

Because fuck me, in the sea of pregnancy announcements that have occurred on Facebook the last couple of months - no shit, HALF of them are twins.

Now, not to be skeptical - as twins, triplets, etc. obviously occur in nature - but c'mon.  Can we not do a shout out to fertility meds?  Just a wink and a smile?

Of the... let's say 10... twin announcements since Christmas, I can open my mind to say that two of those may be natural, and I feel I'm being liberal here.

Short of some Groupon for a very particular brand of witchcraft and/or wizardry that I clearly would've been first in line for, no.  NO I SAY.

To assume all 10 are natural...  It's to assume the girl that looked liked two tylenols on top of an ironing board that shows up at your high school reunion with watermelons acquired them naturally.  It's to assume that Courtney Cox's eyebrows at the age of 45 just started naturally fleeing upwards from the rest of her face.  It's to assume that Michael Jackson was solely a victim of a skin condition, it's to assume John Travolta's skin has just of it's own accord decided to try to strangle his skull, it's to assume that Tyra Banks got into Harvard business school strictly on merit.

I am not one for holding anyone's uterus (uteri?  Uteresus... look at that beautiful herd of... uterus.  We'll go with uterus) to psychotic standards or any standards for that matter, but I can't help but feel a wee bit disappointed that not one of these people mentioned anything.  Not that they have to, not that they should, it just would've been.... impressive.

Because if it's all natural, there's some serious magic shit going on on the east coast and we should all be fleeing there by the dozen.

And speaking of the Shining, I can tell my period is afoot because it is the only time I crave chocolate by the metric ton.  (And in the spooky shining vein, I have inexplicably the last couple of months, for the first time in the 22 (!) years since I got my first period, had regular cycles).  So off I go to CVS to attempt to find some slightly innocent version of chocolate.

The one shining moment I have to look forward to this evening is The Bachelor (I know, I know - I'm hideous, don't look at me.)

Do you know that the oh-so-boring, completely vanilla (without so much as a hint of interesting to upgrade him to french vanilla) bachelor is a born again virgin?  Can someone explain this to me?

Because if in addition to knocking people up, within the arsenal of my magical powers I could wake up every morning and re-grow my own hymen, I feel like this is something I should be looking into.  You know, just to mix things up.


  1. Oh I love your posts!!! Good job on the workouts m'dear. You are so sweet for the shout out. You rock my socks off too, darling. I have to say...100% of the people I tell that we are pregnant with twins ask if it runs in our family. C'mon people. I quickly tell them that they do run in the family but we can thank the infertility gods for our set. They are 100% the result of our infertility treatment. Most of the time people then get awkward and try to change the subject. A few people have inquired more and I prefer that. The awkward people make me made because they make me feel like it is something to be ashamed of...and it's not...not even one bit.

    1. *make me mad....not make me made.

    2. Awkward people are the worst. And yet at this particular moment in my life, I get the most pleasure out of making them feel so. ;)

  2. WHY HAVE YOU DISAPPEARED FROM MY LIFE???? It's just not the same without you!

    Also, do you have matchmaking capabilities akin to those of getting people pregnant? I could totally use a little bit of that over here on the left coast.


    1. I know, I know! I have been hiding in a black hole like abyss and that isn't even a euphemism for vagina.

      You know I am personally on call to weed through all pictures of possible men.

    2. Glad to hear you aren't hiding in someone's vagina. That really wouldn't help your baby making situation :)

      As soon as I find another man worth analyzing I will send you his pictures :)

  3. Oh I so love the "twins run in the faaamily" thing, especially when you know for a fact they were IUI'ing hardcore. I didn't get invited to a party from said couple and I started going around saying I was kept off the list since I'm probably referred to as the "evil IVF girl." Whatevs, I'll wear the title proudly.

  4. I have to admit I get pretty mad when people lie about infertility, because it just adds to the misconception that there's something wrong or shameful about it. Eff that noise! You don't have to tell everyone what's going on in your ute, but maybe if more people were honest about it we wouldn't still have idiots marching around telling us to "just relax" or stick our asses in the air for 20 minutes after sex.

    Also, I watched that goat thing about a thousand times last week. Screw Argo...Goats Yelling Like Humans for Best Picture!

  5. I wasn't originally going to announce anything on Facebook but then decided that I wanted to. This is what I ended up writing as my "announcement" status:

    "After years of the heartache of infertility (and many many invasive tests and procedures) Terry and I are thrilled to be expecting twins in June! If you'd like more details, please message me. And to anyone reading this who is also going through infertility, I'd be happy to talk to you. It can be such a lonely place to be and I will gladly share our story and walk through this experience with you."

    I just couldn't do an announcement without acknowledging the struggle. Hope you get to make a similar announcement soon!

  6. Bravo on going to the gym, on getting your period, and eating chocolate.

    I did not do an announcement, but plan on doing one after he is born. Everyone is different, maybe I am robbing myself of it all. I plan on making a blog post about it on my baking/life blog about our struggle and this I always post on Facebook....shall see.

    I have to agree why would you not just be up front and honest about it. I tell everyone I conceived through shame what so ever. I was at a baby shower yesterday and a bunch of us were sitting at the table. My one friend was saying how happy she was for me and started crying because she knew my struggle...I was so touched. I think it made the other girls at the table uncomfortable because we were talking so openly...whatever!!!! It didn't make me feel weird in anyway...but I could tell they were trying to find a way to leave the table....hahaha. Now that most of my clients know I'm pregnant I've told every single one of them I got pregnant through IVF...I love to use the word science....I got pregnant through science. And with out science I would not be with child.

  7. I've missed your posts oh so much!! I don't know how many times we are asked if twins run in the family. I smile and usually say something snarky about infertility. I so much hope you get to make that announcement soon!

  8. I didn't announce on FB until I was in the hospital. And no I never posted about my particular struggle, however, with all the infertility awareness and resolve stuff on my page, my guess is most people know. I know when you get to make your announcement you will have a witty post I will be enormously jealous of because your skill with words never fails to bring a smile to my face. I'm sorry the Bub has been sick, but good for you for getting on the get fit train! I have missed your writing and admit to stalking your FB page just to see a bit of your wit....

    I love you dear and June is only 3 months and 3 days away! I can't wait for things to move forward for you.

  9. I think if I decide to do a facebook announcement it would definitely acknowledge IVF and the struggle to get there. I haven't exactly been open about IF and our treatments with many people but I won't be shy about letting them know I conceived through IVF after the fact.

    Good job on the workouts!

  10. I'm probably one of the 10 people in the US that does not have a facebook page so I don't have to worry about that but you can send some of that magic preggo juice you got my way! You are freakin hilarious, how did I not run across your blog sooner?

  11. That video is the best thing ever (even if they did mix some sheep in with the goats).

    I didn't do a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, but both my husband and I have been very open in telling people that we were undergoing fertility treatments. I believe he even mentioned it on his Facebook page. I've considered writing up a note about it on FB for Infertility Awareness Week and may still do that. But I generally don't like to get too deep down and personal on FB because it kind of makes me cringe when I see others do it. I don't want to be the "too much information" friend. :\

  12. Not to be insensitive or nothin'... but where the frak do I sign up for your magical pregnancy vibes?

    Joking aside, hell to the yes with the FB crap. It's part of the whole problem w/ social media - we only post the happy things, which makes it seem like everybody's living this perfect life except for me.

  13. I am no good at hiding things. Most people who know me well know what we are going through. I don't talk about it on FB at the moment as it all feels raw and private while we are in the middle of it but I plan on making sure everyone knows when I do pop a sprog that it was a wanted and scientifically created baby. I want one of the onsies that say 'Made with Love and Science'.

  14. Had to share the goats screaming with my spouse. Just what he needed today. I can sort of understand why women aren't more forthcoming about conception of their special twins. I know that there are a few I won't be telling about how I get pregnant other than it was a miracle.

  15. Wow, I love your post. I'm at work (and so shouldn't be reading this!) and don't have time to comment fully, but I'll just say that your post made me laugh, contemplate, and plan (a trip to the gym). Pretty good for one post!

  16. Sinister was the last. I repeat. The last film I saw in the theater before getting knocked up. I am constantly replaying my bitch screams into your arm! Your arm is a potent fertility aid my friend! Thank you for the shout out and the happiness for me. I cannot wait until I share the joy with you when your spawn occupies your ute.

  17. HA!!!!! Thank you - I needed to crack up today. :-)

  18. "Because if it's all natural, there's some serious magic shit going on on the east coast and we should all be fleeing there by the dozen."

    Yeah, no. Still infertile here on the east coast! Oh & I totally side eye anyone who gets twins now too.

    And FWIW there are fraternal twins on both sides of my family (my paternal grandma is a twin & my mom's youngest siblings are twins) but we're now in year 5 of begging, "Just 1. For the love of all that is holy, please, just 1!" but The Big Guy apparently needs to change the battery in his hearing aid.

  19. Oh my gosh I love your posts! I am definitely stealing that goat video. I have a beta tomorrow and I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

  20. Lady, have you seen the video that mixes the goats screaming, into Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer video? it makes me so happy. I'd put a link to it here but I am shit at that stuff. It was on the news tonight. Not much happening in Australia, then. Clearly.

    I told my husband that if we have IVF twins, I want to call them Fernando and Emilio. Or Esmerelda and Esperanza. I don't know why I can only think of Mexican/spanish names for twins... but it beats little Rogers and Hammerstein.

  21. Well done on the working out lovely!! My sister was telling me about her friend who, quite openly shared that she suffered from severe PCOS and for years insisted she 'didn't ever EVER want kids' (total self preservation stance that one IMO!) and suddenly 3 years into her marriage BAM expecting twins. I smell bullshit. I certainly intend on shouting out about infertility, MRKH and surrogacy, should we ever have a child - and probably only after it's born....! Lets face it, unless I claim some sort of miracle akin to Mary getting pregnant with Jesus without sex, people are gonna be like, but you were never preggers!
    I think it's vital that more and more people do shout out about IF in some small way. Otherwise the shame just perpetuates.
    Roll on June!!!!

  22. I am long-time reader, first time poster and I have to say, you are too funny. I always laugh out loud, snort and all. I just love it. I've really missed your posts the last little while. Thank you for being so funny and honest in the midst of infertility hell.

    I've often thought about this as well and for myself, I think I would absolutely include reference to the struggles I went through to get to the place where I could finally say I was pregnant and it was for keeps. Too many people take it for granted as something that comes easily and I would want people to know that I worked my ass off to get where I am.

    P.S. Was that a Seinfeld reference “don’t look me, I'm hideous?" If so, I love you even more!