Shit Ideas

It.  Is.  Thursday.

Well, its happened.  I got rid of that little robot that makes you type a word before you can comment on my blog a month or two ago, and now I'm getting the porn comments.  (The spam folder seems to be catching... most of them.)

I have arrived, internet!

Such is my hate for that robot (again, I'm blinder than any of you) that the robot stays gone until someone figures out a way to post an animated gif of jiggling breasts as a comment... and probably not even then because let's face it, who doesn't like boobies.

(Sidenote:  you would be shocked how many people arrive at my blog by searching 'stork porn'.  What is stork porn?!  No wait, don't tell me.. can't be as good as my imagination).

The House of Stork has been a little insane the last week. I'm fine, but there have been a few people in my life who have been less than fine so I've been doing a wee bit o running around.  So we don't grow apart as people, I'm going to dump some nonsense on you that I otherwise would've neatly constructed in a few blog entries.

1.)  If I win the jackpot, vacations and/or mental hospitals for everyone.  (And by mental hospital I mean celebrity mental hospital - where it's really just an expensive vacation on a beach somewhere for 'exhaustion').

2.) I am resolving myself to liking Bruno Mars.  I'm excited about this development because the music I like in the last decade is few and far between, but he really needs to be a little more scarce on the radio before I overdose.

3.) My family is huge and every year they have a Christmas party, and there is always, inevitably, several people who are in fights with one another and it makes things awkward.  This year it's apparently going to be awkward between one of my cousin-in-laws (is that a thing?) who is a certifiable idiot, and my cousin who I love dearly, but who is genuinely shocked that people are suggesting that maybe she doesn't have to immediately fall in love with the first hillbilly to tapdance down meth-mountain and into her heart.  As happy as I am to be spending Christmas with my in-laws and therefor in a childless environment, I'm a wee bit saddened I don't get to see how this plays out.

4.)  Yesterday I spent the morning with men trying to yank my crowns out while I was on laughing gas.  I am terrified of dentists, and this experience was made doubly ludicrous by the fact that I had my 5 year old cousin came with me and to calm my nerves kept shouting "I want to see them yank out all of your teeth!"

5.)  Also if I win the lottery, I will be immediately putting my Mom on some sort of cruise ship.  She does too much for people.  Nothing would delight me more than her texting me and saying "I' am currently drinking wine in Italy with a scandalously young greasy-haired boy.  Everyone can go fuck themselves for the next week".

6.) I'm doing research on cults  This will probably turn into an entry later, but I'd just like to throw out there that in the Fundamentalist section of the Mormon church (not to be confused with the usual mormonism - these are the prairie looking folks with multiple wives) women are excommunicated for having miscarriages as they are 'baby killers'.

7.)  I am a shit Godmother. In my family we have 'ninas' and 'ninos'.  I'm on the outer fringes of the family, but when my cousins - all of whom procreate like rabbits - ran out of alternatives, I was named Nina to a resulting bunny.  I adore her and she just turned 3 yesterday.  The last year I have avoided all activities that involve her and other children.

Last year at her birthday party, I did pretty well with the 22 year olds talking about their 17 children and how it gives life meaning.  Then they put in a video her grandma made her with newborn photos set to sad music.

I also went to see her in a Christmas recital.  Hopped up on Clomid, no less, I sat in the dead center of a theatre surrounded by people younger than me holding babies on their laps, looking at the stage where their other babies were dressed as candycanes and snowmen.  Not the brightest idea I've ever had.

The problem with being a non-crier is I have absolutely no idea how to tell if it's coming.  Sitting in my living room now thinking about it?  I'm gonna give her birthday party a whirl.  She's 3 and I feel guilty as fuck.

This is a shit idea - right?  This is a shit idea.  Good gawd.  But I feel guilty, she's getting older.  Fuck.




Okay, that's it.  We're caught up.  Prepare yourselves for a totally unrelated entry on cults.