An Oversimplification of Everything I Know About Pregnancy Volume 1

Happy Saturday, ladies of interwebs.

I reread that title and not to sound the dreaded spoiler alert alarm but the answer is NOTHING.

I know NOTHING.

I caaaaaan, however, give a run down of what it was like for me. Which still means close to nothing because if I've learned anything it's that the yet-to-be-pregnant infertiles are far more qualified than I (like I've said before who gets out of the arctic waters and into a lifeboat first is completely illogical) and that the ever-so-boring adage of 'pregnancy is different for everyone' is unfortunately/fortunately true. I did mid-pregnancy attempt to record some observations here, but now I have the benefit of hindsight and something resembling sanity.

I'll still give the rundown for a few reasons. First, I was scarcely present during my pregnancy. Second, I need to be more present now and we have some catching up to do. Third, and most important, if/when you're pregnant maybe you'll run across one thing and go 'yesssss!!!!' because I myself found catharsis wildly helpful.

So again let's rewind many-moons so we can get to the present one. Forgive me for my utter lack of logical order, and for spreading this across a few entries.

(My pregnancy in a nutshell - note the excessive amounts of sweat and desperation).

1. If you have to do PIO shots for many weeks, don't panic your ass may eventually go dead. Mine did. The first week was a nightmare - Bub complained (HA) that you could actually hear the needle ripping through layers of skin, and it regularly felt like he was hitting my tail bone. We need to start making "IT GETS BETTER" videos for this.

2. Don't have a birth plan, or at least have a very loose one. Okay that sounded bossy. Forgive me. The argument for my case - the whole labor and delivery process is like riding a fucking bull. By all means, visualize the hell out of it if it eases some anxiety before mounting it. But if you try to choreograph every one of the 8 seconds  from the point of your toes to the flow of the bulls hair, while that's adorably type A it will probably be utterly useless information mid-ride and only serve to create unneeded anxiety. Just mount the damn thing and hang on for dear life.

3. No matter how pregnant you are when it occurs to you maybe you should change your Doctor - if it occurs to you at all, change him.

4. You may go completely batty. I don't mean adorable romantic comedy about a pregnant woman batty, I mean someone should be chasing you with a giant butterfly net batty. 

An Example: Stork is not the most emotional of beasts in her natural state. I maybe have 2 good cries a year. I have that man-quality of if you have a problem, solve it. 1 + 2 = 3, what goes up must come down, etc. etc. 

At one point when I was very pregnant, I was retrieving something out of Bubba's car when I saw a single, solitary dry noodle in his passenger seat. It took five seconds for my brain, hopped up on hormones, to conclude that this CLEARLY meant he was having an affair with some noodle eating whore. Obviously some boney ass harlot had enchanted my husband, and insisted he buy her cheap Chinese take out before doing her high-on-lo-mein twerking routine on his crotch. I do not exaggerate when I say that this was the ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION MY BRAIN COULD CREATE.

So after approximately 75 heated texts to him, he simply responded 'I know you're not feeling well, but are we really getting divorced over a noodle?' to which I replied 'What's the bitches name?'

5. You will spend weeks looking paunchy but not quite pregnant. On some visceral level you will know that you're one of those obnoxious girls sticking out a post-pizza-belly and saying "OMG I'm so huge look at this". Conclude you will never look or feel pregnant. Then one day, you or someone will take a picture of you and as if it happened overnight - holy shit you look pregnant.

( Bedroom prior to demolition.)

6. Your baby will move when you're trying to sleep and sleep when you want her to move.

7. You will have a symptom. You will get used to said symptom. You will finally feel relaxed in that you know what a healthy pregnancy feels like. Said symptom will totally disappear causing panic. Symptom will be replaced by totally foreign symptom, causing even more panic. Wash, rinse, repeat until Doctor says "she's crowning".

8. Take a gawddam babymoon. This is more important than a birth plan. This will be the last time you will be able to have sex with traditional sound effects, no rush, and no one wondering if the 3 week old lump in a bassinet has any concept of what is happening. And on the subject of things that are more important than birth plans, get a membership to Amazon Fresh.

9. If during your pregnancy you have any passing flirtation with a summer or late spring month, check that your air conditioning is in working order long before. Check that shit. Check it now. On a 100 degree day I came home, found that it wasn't working, hurled myself on the ground in an epic temper tantrum and declared I would be spending the rest of my pregnancy at the Beverly Hilton. I had the emotional maturity of a two year old until some sainted swarthy Russian man agreed to come fix it within the hour. We are all lucky there were no casualties.

10. All the things you said you would never do or feel as a pregnant infertile, you will do them and you will feel them. Forgive yourself.