Today.

I can't even...

I mean...

WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!!!!!

My words are not going to be very writerly today, but I'm going to write it all out because I want it here for when someone is searching.

First of all, let me say I was running LOW on hope.  I mean, as close to empty as I could possibly go and still be able to put clothes on in the morning and impersonate a functioning human being.  I've been like that for about a year.  Don't get me wrong - in the 4 years we've been trying to conceive, I got low on hope fairly early in the game.  (Well, definitely not early it was probably a year after torture, but now it just seems that way by comparison). In the last year, I have reached this whooooole other level that I didn't know existed where you're just.. as close to being empty as you can be without being a pod person.

I was a centimeter - a centimeter - away from just thinking that nothing good will happen for me.  I'm not religious in any way shape or form, I'm one of those liberal spiritual types though. I have always liked to think that there's some universal force, or good, or something, that even when it has to do bad shit to you doesn't enjoy it, and will eventually throw in some good. And that part of me just went dead.

I am a goofy funny person (funny people tend to be very dark) and I was still awake enough to realize I would seriously start to infect the people that love me if I didn't make an effort to stay goofy and positive, so I have.  And don't get me wrong - moments of sheer optimism!  But for the most part, it was something I was doing to impersonate an earlier version of myself so as not to alarm anybody, and because everyone should have hope in their life as long as they can possibly have it and I didn't want to beat anybody over the head with my discovery that hope was a myth.

And I've always been so grateful for other areas of my life - my husband is kickass, I have some fantastic friends and family, and a bunch of little things that all add up to me having it a lot sweeter than a lot of people. It's just this one area of my life where I felt like whatever universal force there was was chasing me around, whispering "If I just make this one thing go completely dark and punch you at every turn, I can make even the lightest things in your life go dim".

When they called Sunday to say ZERO had fertilized and that the remaining six eggs that were less mature had a less than 5% chance (mind you, this was IVF WITH the special chemical that was the only help of solving this) I felt that last little bit start to go dead.  Funeral was to be held Monday. Begged and pleaded with the universe and asked you to do the same for me (and you did, you did!).  Didn't think anything would come of it, and that's why Monday morning when they said two DID fertilize, I wept from happiness for the first time in my life.

Even less likely that they would keep growing, that they would make it to blast, I have basically been in a panic attack for the last five days trying to remain hopeful (and starting to tilt my head and squint at the power of good juju) while trying to prepare myself for when they told me none of them made it.

By this morning, I was a complete wreck.  I conked myself out last night (yay drugs!) but my stomach was apparently creating it's own superpower adrenaline and nauseousness, and I was worried when they said 'zero' despite my best efforts I would crumble and throw things. Everything on me was shaking.

When they called me back, there's Nurse Angelface standing right behind the door patients go in (across the office from where she usually is) smiling.  She says "I have good news for you". (She later told me she raaaaan down the hallway when she got the lab report).

I went into shock and kind of said "YOU DO!?!?!" and then she quickly shoved me into Dr. Kickass' office and handed him a paper.  Bub and I are now plopped down in chairs.

Dr. Kickass fumbles with glasses a second, looks at paper, and says "Oh my God". Then nurse Angel says they are both blastocysts, and not only that but they're Grade A.

Ummmm.. WHAT?!?!?!

So glad I had already gone to the bathroom because I probably would have peed my pants.

I started crying, Bub started laughing, I declared my crying gross which thankfully stopped the crying.

Of the late-late-late (two days!) bloomers, one of them has pooped out, the other is still mysteriously chugging around.  (Are you kidding me?)

I do not remember undressing, getting an ultrasound to check on my post-ER progress (apparently they just had to push hard on my stomach to get to my tricky hidden ovary for it's eggs - which I'm so glad they did! - so that's probably why I'm still sore).  I do remember thanking the Doctor and giggling at Marc and unable to decide who to text first.

Afterwards we went into the little nurses' nook where Angelface works and ended up laughing and having lemoncake with them for a half hour. (Icing is now on my leggings). Nurse said honestly, a miracle - and they were so excited when the report came in they whooped and she went running.


I know I'm not pregnant (YET!) and this is just getting a couple of blasts.. But holy shit me, are you KIDDING ME?  I get a CHANCE? WHO has heard of one cycle going from ZERO fertilizing to having two, perfect blasts?

My point is whatever little but very crucial part of me started to completely and utterly die this last weekend was slowly, tentatively reviving all week and now it's awake.  And I'm smiling. And there's no part of me that thinks bad HAS to happen and that miracles DON'T.  If you knew what kind of hardcore cynic I am you would know that that in itself is a miracle - you all had so much to do with that I'm going to be forever, and ever, and ever grateful. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have so many people thinking happy thoughts and lighting candles and cheering me on.  Some weird kind of magic happened that I wasn't expecting and I didn't think I deserved, and now I have a really good shot because of it.

The proper words to you fail me.

I have nothing but love right now.

And what a couple of unbelievable ASSKICKERS these two are!  BOOM!  Heisenberg and La Bamba kicking ass, taking names and making history!!!

Off for a big celebratory lunch with Mr. T!

Love, love, love you people.  Oh so much.