(Sidenote: anyone seen that movie "Womb"? It's freaking disturbing. Woman loses love of her life, woman utilizes technology to give birth to clone of her love, falls in love with son. If you're looking for another horrifying weird movie to do with falling in love with children, see "Birth".)
Yesterday, I went to Disneyland.... I swear I don't live there (okay fine, I've been meaning to tell you guys I'm Mickey Mouse). This time with the lady best friend Ms. Kali. I ended up getting her a half of an hour later than anticipated, and we missed a horrifying accident at the Disney exit by the same amount (spooky). There were miraculously no lines, and we did everything in record time.
This morning, I went and spent ludicrous amounts of money at Bath and Body Works on my Christmassy smells. I wreak of chemically produced Christmas cookie.
And now, some letters to Santa.
Dear Santa,
I am in no mood to go Christmas shopping this year. I am planning on going Friday with Mr. T to the ::gasp:: mall. While I make no promises that I will not be carrying pepper spray, I can perhaps promise that if I do, I will make it peppermint spray as it seems more festive.
Dear Santa,
I also do not believe I will be bringing myself to send out Christmas cards this year. The thought of having to send 50 cards out updating people on my last year.. well... I fear if I had to wipe my ass with 50 cards I would eventually chafe.
Dear Santa,
Thank you for finally coordinating Bub's special spooj appointment in Massachusetts. I am convinced this was due to you working your contacts with a small nod to my being a harassing, shrew-harpie of a wife. Seeing as how he has to make it from D.C. to Boston at the butt crack of dawn on December 26th, I was hoping you could explain to me how that sleigh-magic works, or at least offer up a ride. (In his own way he needs to be there to spread... cheer).
Dear Santa,
I was just at the Bucks of Star and a hipster girl was trying to impress a hipster boy by talking about Bob Dylan, but kept calling him Bob Dole. I did not laugh until I was in my car. Please update your records.
(And I quote - "People nowadays just don't understand how moving the poetry of Bob Dole was... I think they should do another movie like that one where Cate Blanchett played him".)
Dear Santa,
I don't know how common the request is for fully functioning reproductive organs, but if it can be done, please throw a good ute down my chute.
Any additional letters to be sent? I'm like, 80% sure my blog is in his newsfeed.
I am in no mood to go Christmas shopping this year. I am planning on going Friday with Mr. T to the ::gasp:: mall. While I make no promises that I will not be carrying pepper spray, I can perhaps promise that if I do, I will make it peppermint spray as it seems more festive.
Dear Santa,
I also do not believe I will be bringing myself to send out Christmas cards this year. The thought of having to send 50 cards out updating people on my last year.. well... I fear if I had to wipe my ass with 50 cards I would eventually chafe.
Dear Santa,
Thank you for finally coordinating Bub's special spooj appointment in Massachusetts. I am convinced this was due to you working your contacts with a small nod to my being a harassing, shrew-harpie of a wife. Seeing as how he has to make it from D.C. to Boston at the butt crack of dawn on December 26th, I was hoping you could explain to me how that sleigh-magic works, or at least offer up a ride. (In his own way he needs to be there to spread... cheer).
Dear Santa,
I was just at the Bucks of Star and a hipster girl was trying to impress a hipster boy by talking about Bob Dylan, but kept calling him Bob Dole. I did not laugh until I was in my car. Please update your records.
(And I quote - "People nowadays just don't understand how moving the poetry of Bob Dole was... I think they should do another movie like that one where Cate Blanchett played him".)
Dear Santa,
I don't know how common the request is for fully functioning reproductive organs, but if it can be done, please throw a good ute down my chute.
Any additional letters to be sent? I'm like, 80% sure my blog is in his newsfeed.
I could use some rockstar egg quality with a thinner zona pellucida.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to Husbands spooj appt, maybe look into a train ticket. I believe the Acela (fast train) runs up to boston.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel like I deserve a huge reward for not laughing out loud at people! congrats!
Remember that post about my therapist asking the easter bunny for a baby and I laughed? Well... I already sent a letter to Santa. Taking crazy to a whole 'nutha level!
Please ask Santa to send us all to Belize for our bloggy-friends retreat!
ReplyDeleteCan you please ask Santa to send me one of his elves in lieu of a baby of my own? Like adoption. And I would totally keep dressing him in those little red and white striped tights and green dress. Until he is 18. And the hat. Definitely the hat. And can I also please have a map showing where Belize is, too because KelBel my geography is that bad.
ReplyDeleteAww... Bub's Special Spooj Appointment... that sounds like a TV mini-drama starring a cat. So funny about the peppermint spray -- I am totally doing that. Or maybe I'll buy some mace and then claim that I thought it was a form of nutmeg and I really just wanted to enhance the flavour of my Starbucks gingerbread latte. As to my request for Santa, PUT A DAMN BAYBEE IN MA DAMN UTERUS!!! That is all.
ReplyDeleteYou are a kinder person than me. On a bad day I would have laughed and then corrected her. But only on the really bad days like immediately following a miscarriage or something. The second letter was my favorite.
ReplyDeleteI was this close to inquiring on one of you FB pictures as to whether or not you live at Disneyland!
ReplyDeleteI have many a request for the jolly old fat man, but alas, I am boycotting Christmas this year.
And lastly, I thought you were Jewish. Or am I confusing you with Sunny?
"Throw a good ute down my chute." Brill.
ReplyDeletePlease ask him to send all the pregnant people that keep complaining to me about their pregnancy heaping piles of coal.
ReplyDeleteChristmas cards and stupid and overrated...I throw them all out:))
ReplyDeleteHow in the hell do you not know Bob Dylan...what the what?? You are way too kind to not laugh in her face!!! Being the east coast bitch that I can be...I think I would've embarrassed her.
I'm so glad all is working out for the spermy tests...yay for spermy tests!!! And that good ute...I know it's coming I can feel it!!!!
ps....love DL it is my second home!!
HAHAHAHA youre killing me! thats just too dang much! I love it!
ReplyDeleteThe poetry of Bob Dole? If I had been drinking milk it would have come out my nose. Best thing I've heard all week.
ReplyDeleteOh no Bob Dole!? What an ejit!
ReplyDeleteI would like Santa to give me a uterus and make it so that I can just have sex with Dax and have a baby. Wham Bam Thank You Santa! Not too much to ask surely!!
Dear Father Christmas,
ReplyDeleteYou know what I really want, but if that is proving too hard for your workshop to sort out (as it seems to be), could I please have a week or two skiing in the French alps with my husband. I want to eat cheese, be in the snow, eat more cheese and hoon down a mountain with the wind in my hair. Please. Pretty please with sugar on top and a cherry too.
Love Luna
Dear Santa,
ReplyDeleteOn my last cycle can I please a have a great big beta...one that says there is no way you are losing this baby! Thanks!
Oh and can you please make sure Bob Dole stops writing poetry!
Thanks again!
This had me laughing so hard and reading your letters out loud to hubby :o)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comic relief.
#1- Loved Birth and now I will download womb. Sounds good in that creepy way that I like.
ReplyDelete#2- I live on an island. All the best stores are on the mainland and it costs a kabillion dollars to take the ferry to get there. But for some inexplicable reason if you drive up island to a little shitty town that looks like a bomb went off in 1987 and time froze you will find a Bath and Body Works. I went there 2 weekends ago, driving FOUR HOURS round trip, so I could up Christmas up my joint. Currently loving my "Winter" wall flower. When's that loses it's scent I'll stick it in one of the bedroom and bring on some sugar cookie.
#3- Bob Dole? Bob Dylan? UGH, I just know she was probably wearing those hideous hipster owl eyeglasses the kids are all donning and some ironic plaid somewhere on her body. And now.... Big Brass Bed sung by Bob Dole. Think about it, won't you?
#4- I swear my syntax is not as bad as the above comment would lead you to believe.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, I need to see the movie "Womb" LOL! How weird!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear your hubby's spooj testing is scheduled!! I hope and pray it all works out and you get the answers you've been waiting for.
LOL, love those Santa letters! Great idea!
Dear Santa,
Please please please (with a cherry on top) give me my forever baby!! This cycle! I would never ask for anything again (maybe)!
And we need money!
Dear Santa,
ReplyDeletePlease send Stork a shiny medal for being the coolest person ever. Oh and send her a baby to for the love of cookies!
A good ute down my chute? LOVE IT! Hope Santa brings you everything your sweet little heart desires. Love and Hugs!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, you had the wife and I snorting regarding the Christmas cards and the ute in chute. Thanking you.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure anybody could write a better letter to Santa than you, but do you think he'll understand what you mean by "spooj"?
ReplyDeleteDear Santa ... does this mean you'll be in DC at Xmas? I have a husband you should meet. And I want to make sweet sweet love to you ;-) You foppy frenchmen you.
ReplyDelete