The One Where I Screw Hope

Happy Manly Monday, putas!

Thank you, thank you, for re-affirming my negative.  It has been a looooong time since I have bothered taking any sort of pregnancy test, and I normally like to shove them under Bub's nose and say "this is just one line, right?" to curb any possible obsessions.

The only other thing that can get me to throw out a pregnancy test very quickly is to look at the result, and say to myself word for word, "Now Stork, based on this, are you going to run into the other room and announce that you are pregnant?"

Knowing it aint gonna happen without IVF is strangely liberating most of the time.  So I don't see a need to even involve Bubba with pregnancy test taking - because a logical person may see me peeing on something and say "aha, there is hope" when I highly doubt I even ovulated.  When one is without O, one is also without D or P.  So thanks for being my temporary internet Bubba.



Like most people, I started dating hope with total naivete.  Had she shown up on my doorstep wearing a leather jacket, wreaking of moonshine and sporting a tear-tattoo on her face for every one of her kills, I would have known what I was getting into. But no, she arrived a few years ago looking fresh and angelic - wreaking of innocence, Disneyland, fresh baked cookies and unicorn farts.

I was immediately infatuated.  After all, the only part of her reputation I was familiar with was the one where people had a chance encounter with her and then their lives were turned into a never ending Disney movie with families, BBQs, endless bowls of noodle salad and an apparently inescapable need to spread your joy on Facebook like internet herpes.

I was not aware that half of the people she dated had that lovely ending, and the other half were taken hostage, sodomized with lubricated wands and needles and then forced into a looping hell of awkward social situations where you're forced to pretend you're not actually dating.  (She is happily married to some - me, I'm her low self-esteem mistress who goes online internet stalking her actual spouses).

I fucked around with her every month for a long time.  I fucked with her at home, out with my friends, at family parties, on vacation - we were true exhibitionists headed for a very special episode of "Taboo" (no need to switch between us and adults who wear diapers for fun or fall in love with inanimate objects - we're taboo enough).

I fucked with her every month, and at the end of the month expected her to call.  Or acknowledge me.  Or decide that she was going to add me to the list of her spouses.  No dice.  And the following month, I would just go back and ask for more.  I was like all those silly girls that go on the Maury Povich show.  I would change her mind, she would change me.  True love and all that.

It took a couple of years of this for me to tell her to fuck off.

And now every once in awhile she calls for a booty call, and I have to re-tell her to fuck off.

I have to remind her that I want nothing else than to strangle her (slowly, and with lots of eye contact).  Bury her in my backyard and at the end of my labor dance a jig of glee on top of her, possibly to Jay-Z's "99 problems but a bitch aint one", and then pee out all the inevitable gallons of vodka I would have drank in celebration, because it's nice to leave the dead a little gift every once in awhile.

And now, for a Bubba fact for Monday.

Bubba works in the vicinity of Harrison Ford.  Not with or around, but it would be very likely to run into him in the parking lot.

Given Bub's volume level and professionalism, I do not expect him to carry a copy of "Indiana Jones" to work with him every day, and then the second it's possible to run up to him insisting that he autograph it for his wife.

But I have hope.

Damnit.


PS - I am going to put together a fancy shmancy tab for Manly Mondays and participants.

Manly Monday, newcomers - we just decided that on a Monday, we were going to share something about the men behind the infertile women other than their sperm analysis stats.

Soooo... If your name is not on this post, and you would like to participate, let me know - I'm gonna put all those snazzy ladies on the tab and any newcomers.