A Petty Facebook Fight

Happy Saturday, my fellow fucked-fecundity friends.

The wee one is at Grandma's for the night. I've been unsupervised for 2 hours and feel as though I'm doing something illegal. About once a month she has a babycation there for an evening (good for marriage, good for sanity, good for baby - what happens at Grandmas stays at Grandmas and all that).  While others may scoff at this once-a-month-plan I know that it's good for us - however, every single time I spend about two hours blissfully doing nothing, followed by becoming completely bored and inevitably staring at pictures of her and willing myself not to clean because that seems like a lamesauce waste of a day off.

This week was marked by weirdness but yesterdays gem takes the cake. A cousin of mine, who is not someone I talk to more than once a year, called me out on Facebook for, apparently, posting my entire life online.

As is the usual, once daylight hits and Heisenbaby woke up I took her into our bed and shoved my boob in her mouth to try to talk her into dozing for a bit longer. When it worked for her and not for me, I pulled out my phone to dick around. Facebook asked me if I would allow it to post a tagged post to my timelines...

Damn me for not taking a picture of this because I knew it would get deleted eventually, but to paraphrase:

'Shout out to my cuz Stupid Stork. She has a high IQ and her sense of humor rivals mine...'

(DEAR GAWD IN HEAVEN)

'.... I don't unfriend I just remove people from my feed, it's nothing personal. I just don't need your every move, your every selfie, your every pity party, your every issue. No love lost.'

Now in the event we're not friends on the dreaded FertileBook (and why the eff aren't we? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES) you should know I am psychotically, unabashedly goofy on there.

You could complain about the number of pictures of Heisenbaby, and I would respect it.

I know how obnoxious baby pictures can be - and I put her cute ones into albums like "March 2015" for example. Bub doesn't particularly like that I post pics of her online, and I know how it is when you're trying (5 years, ya'll) seeing babies online. My reasoning for it is I waited so. long. There are a few things I don't do out of sensitivity and some I allow myself because they were things I was so looking forward to as a Mom and don't want to deny myself (which is hard). I'm not a California native so this is a way to keep in touch with people (who are all. over. the. place.) without actually having to keep in touch via 4,000 different avenues and frankly it's a good place to store some of her photos in case anything happens to them.  So you could be irritated by that, for sure, and I'd totally get why a person would want to 'unfollow'.

You could also be irritated that I'm so silly. I LOVE silly - LOVE. Some people don't. I just don't see Facebook as the avenue to bare my soul.

Which is why the rest of it is SO. CONFUSING. Self pity? Selfies? Issues?

The closest I have to a pity party is when I posted a few days ago my plan to meet new Mom friends: Sit atop tree in front yard. Bring large butterfly net. Wait.

I feel like the sarcasm is pretty evident in that one. It genuinely didn't occur to me that I should make clear that I'm not ACTUALLY sitting in a tree hoping to catch Mom friends. UNDIAL 911.

What makes this even more confusing is that this is a person who I talk to maybe at the family Christmas party for 5 minutes and I had absolutely no idea they were paying attention to what I was doing on Facebook.

Even more confusing, what is the point of tagging me in a public post? There is a handy-dandy unfollow button and I would be none the wiser. (It should be noted, that he does consider himself a bit of a thug I suppose - so my only guess is sharing this made him think he would seem very particular, coveted, badass... The flaw in this plan is that I'm a 33 year old writer/stay at home Mom so the only street cred I could give him is if he wanted to have a dance off. I do a mean robot.)

I commented 'What is happening?' and then a few minutes later I was going to post 'somehow I will move on and pick up the pieces of my life, surely there is a support group for people like me' but it had since been deleted.

So I posted the following:

I thiiiiink (?) it was just pointed out to me I put my whole life on Facebook? So now I'm going to narrate my every move to you IN ALL CAPS. BUBBA JUST PUT THE DOGS IN YOU GUYS.

And spent my day, when I had a free moment, making the following observations:

YOU GUYS I JUST GOT TO A DOCTORS OFFICE AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO PARKING BUT THERE WAS A PIGEON.

YOU GUYS EVERYTHING IN THIS BUILDING IS TAUPE I THINK TAUPE IS GOING TO BE HUGE IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE DECOR CIRCUIT.

TAUPE IS A GAME CHANGER. I REPEAT, TAUPE IS A GAME CHANGER.

YOU GUYS IT'S SO HARD TO DRESS FOR THE GYNECOLOGIST I'M TORN BETWEEN EASY ACCESS AND PLAYING HARD TO GET.

YOU GUYS I WAS JUST PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED BY A BUTTERFLY ON MY PORCH.

YOU GUYS MY DOGS SQUEAKY TOY ELEPHANT JUST REAPPEARED AFTER BEING MISSING FOR OVER A YEAR. QUESTIONING WHETHER HE WAS ON VACATION. VIVA HARRY ELEFANTE.

YOU GUYS WHY ISN'T WACHOVIA'S SLOGAN 'WACHOVIA WE WATCH OVA YA'.

YOU GUYS I THOUGHT I HAD A CANCEROUS LOOKING MOLE BUT IT TURNED OUT TO JUST BE A STRAY BIT OF HEISENBABY POOP.

YOU GUYS I HAVE NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE THINK HUMMINGBIRDS ARE AWESOME EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME I HEAR ONE I THINK IT'S A GINORMOUS BEE AND I HIT THE DECK.

YOU GUYS I HAVE THE FEELING WILFRED BRIMLEY'S MUSTACHE IS AUTONOMOUS.

(Source.)

In other news, yesterday I found out I'm getting a laparoscopy hopefully as soon as possible (first one in 15 years). I've been in crazy pain for quite a few months, so they're going to open me up to see what's the haps and if necessary look into an excision surgery.

So on a bright note, my cousin actually gave me a lovely distraction. Asshat.