May yours be full of glitter and unicorn farts and topped with a generous helping of awesome sauce and a sprinkle of fuck yeah.
Just wanted to say really quick - this blog is my crack den of free therapy and you are the coke I get to snort off of a hookers teet. Therefor it should go without saying, that if all goes well I will not be doing the ole "well, fixed that problem so peace out, suckas!". Nor will I hold it against you if you have to take a step back from me a bit or a lot at any time, and if you're on the fence about it - let me just say I don't want to sit at the freaking fertile table at lunch. Also, I am unsure how much I will be talking about pregnancy on here but I can tell you that for now it may be a lot because I'm nervous, but once that subsides a bit when I do talk about it it will be in the manner I talk about everything else which is 90% totally freaking ludicrous. And that's all she wrote for now.
My betas went swimmingly - at 12 dpo (7dp5dt) it was 44, 14 dpo 135, 16dpo 386.
Just wanted to say really quick - this blog is my crack den of free therapy and you are the coke I get to snort off of a hookers teet. Therefor it should go without saying, that if all goes well I will not be doing the ole "well, fixed that problem so peace out, suckas!". Nor will I hold it against you if you have to take a step back from me a bit or a lot at any time, and if you're on the fence about it - let me just say I don't want to sit at the freaking fertile table at lunch. Also, I am unsure how much I will be talking about pregnancy on here but I can tell you that for now it may be a lot because I'm nervous, but once that subsides a bit when I do talk about it it will be in the manner I talk about everything else which is 90% totally freaking ludicrous. And that's all she wrote for now.
My betas went swimmingly - at 12 dpo (7dp5dt) it was 44, 14 dpo 135, 16dpo 386.
Today I am - and I can't believe I am saying this - 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am nervous and grateful and nervous and excited and nervous.
...And nervous.
I know what you're thinking - 'just enjoy it you asshat!' because this is what I would have been yelling a few weeks ago. And I'm trying to.. I'm trying to. I'm trying to live every moment as though its soundtrack was a super duper relaxing 70s funk song.
I'm trying to be a groovy, groovy bitch and I am about 60% of the time. The other 40% is spent worrying what will happen if I allow myself to be totally happy.
I go from feeling like a giggly creature high off the ole strawberry funk to totally overwhelming anxiety. Pretty damn quickly.
(Source)
I just wonder when it lifts - when the worry lifts and it feels real. When the overall worry will lessen enough for me to mostly feel the happy.
And before you get totally irritated with me - I am SO happy and so fucking grateful there are no words for it. I just want to feel it fully without being a superstitious ass about it and get it through my thick skull I won't get punished for enjoying the happy.
I have to be better about letting myself feel happy because right now, in this moment, I am pregnant. I've been waiting for this for so long, and damnit I'm going to enjoy it.
I occasionally shout to my husband (full decibel) THERE'S A PERSON IN HERE. Mostly because that doesn't fully register with ME.
There's a PERSON IN HERE. I have to try to relax and enjoy that shit because by the beard of Zeus, after 4 years there is, as of this moment, a PERSON IN HERE.
Tomorrow is my first ultrasound - I'll only be 5 weeks 2 days so they'll just be looking for a sac (or sacs).
I promise to become a much more interesting person once this worry subsides a little.
Keep a toe or two crossed for me - I shall update tomorrow.
Until then, you stay funky internet.
It's perfectly normal to worry about things! I never do totally relax, the worry just never goes away. But for today, you are pregnant.
ReplyDeleteHoping SO SO MUCH that your scan goes well! Sending positive happy thoughts!
Hey ho! Congrats!! I'll be doing somersaults and chicken dances for you
ReplyDeleteNervousness is completely normal. You will start to feel more calm as the pregnancy progresses. Like after the heartbeat(s), once you enter the 2nd trimester, and then after the 20 week ultrasound.....and then...... The big one having the baby. You're feelings are completely normal, it would be weird if you weren't nervous. You've been waiting so long for this, and I know it must seem like a dream for you. It did for me, I felt like my feet were not touching the ground. I felt like I was going to throw up before each ultrasound.... But that was me. A lot of other bloggers seem so calm about it all. Everyone is different, and so is everyone's pregnancy. You will enjoy it and at times you will be nervous, but that's normal. Anyone who tells you they weren't nervous at all is completely lying!!!!! I can't wait to hear about the ultrasound tomorrow.....I'm crossing everything for you. I know it's going to be just fine!!!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat news!!! Congrats! You are going to be nervous! That is part of this journey! I was nervous literally every second for 13.5 weeks! And now I am still nervous, but about diabetes and preterm labor instead of miscarriage bit comes with the territory so don't be too hard on yourself! Someday you will feel more optimistic, so enjoy those days while they last! So happy for you!
ReplyDeleteWonderful to hear that your numbers keep going up!!! Feel happy, nervous, anything and everything you need to -- because you are doing a great job reminding yourself that as you read this you are pregnant!! Many prayers and warm wishes continuing to be sent your way!! Looking forward to future posts : )
ReplyDeletehttp://disappearingrose.blogspot.com/
Oooohhh... can't wait to hear about the ultrasound... PLEASE let us know how it goes! So very happy for you! Nerves are understandable- hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been lurking and waiting for your post! Hoping everything goes well today.
ReplyDeleteThose are some great betas!! I'm so happy for you. Congratulations! Hoping all is right the the old ute at the u/s. and BTW, it is virtually impossible to 'just enjoy' the beginning of pregnancy. Impossible, I say! Once you're done with the 1st trimester worries, you get a whole new fun bag of worries on your doorstep! But worries aside, it's the most incredibly amazing experience for an infertile to finally be able to embrace pregnancy. You won't take one single second for granted...but you already know this. So happy! XOXO
ReplyDeleteCant wait to see the u/s! Everything crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteAs everyone else has and will tell you, it is (unfortunately) normal. It wasn't until he was born that u realized how much scarier it is to have them OUTSIDE of you. It suddenly seems easier to keep him safe inside of my tummy ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm still nervous as hell at 20 weeks, but I'm a lot more hopeful than I was at 7 weeks. I think being in this community does not help- you just know too much. We just have to suck it up and drink this oil and water emulsion of hope and worry.
ReplyDeleteYou are super duper normal and fucked up like the rest of us. At nearly 23 weeks, I am alternately psycho-elated and morbidly terrified. Sometimes I am psycho-elated or just kinda normal for days. That's pretty new. I concur with B's schedule. The anxiety really is helped by that 20 week ultrasound. Also, huge for me, feeling my guy move. Because when they're moving, it's pretty hard to be all "you're dead" because they're all, "no i'm not and i'm not going to go to college because i'm going to start a band with no instruments and marry someone twice my age." Oh, kids.
ReplyDeleteYou will worry the whole time. The things you worry about will just change over the months. Then you will worry about the baby and stick your finger under her nose while she sleeps to make sure she is breathing.
ReplyDeleteAs for when it feels real? I'll let you know. I guess towards the end and when I could constantly feel them move it finally started to feel like this was actually happening. But, I still sometimes look at my babies and look around at all the baby stuff cluttering my house and it still doesn't quite feel like this is really my life. And it baffles me that these 2 humans came out of my body. Baffles me. It's just crazy.
Keeping everything crossed for you!! Sending lots of positive vibes your way. I am so very happy for you :)
ReplyDeleteYES!!! Congrats!!! I know how hard it is not to worry, but you've got this and just enjoy every minute. So happy for you!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, Merry Christmas! Enjoy it as much as you can. It is normal to worry, after everything ya'll have endured to get to this point! Enjoy those moments of bliss and happiness as much as possible-send those good vibes all the way to your baby growing inside YOU! :) And it will all be worth it once you finally get to hold your baby (or babies!) in your arms. This is amazing news! Looking forward to reading your posts about pregnancy, especially given your battles with infertility for so long. Any pregnancy symptoms? Take it easy, and enjoy these days!
ReplyDeleteI'm very happy for you. I know how you feel with kind of being afraid to jinx things too.
ReplyDeleteYay! So glad to see that sac on Twitter! Can't wait to keep seeing good things!
ReplyDeleteFor me, the fear was horrible in the beginning. Debilitating and horrible. And it slooowly got better over time. Now, at 25 weeks, I still find a way to worry most days. But it is manageable and transient and not so damned painful. I'd say it started feeling more "safe" when I started feeling them kick on the regular. That was around 18 weeks or so. And it's been a daily reminder of their presence since then. But when did it start feeling real? Ehh, I don't know. It still doesn't feel real sometimes. Finding out the sexes was probably what allowed me to start picturing them as particular human children and what let me start REALLY loving them.
ReplyDeleteMAJOR MAJOR MAJOR good luck today. If I am reading the hint above correctly, it sounds like good news!
I was nervous until I started feeling the baby move regularly. Everyone is different but it's completely normal and very common to feel like it's not real or that at any moment aliens will come down and steal your baby away. Don't fret my dear, what helped me is journaling about what symptoms I was having and about body changes etc. There are so many funky pregnancy symptoms that no one tells you! You just wait! ;) So happy for you!
ReplyDeleteYay for awesome betas!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I would think there was something wrong with you if you weren't nervous. It's totally normal - no need to apologize for it - and you'll likely feel nervous about something every day of your pregnancy. But it does get better.
All toes are crossed for your ultrasound!
Congrats on your betas, I hope that you have a wonderful ultrasound! I'm 21 weeks pregnant with twins from a FET and I will tell you that it didn't feel real until I had a quick peek at them on ultrasound at 15 weeks. I had already had 3 ultrasounds at that point and I just remember being surprised every time I saw them, like "Hey, they are still there??" Once I started showing I felt better about it, but it does take some time to thaw that nervousness and fear (and it doesn't go away completely). I still have my panicked moments where I feel like it's too good to be true. I can't wait to hear how things go!
ReplyDeleteUgh, it's so hard to just enjoy it because for me if I just enjoy it then I don't leave any margin for error if it should occur. I don't want to get blindsided if things turn south. I don't want to get too cocky and over confident. I was starting to feel pretty secure and then I started spotting yesterday. That knocked me down like a bigillion notches. Baby is good and heart beat is good still so I'm trying to take a chill pill but fuck it's hard to just enjoy it. I guess I have to sit somewhere in between don't be too negative and don't be too cocky. I hope there's two sacks in there!
ReplyDeleteSaw this and thought of your Twitter picture: http://funnyexam.com/answers/popular/1578-tongue-is-in-the-right-place
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that everything is okay after that scary bleeding episode!
I am so freakin' happy for you! But I must say, the worry never goes away...it's just replaced with worry about different things. My little is almost 6 months and I still worry about anything and everything. I try to live in the moment as much as possible and just enjoy life. And the part about saying "there's a person in there..."...I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that my baby grew in me for that long...it's mind boggling!
ReplyDeletei hope your blog becomes all about puking in inappropriate places, incontinence, exhaustion, abdominal/joint pains, pregnancy bulimia (eat dinner, ralph, then head right to the freezer for some ice cream without passing go or collecting $200), and everything a preggo gets to complain about. thats what I want to see from you, storkie, cuz its YOUR time and you deserve to complain like the rest of them.
ReplyDeletejust one little thing to share, if I could one year and say to my 2012 self: the worry might not go away with the passing weeks. Perhaps that day will come after 12 wks or it may not -- your brain may focus on other things to worry about. It could be a conscious choice that you have to make if you want that happy-to-be-pregnant-in-the-moment feeling. It never came for me because I got distracted by worrying about potential issues that didnt materialize (thankfully) but I'm determined if we get lucky again to do my best to take that fetus for granted and enjoy the ride.
stepping off soapbox...
p.s. YAAAAY for HCG. can't wait to hear which of your badasses are ready to beat you up from the inside out.