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Sunday, October 6, 2013

Help.

0 fertilized.

They retrieved 20 eggs yesterday and 11 were mature. 

They did ICSI on all 11, plus special chemical, and as of this morning 0 fertilized. 

Since yesterday, 6 more eggs matured. Today the head embryologist is going to try to fertilize them but the chances are 'less than 5%'. 

A miracle is required. 

The next 24 hours will probably be my swift quick from spiritual agnostic to atheist. From always finds the silly to total nervous breakdown. 

I know we do a lot of praying and hoping and good vibing for each other. I honestly at this point have a hard time believing it does anything but if it does... 

Please please please pray for us. Pray for those last 6.

We're good people. I don't need a baby army, I will be as kind and silly a mom as possible and Bub is just about the greatest guy you'll ever meet. 

After 4 years and every kind of fertility treatment imaginable this is the last stop on the train for us before we have no choice but to get off the train & take residence in All Hope Lost. 

I will not be able to live through this and keep my sanity. 

Please light a candle, say a prayer, do a dance, something. Anything. It would be great if something could happen that would make me believe in God or miracles or that good things happen. 

I try my absolute damnedest to laugh through the shittiest things. It's my gift it's my Jennyism it's the one bit of sunshine I contribute to the world and that is going to be murdered. 

My plan for today is to smoke a cigarette, take some Vicodin because I'm still so sore from yesterday and try not to become an empty shell.

Thanks to everyone on twitter for kind and/or pissed off words. Greatly appreciated. 

Please get pushy with God on my behalf it would appear he can't hear me. I would love to be the happy story people can tell in their dark hours - 'listen to what happened to this girl, if she can get pregnant anyone can' - and not the horror story people are afraid of becoming. 

It's a shot in the dark and I may not deserve it but I need a miracle.  

Prayers, candles, retweets, a stern mental request, a happy thought... Anything. Help me I'm quickly approaching helpless (and if I'm already there I can have one more day before I have to accept it). 
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56 comments:

  1. Elizabeth :: Bébé SuisseOctober 6, 2013 at 1:19 PM

    Oh Jenny. So many good thoughts are being thought for you here

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  2. AnonymousOctober 6, 2013 at 1:47 PM

    Oh no. I can't even. Jenny, I'm not really the praying kind, but I'm sending all the positive vibes in the world your way. I really really hope they make this work. You so deserve it. xoxo

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  3. BriannaOctober 6, 2013 at 1:56 PM

    You have all the prayers, positive thoughts, yells at God and crossed body parts that I can give.

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  4. CookieOctober 6, 2013 at 2:01 PM

    Definitely praying for you and those 6 eggs. Come on little ones, fertilize.

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  5. JMOctober 6, 2013 at 2:01 PM

    Shaking my fist at the sky for you, and hoping with everything I have that you wake up to much, much better news tomorrow. ((Hugs))

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  6. AnonybloggerOctober 6, 2013 at 2:04 PM

    Whatever positivity this fucked up, unfair universe has left, I am begging it to give to you! Fervently wishing and hoping xxxx

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  7. UnknownOctober 6, 2013 at 2:05 PM

    This truely sucks, I am so sorry. I know how much pain you go to to make that many eggs; it's gut wrenching. Sending a prayer out there for you-- I'm agnostic, but this journey has driven me to prayer many a time :(

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  8. RebeccaOctober 6, 2013 at 2:07 PM

    so very sorry. This is your second IVF right? Totally non of my business and I'm not trying to be pushy but have you considered doing donor gametes?

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  9. Lisa NOctober 6, 2013 at 2:18 PM

    So sorry you're going through this. Praying!

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  10. AramisOctober 6, 2013 at 2:19 PM

    I fucking hate this whole thing. And I hate the the universe for doing it to you, to any of us. I don't know what to say other than you WILL get through this...I'm wishing and hoping as hard as I can for you guys right now. What are the doctors saying? What the eff happened to the magic potion formula that was supposed to fix everything?

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  11. AnonymousOctober 6, 2013 at 2:19 PM

    Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. I am going to dance for you. Dance and maybe pray. I don't really do that (and after my vocabulary at the beginning of this statement, I don't know if anyone will listen), but I will see if I can make it happen here for you. You brought me to this community through your vlog challenges and I am going to do turn around and show you what this community you've helped grow is good for. XO, friend.

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  12. Suzanne October 6, 2013 at 2:21 PM

    Dear, dear woman, I am praying, hoping, sending twinkle fingers, good wishes and as many positive vibes as I can muster. I am so sorry for this latest devastating news that you've been dealt. I too, know what it feels like to constantly be on the receiving end of shit news. Hang on. Just a little longer. Surely our miracle is around the corner.

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  13. AnonymousOctober 6, 2013 at 3:03 PM

    Sending every thought, prayer, and good vibe I've got your direction. I am so, so sorry. Wish very much there was more I could do, but will definitely be thinking/praying for you and Bub.

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  14. crystalgeezzzOctober 6, 2013 at 3:17 PM

    I'm sending all the good vibes & wishes I've got your way. I'm hoping for your happy ending

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  15. Future PerfectOctober 6, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    Your blog was such a help to me during my three IVF tries; I'm sending tons of luck your way. Life is so fucked up sometimes--please let this be one of those "they came from behind stories"!!! Will be thinking of you and hoping, hoping.

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  16. torthúilOctober 6, 2013 at 3:27 PM

    I am sending you tons good wishes and good luck. And I'm so sorry you are hurting because the world is not fair at all....but you will survive and find a way forward. Hoping so hard for you and for better luck with your treatments. But you are more than your treatments and their success and failure. Courage...

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  17. CoffeeBlueOctober 6, 2013 at 3:47 PM

    I fucking hate infertility. It shouldn't be this way. I'm praying for a miracle.

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  18. EmilyOctober 6, 2013 at 3:50 PM

    I'm so sorry, that really sucks :( Here's hoping for a miracle. Tons of positive thoughts for you and Bub.

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  19. Not Pregnant And Pissed!October 6, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    Ugh, my heart sank when I read this. Shit. Fuck. I will do a full on naked fertility dance for you and maybe an animal sacrifice? I have a nasty looking spider that's been living in my kitchen window all summer....I think his time is up anyway. Seriously what a nightmare. I'm so, so sorry. But...its not over yet! I will be holding my breath for you and sending my most positive thoughts out to you. Come on mother spirit of the universe, fucking c'mon!!!

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  20. Not Pregnant And Pissed!October 6, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    Ugh, my heart sank when I read this. Shit. Fuck. I will do a full on naked fertility dance for you and maybe an animal sacrifice? I have a nasty looking spider that's been living in my kitchen window all summer....I think his time is up anyway. Seriously what a nightmare. I'm so, so sorry. But...its not over yet! I will be holding my breath for you and sending my most positive thoughts out to you. Come on mother spirit of the universe, fucking c'mon!!!

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  21. JennyOctober 6, 2013 at 4:06 PM

    I'm a firm believer in the random unfairness of the universe, but if there's something out there that's pulling the strings in any of this, I'm hoping and praying with all my might that it tosses a random act of kindness your way.

    *huge hugs*

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  22. AnonymousOctober 6, 2013 at 4:12 PM

    Oh hon. I'm so sorry. I don't do God, but I'm hoping with all my heart those six become the miracles you need. No or bad sperm is a punch in the gut. It breaks my heart everyday. I'm sorry.

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  23. UnknownOctober 6, 2013 at 4:17 PM

    I wish I could take God by the shoulders and shake him/her hard until he/she makes it happen. Instead I will send you lots of strength, lots of love, sending you hugs and more cigarettes and more vicodin. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  24. UnknownOctober 6, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    Dear lord I know you can provide a miracle. Please bless this family with one. Provide them comfort and strength and help them to make a family that they will cherish and love.

    Sending you so much love and well wishes!

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  25. AnonymousOctober 6, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    I don't pray, but I'm sending all kinds of good fertilization vibes your way! Surely the universe can do something with all the positive thoughts being hurled in your direction!

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  26. SarahOctober 6, 2013 at 4:36 PM

    Oh Jenny, I am wishing, hoping, and praying... lots of positive thoughts coming your way...

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  27. ChonOctober 6, 2013 at 5:33 PM

    This is beyond heartbreaking. Praying, wishing and hoping that just one little sperm does the job it needs to xxx

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  28. KOctober 6, 2013 at 5:48 PM

    We are all thinking the very best thoughts for you....

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  29. Hapa HopesOctober 6, 2013 at 6:01 PM

    Jenny, this is the shittiest thing ever. I am so very sorry. I'm praying hard for that 5%.

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  30. SOctober 6, 2013 at 6:32 PM

    I am so sorry to read this update. I've been hoping for excellent news.

    Sending loads of positive vibes your way. I hope they help.

    Wishing you peace and comfort, Jenny. This is beyond unfair.

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  31. LisaOctober 6, 2013 at 6:36 PM

    Jenny, I'm so sad. I cried. Legit tears. I'm a God person who believes in the power of prayer. Jeremy and I both are praying for those six. It sucks and is so unfair. Please let this work!

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  32. A Few Good EggsOctober 6, 2013 at 6:43 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  33. A Few Good EggsOctober 6, 2013 at 6:43 PM

    Sending truckloads of luck your way. Hugs!

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  34. UnknownOctober 6, 2013 at 6:57 PM

    I am sincerely praying for your little eggs! Please hang in there.

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  35. RisaOctober 6, 2013 at 7:06 PM

    Oh Jenny. Shit, I'm sorry. I literally said, "Shit!" out loud reading this. I'm saying prayers for those 6. Pleading, pleading, pleading that a miracle happens, friend.

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  36. Non Sequitur ChicaOctober 6, 2013 at 7:50 PM

    FUUUUCK. I am going to get a headache sending you all of these good thoughts for your 6 remaining eggs but that's okay. Hang in there.

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  37. UnknownOctober 6, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    (((Hugs))) sending good thoughts and love

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  38. JoannaOctober 6, 2013 at 9:02 PM

    I'm conjuring Flying Spaghetti Monster as best I can, on your behalf. C'mon! This is your time!!!

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  39. BOctober 6, 2013 at 9:12 PM

    I'm so sad to read this. So not what I thought I was going to see. Jenny....I'm hoping and praying so hard for you tonight. I hope you can get some rest and sleep somewhat tonight, I know it's so hard. I'm going to believe in that 5%!!!!!

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  40. UnknownOctober 6, 2013 at 9:28 PM

    Please. C'mon, egglet, turn into lovely embies. If not all of you, can't 5 of you cheer on just one? Jenny and Bub just need one of you to make it across the finish line. Please try. You have half the IF blogosphere cheering you on, you can do it! YOU CAN DO IT! DIVIDE AND CONQUER!!!

    Jenny, this is about as close to praying as I get. I will be wishing my best thoughts for you and Bub and your brood of egglets.

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  41. Catie.fieldOctober 6, 2013 at 10:34 PM

    This sucks.There is no other way to put it. You and Bub should not have to deal with this. I'm also not one for praying, but every positive fertility vibe in my possession is headed your way. As far as having a breakdown, go for it. Smoke a cig, have a drink, grab some sushi. Be upset, give up hope you deserve to. But know that the fat lady has not yet sung, those six little eggs (and the six spermies they are going to be joined with) still have a chance and so many people are here hoping for them and you and Bub. However this roller coater goes, we'll be here and You. Will Be. OK (eventually)

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  42. DOctober 7, 2013 at 4:28 AM

    Thinking of you girl! I'm not the most religious, but I am saying prayers and sending you boatloads of positive thoughts!!

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  43. Small SimpleOctober 7, 2013 at 4:49 AM

    My heart sank when I read this. Jenny I am so sorry. This sucks. It ALL sucks. Sending as much positive thought as I can muster your way today. Hoping these 6 will pull through with a miracle for you. xx

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  44. Mrs. LostOctober 7, 2013 at 6:47 AM

    I will be praying for those 6 little ones to fertilize!! I will also send all of my postive thoughts and vibes.. Miracles do happen!

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  45. 2dogniteOctober 7, 2013 at 7:09 AM

    I'm dancing naked in my office surrounded by dozens of melty candles. Security is on their way but I keep dancing for you and those 6 eggs.
    Whatever happens, you will get through this. I'm sorry you even have to think like that right now. Enjoy that cigarette and the Vicodin and take care of yourself. We're doing all the praying for you.

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  46. apluseffortOctober 7, 2013 at 7:20 AM

    <3

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  47. CharlieOctober 7, 2013 at 7:34 AM

    This is awful. I'm so sorry. Am praying hard and sending positivity to those six. You deserve the happy ending. You're so amazing. Good luck good luck good luck.

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  48. MeredithOctober 7, 2013 at 7:43 AM

    Aw I have tears in my eyes reading this. I can't even imagine the pain and anguish you are feeling right now and I'm just so sorry. Sending prayers and hope your way. I really hope there's a light at the end of this tunnel for you.

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  49. dspenceOctober 7, 2013 at 8:28 AM

    Words are insufficient in this situation... I am so sorry. Praying.

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  50. Catwoman73October 7, 2013 at 9:07 AM

    Shit. I'm so sorry. Sending all the positive vibes I can muster your way...

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  51. Caroline @ In Due TimeOctober 7, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    Lord, please fill Jenny with your love and your peace!!!! Praying!

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  52. AnnieOctober 7, 2013 at 11:00 AM

    Sending hopeful thoughts for you!

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  53. JenSOctober 7, 2013 at 11:53 AM

    You absolutely deserve a miracle! I'm sorry you need one. I am pulling for those late bloomers.

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  54. UnknownOctober 7, 2013 at 11:56 AM

    Fuck - sending everything positive I have over to you today.

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  55. UnknownOctober 7, 2013 at 12:02 PM

    Praying for a miracle sweetie!!!

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