Fangs and Feathers

Greetings, People of Webdom!

I had my first ever acupuncture appointment this morning.  Pause for reaction.

My friend Kali, who is a psychotic ball of the kind of hummingbird energy that is normally reserved for people in the throws of a crack meltdown, started going a few weeks ago to control her stress level.  The day after she came slithering into my house and melted onto a chair proclaiming she was a different person.

It should also be noted that Kali has a severe needle phobia. I can safely say as a witness that most of us would do better dumping a bucket of spiders over our heads, and she's somehow totally cool with the acupuncture poke.

I emailed the lady that de-stressed her for an article for Fertility Authority, and ended up emailing her back & forth just regarding general shenanigans because she was awesome.  SO I went in today.  It was cray cray.

While my body can be super lazy (thank you, dead thyroid) my brain never shuts the fuck up.  It would be counter intuitive for me to believe that someone shoving a needle in my forehead would cause me to relax, but that's what happened.  I am a convert.  If you're in L.A. and looking to give it a try - girlfriend's info is in the Fertility Authority article.

I did not think I could outdo the initial discovery that needles not containing heroin could be hella relaxin' - but I did.  They had a wall of old ass photos as well as magazines, and as a result of looking at the room at just the right angle, I discovered Michael Cera is a vampire, ladies and gents.  This completely explains his skin tone and inability to complete puberty.  My acupuncturist helped me take the photo - you heard it here first.

The cray cray needles also helped me return to my usual self a little bit.

I do not do well on birth control.  All the heavy duty IVF drugs, I'm fine - give me a wee bit of Progesterone or birth control and I turn into a she-beast of the netherworld.

I have what you would call a 'quick wit'. I'm a very, very mellow person (I do not sweat the small stuff) however if you put me on something that makes me sweat the small stuff... 'Quick wit' works against me and becomes 'razor tongue'.  I'm basically a domesticated rattlesnake - it takes a lot to poke me, but when I'm poked I bite.  Hard. A couple of times this week my mouth/hands worked faster than I would have liked them to, and at least one person got bit.  I felt terrible about it afterwards, so I'm thrilled to pieces that a delightful woman armed with needles and an ability to deal with my saying "I have a needle in my fucking face! What am I doing?!" has helped.

Enough of that - on to lose some followers.

This morning, as per usual, I groggily rolled over and dicked around on my phone in bed.  Turns out that quite literally, I woke up in a better state and world in general than the one I went to sleep in.

DOMA and Prop 8 were turned over, and I am so happy that I could explode into an epic mushroom cloud of glitter and feathers and unicorn farts.

DOMA - the Defense of Marriage Act - was a federal law barring the U.S. Federal government from recognizing gay marriages legalized by states.  So yesterday, when it stood, even if you had been legally married elsewhere, you couldn't leave your spouse money or assets in your will without that spouse having to pay huge inheritance taxes. You couldn't jointly file taxes, receive social security benefits as a couple or tax breaks for workplace health coverage. If you were a legal citizen, you couldn't sponsor your spouse for a green card. (An example of that would be this heartbreaking video over here).  Today, hallelujah, you can do all these things.

Prop 8 was the horrendous bill my usually much more progressive state voted on, not allowing gay marriage. As a result of being ruled unconstitutional, California couples should be able to be married here within 25 days.

And wouldn't you know it, I woke up in a world with more equal rights and somehow - amazing! - my heterosexual marriage still seems to be intact.  Bubba didn't disappear into thin air, our marriage license wasn't made void, our house didn't burst into flames or whatever the fuck else was supposed to happen.

If any change did occur? My marriage is better this morning because it's not being soiled and shat upon by being used as a platform to discriminate against others.  It's not being used as an arguing point for pure fucking evil - it's a little bit more mine and a little less political tool.

As always, I'm genuinely disgusted by the arguments against it.  My Mom is 100,000% Mexican and my Dad was white - had they been born a smidge earlier than they were, it would've been illegal for them to marry.  And back then people were holding up Bible verses and shouting about how it was the beginning of the end, too.

If you're that worried about the sex life of two consenting adults that have nothing to do with you, I really, really don't think you're screwing correctly. Maybe instead of typing angry Facebook statuses you should be using your hands to google "what is a clitoris?"

As grossed out as I am by any of the arguments there is one that tickles me.. The bestiality argument - that's my favorite!

First of all, we should all be concerned that so many 'happily married' heteros jump so quickly to man-on-chicken sex.  It's alarming.

Second of all - I totes agree with this argument!  Everyone knows that women's suffrage led to an epidemic of hamsters voting.

Some people are claiming they are upset because since Prop 8 was overturned, obviously the state of California just doesn't care about voting anymore.

First, we should never have the right to vote on whether or not another human being should have equal rights simply because we disagree with them.  It shouldn't have been put up to a vote in the first place - as reiterated today, it's an infringement on our constitutional rights. There's nothing in our constitution that says I or anyone is a second class citizen, and other people get to vote on whether or not I have a right to be married to Bub.  If we get to vote on who gets to be married based on who's sex life grosses me out?  A lot of heteros are being voted off of sex island.

Second, if we left the matter of equal rights up to the general population, if we sat around waiting for people to come to a majority agreement on whether people not like them are in fact people at all, a big part of this country would still be using separate water fountains.  I'm sorry it's taking some people a long time to figure out that someone unlike them still gets to have the rights that they enjoy - you take all the time in the world you need to figure that out, it is your right as a citizen to be a bigot, but we're just going to go ahead and afford people rights in the meantime.

And by the way, I dislike bigots on account of their opinions - not their race, religion, sex or sexual orientation.  If we're going to dislike people, we should give them the opportunity to be an asshole, first (and asshole is an equal opportunity employer). If someone tried to strip an asshole of their basic rights?  I'd also be rioting.

Isn't the opposition usually full of people who do not want government poking their noses in everyone's business?  Just so I have the priorities straight... Soooo, government should let me die of a treatable disease because to concern themselves would be meddling, but yes, absolutely, get in my bedroom and tell me who I should be sleeping with and/or falling in love with. Totes.

On a personal note?  The main argument against gay marriage made in legal cases is that they don't procreate.

Fuck off.

Neither can I.  How long do I get to try before my marriage is considered null and void?  (And as a sidenote, I really think the 'uptick' in homosexuality is probably mother nature's way of balancing out the fact that there are morons who think that despite depleted resources they should be churning out as many babies as nature allows.).

I know I'm not religious.. but no.  Do not hold up verses as an excuse to make decisions about the personal lives of others.  If you think it's wrong - don't marry someone of the same sex.  Simple as that.  And unless you have never had a haircut, don't believe in autopsies, are free of tattoos and/or have sold your daughter for a certain number of cows (and made sure to eat all your sacrifices within 3 days), don't even bring it up.  Do not.

And how flimsy does your marriage have to be to think that it's less sacred if someone else is married too?  Spend your time worrying about your own marriage, please.

(Source).

I'm happy today.

Happy that my marriage is being used a little less to discriminate against my friends, happy that justice is slowly and surely prevailing, happy that people are closer to being treated equally because they are equal. Whether you're a delightful gay, a feather shitting unicorn, a bigot or a carnie with man hands - you should have the same basic human rights.

The people that are a little better than others?  It's not because of race, it's not because of sex, it's not because of sexual orientation - it's because of their capability to love.

Try siding with love sometime, you'll be less miserable.  Take it from a domesticated rattlesnake.