And Now More Thoughts on Baby Names

Good Friday, interwebs.

I spent the morning treadmilling at a glacial pace (kidney infection, ya'll... should've worn a shirt that said that to defend myself to the judgey) with Mr. T.  

Sidenote - I met him at his gym this morning instead of mine.  His gym is much bigger and has a ginormous ladies room.  It is a labyrinth of corridors and doors - Stork's gym tip for the day:  should you find yourself in such a locker room, don't go whipping open doors in search of a bathroom because one discovery will be more naked than the next.  Also, while I am by no means a cooties stickler, I'm nonetheless in total wonder that every otherwise well coiffed woman exiting the bathroom did not wash her hands after.  I don't understand bothering to wear a high maintenance pink gym outfit and douse yourself with cucumber perfume, and then proceed to use gym equipment with your sweaty urine hands.

But I digress.

Today's gym discussion (Mr. T on the beast of the netherworld otherwise known as an elliptical, I racing a snail on my treadmill) consisted of:

1. How scary it is that they hang television screens directly over where a person's head is on any given piece of equipment (what could go wrong, it's California!  It's not like the ground could shake!). THat led to whether or not it would be better to have the heavy old school TV's of my gym fall on your head where you would instantly die, or have a flat screen TV of his gym fall on you where it's a 'but what quality of life would she have?' issue, and
2. Horrible baby names.

In one of my recent scattered posts, I mentioned that my half sister (half as in I'm adopted and we share a birthfather, not half as in she was the victim of a falling TV) is knocked up.  I'm going to be a sort of aunt, and I do wish I could be happier about it.  Not that thrilled though, mostly worried for the kid... but that's neither here nor there.

The point is, I love her, but there's no possible way this kid is not going to be given a stripper name.  And the terrible side of me thinks that this would be a pretty ambitious career path for the child, so why not.  I'm gonna guess Peaches - boy or girl.

Some thoughts on baby names.

Source. 

Requisite Disclaimer:  Of course I don't mean you. I love that you're going to name your child Squeegy McGee.  It's breathtaking.

1.  Too Weird.

With my maiden name, I have the most boring/generic/common name on the planet.  I've gone to Doctors where I had to give my social security number to identify myself, because there were people who had both my name and birthdate.  I am in definite danger of naming my child Spandex because I want them to feel distinguished and experience the pain of not finding their name on a keychain.

I just think maybe we should think before we go over the line cray-cray with trying to find a strange name... If you're going to get crazy might as well name it the first thing you see after you give birth.  Like Morphine.  Umbilical.  Latex.  Uterine Polyp.

2. On the opposite end of the spectrum..

Speaking as someone who had a very common name up until I got married (people who attempt my married name end up barking), I must beg of you.. Choose a simple, common name because you love it, not because it's on the top 10 list of names for that year. On the upside no creepy guy from high school can find me on Fertilebook, on the downside when they call my name at Starbucks I have to fight off 50 other people trying to take my drink.

3. Please.  Just please.

 I've said it before I'll say it again.. Please don't name your child something because it spells something backwards. It'd be... certainly not cool or clever? Let's go with neato... for about 5 minutes, and then the kid would have to go the rest of their lives with the name Lufituaeb or Ssadab.

4.  Would you have been friends.

Of course you shouldn't judge someone based on their name.  Of course not.  But let's be honest - sometimes you hear a person's name and somehow you know, in the core of your being, that there's no possible way they weren't a bitch in high school.  Just ask yourself a few questions.  Like, does this name make it sound like someone you would've been friends with?  Is there any possible way that they wouldn't have a large collection of precious moment figurines and a secret alcohol problem? Are you pretty sure with a name like that that they've beaten up a kid with down syndrome in the past hour?  Is there any way that they wouldn't be into some weird dress-like-a-baby porn as an adult?  Would they spend their afternoons in high school cutting themselves slowly to your old Radiohead CDs?  Also, can you hear a drunk dayshift DJ demanding that everyone get ready for this person to enter the stage?  These are important questions.

5.  Vowels are neither your best friend or your enemy.

I'm totally for unique spellings but let's not get crazy unless it has some familial meaning to you.  I've had a few baby name conversations like this:

Them:  We're going to name it Grayson.

Me:  Oh that's cute!

Them:  Only we're going to spell it either Gryyyyycscscsynnn or Qgraaasinnn.  On that last one the Q is silent.

Me:  ::blink blink:: Oh that's... Beautiful.  That's Lufituaeb, even.  It's so pretty in fact that I don't think anyone would ever dare to even screw up their paper work.  Never ever.

Ever.

Just some thoughts.  Did I miss any?