Pages

Friday, November 2, 2012

Dispatches from Death

Blargh!

It is the weekend, so the internet is going to be a sad abandoned carnival again... but as G-d is my witness, as soon as my weird little head cold retreats (don't worry kids, not pregnant, just some sort of black plague) I'm going to catch up on all my reading.  And writing.  And arithmetic.

I anticipate being up and running, and all up in your uteruses (uteri... uterus.. uteruses) with a flashlight at some point this weekend.  Should you be minding your own business on a weekend afternoon and suddenly feel your soul overwhelmed with sarcasm, the spirit of muppets and general shenanigans, that's me.  You should be creeped out.



And now, a few letters.


Dear Neighbors
On November 1st I was very excited when I woke up and heard moaning.  As I am a twisted pervert, one of the things I miss the most about apartment-living is hearing the neighbors' arguing, making whoopie, or doing both simultaneously.  

I was terribly disappointed, however, when I discovered that the moaning was coming from my very loud zombie woman decoration which I had apparently left on for 12 hours.  In her defense she only gets to let it all out once a year - but just the same, thank you for not egging our house.

Sincerely,
Happily Eggless, For a Change.



Dear Trick-or-Treater dressed as Mitt Romney,
I'm sorry that my initial response was to be horrified, but it's Halloween.. right?  Isn't the object to scare me?
Be thankful I didn't deny you candy and then chase you down the street shouting about how asking me for treats leads to a culture of dependency. 

Sincerely,
Genuinely Frightened



Dear Girl Dressed as Dumbledora-the-Explorer,
You win Halloween.  Maybe even life.

Sincerely,
Shamefully didn't get it at first, blames headcold.


Dear Parents of Trick-or-Treaters,
A few things.  One, if you're in your 40s or above, I think it's safe to say you shouldn't be asking me to put candy into your plastic bag.

Two, though Kali is stunning and dressed in a SWAT outfit, please, Dads, do not take pictures of her.

Three, though it is Kali & I's third year of handing out candy together, we are not your friendly neighborhood lesbians.  Again, easy on the pictures.  Admittedly it's unfortunate that a hoard of you walked up as I was pretending to lick the candy and she was grabbing my boob, but it's all very innocent.

Sincerely,
My husband is not the pimp you think he is



Dear Bub's White Blood Cells,
Look, you're German.  You're supposed to have a crazed need for power and dominance.  I get it. I thoroughly appreciate that you knock out enough shit to not get him sick, but if you could also knock out those last little traces of awful so that I don't get sick, that would be great.  My white blood cells are Welsh.  They would like to be left alone to herd sheep or something, please.

Sincerely,
Needs-a-flu-shot



Dear Bub's Tonsils,
I can appreciate that you are the one thing those badass German white blood cells can't fix. You need to come out, I get it.  But it's like sleeping next to an angry bear.  An angry bear with a chain saw.  An angry bear trapped under a boulder whose only means of escape is cutting off his own leg.  If I could rip you out with my barehands without hurting Bub or having to wear him as a glove for all eternity, I would.

Sincerely,
Enough.






27 comments:

  1. Dumbledora-the-explorer? What exactly was she wearing? Loved your letters! Hoping for a speedy recovery from your head cold!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was *amazingly* impressive. She had on the dora-the-explorer neons, a dora-wig, and a long, white beard. And a wand.

      Delete
    2. I am in awe at the inventiveness.

      Delete
  2. I have missed you & hope you feel better soon! I've seen an internet picture of a Dumbledora the Explorer somewhere recently. My neighbors downstairs are constantly arguing or making whoopie. You can come press your ear up against the wall with me if you want. My favorite fight was one that ended with her screaming, "HOW WE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED IF YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY YOUR BABY MAMA?!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhh man, I do miss that. We used to have neighbors in WEHO who would basically hurl furniture at each other and THEN did it. (Not sure which incident with the furniture was louder - one for the theologians).

      Delete
  3. Awesome...Oh how I've missed you!!! I love dumbledora the explorer. I love those kinds of costumes...I'm just too lazy and uncreative to make them.

    Feel better dear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could never come up with anything like that. Was amazed.

      Delete
  4. I'm a new follower and happy to be. Dumble-Dora the explorer sounds amazing! I didn't see any creative costumes but we also didn't get very many kids at our house. Hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well howdy, new follower! Oh Man. Come to my house... more trick-or-treaters than I can handle.

      Delete
  5. I'm sorry you're feeling sick! Children have a way of passing those germs along, with all those snotty noses and lack of hand washing. So, of course, I can't say what's medically right for someone else, but I will say that getting my tonsils out at 24 was the best. decision. ever. After 24 years of chronic ear infections, strep and sinusitis, I've been amazingly healthy for the past 8 years. They were huge festering germ balls in the back of my throat and I had no idea how wonderful life could be without them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'm figuring out we should do this soon... He has to have his tonsils removed and his uvula lazered off (yikes!) we keep putting it off thinking 'we'll do it once we're pregnant'. But yeah.. I need sleep. He needs sleep.

      Delete
  6. Laughing out loud! These letters are a-fricken-mazing. I've missed you friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I you, my little egg farmer! Coo-coo-cachoo.

      Delete
  7. I have missed you and have been slightly worried. I had intended to sounds the alarms if I didn't hear from you this weekend. Sounds the alarms = email you :) Glad to hear you are feeling better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lady! Cannot believe I missed your newwwws.

      Delete
  8. Haha! Don't you love it when parents bring babies trick or treating that don't even have teeth, yet the still gather a bag of candy for "them"?? Let's not kid ourselves, we all know where that candy is going and it isn't in your baby's belly!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh man, D, this woman was easily in her 60s and with a TEEANGER. ALONE. And no mention of some sad sick child who couldn't come with them.

      Delete
  9. Boo! Feel better! Whiskey! I hear whiskey is a cure all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha - we should, one of these days, those of us who aren't pregnant agree to some kind of drunk-blogging.

      Delete
    2. I already participate... Cue music.... ALLL BY MYSELF!

      Delete
    3. I am up for that, I love me some drunk emailing, texting, etc. Blogging seems like the logical next step

      Delete
    4. Drunken vlogs? Even more fun! I have been missing me some stork this week. I hope you are feeling better my chickadee x x x

      Delete
  10. Love it. I need to do more posts with humor in them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh man you make my day, my night, my year!!!! I hope you feel better! I also think adults taking candy is a little weird... what you can't go 7-11 and buy a snickers....what?? But I wish I was there to see you lick the candy and all the boob grabbing..sounds priceless!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You always leave me in tears...laughter at its finest! :)
    Feel better soon Stork.
    Bree

    ReplyDelete
  13. I've missed you too. Glad to see you are your awesome funny self still. GREAT letters.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm jonesing for you. JONESING. Hope you're better, Lady.

    ReplyDelete